Oh my God!!!  


My reaction finding out that my uncle died earlier today from a heart attack.  This year is ending on a very bad note.  I don't know how to react, but I found the courage to call my aunt and let her know that I'm there if they need me.  This is so unbelievable.  I was told that my mom isn't as alone anymore.  Well, maybe my mom wanted more company.  Is that fair though?  


She was never a selfish person, so I'm just glad that she's no longer alone.  I always saw my uncle and her as best friends.  I felt guilty that I stole the oven roaster from him at this year's family white elephant.  But then again, it was like his last gift to me.  Am I to learn to how to make great turkey and pot roast?  It is a bit ridiculous, but I hope my family and I get through this struggle that we went through just weeks ago.  


I'll miss you.  Give my mom a hug for me.  


Now, let's get the angry side of my brain.


WHAT THE F@#$!!!!!!!!  Why is this happening to my family all at the same time.  First the cancer, now a possible heart attack.  I find out my friend has gout.  Growing up sucks balls!!!  What's the point.  I want to learn news, get sad, and let it go.  But that's not going to happen at this point in my life.  I live, learn, remember, and feel the sadness that a loved one is gone.  


Please 2012 be better.  

As Christmas Day went on, my emotional sadness started to fade with the interaction of my family.  My family is what matters.  Children do make a difference when you're feeling pretty low.  They have that ignorance, that sense of carelessness that they should feel.  There is definitely nothing wrong with knowing little.  Growing up for them is going to be tough, but let them be where they are now.  

I do teach the young-lings as much as I can.  Speech, right and wrong, grammar...those little things that will matter in their future.  I love the little ones.  I've been surrounded by kiddies for many years now.  I always get the "Oh, you're next."  I just smile and tell them not me.  I'm too much of a kid myself to have one of my own.  But, if it happens one day, of course I'll do the best I can.

Until then, I get to play video games, save money, buy presents for them, play softball, and do all the necessary stuff in life.   

Merry...Christmas?

Could I just say Christmas...I cried again last night hiding myself from the world.  As I laid in her bed, I realized that this Christmas is different.  It's a part of life that I didn't want to encounter just yet.  I know somewhere out there someone may be in the same situation as me because it doesn't feel like Christmas.

The other day I thought I felt that joyous feeling of His birth, don't get me wrong, I'm happy, I'm just sad. Sad that my mom isn't celebrating with us. Or she is as she looks down on my brothers, family, and her friends. Too bad Mom, I'm still sad that you're not here physically.

This was the constant day that I would always sleep at my mom's. Wake up to the sound of a warm heater making the chilly air turn toasty. I would wake up first but always find my mom taking my picture of us waking up. She would always just give a box of presents which I always accepted because it was from her. Writing this is just increasing my sadness, but also reminding me of the happy memories that she had when we were around.

So, I need to stop feeling sad and remember she is in a better place. Instead of suffering day after day. Maybe after all she beat cancer. It didn't take her spirit because she took it with her.

I hope everyone enjoys their Christmas while I struggle to find it.

Stronger Than You'd Think

I've helped take care of her for several weeks now and you could see the positive changes.  I can't tell if it's from us or because she's just a strong cookie.  She's definitely not ready to crumble and listens to our discussions even though she's relaxing in her chair.  Let me add, I fell asleep in her chair the other night and I was comfortable.

The doctor's appointment went as planned.  She whispered to me that we're late, even though it wasn't time yet.  Little did I know or refused to admit that being early to an appointment doesn't mean getting there on time.  The doctor didn't give us great news, but he did mention that she appears healthy.  She is still smiling, it just pains me to see her in certain situations.  Her strength and threshold toward pain amazes me.  She is a fighter.

The longer she is here, the more I believe that we could fight this.

Cancer Can't Conquer My Spirit

That's the phrase branded on my black and orange band/bracelet that I received last weekend.  I've been hesitant to distribute the bands.  I'm not sure how someone would take the unfortunate news that someone very close to me is diagnosed with cancer.  In reality, time goes on, for myself, I do go on, I do try and better my life.  But for now, it's all about her.  There isn't anything to urgent that would force me from being by her side.

I don't just cope with pain, I learn from it and hope that my words will help those who are in my position.  Don't give up, stick with them from the beginning.  Positive energy make a huge difference.  Sitting at the dining room table gives me that slight comfort and fresh memory that spending time is the best I could do.  Besides the fact that eating healthy, staying healthy, and constantly turning down her request to purchase a pack of cigarettes for her.  -sigh-

A couple of weeks ago, my uncle handed me some photos, and the one photo that stuck out was the one where she was lighting up a cigarette.  What if that was her last cigarette?  Would she still be where she is now...I doubt it.  That picture was taken in the 80's.  I'm getting sleepy here at work.  Maybe I should sleep more.

Because...

I'm not one to edit, modify, or even delete posts, but I feel it justified if I re-post with something over the existing.  I plan to go through my old posts and strikeout instead of delete.

Like a diary, I suppose you could simply tear out the page and trash the contents, never ever to see or read what was once written.  Deleting is the same way, I guess.

One year ago, I was grounded due to my mom's condition with cancer.  You should never be afraid of what is and what is to come.  We cannot control what happens, but we can control the decisions that we make.  I made the decision to be and care for my mom as much as physically possible until her room was ready in God's hotel.

We all find ourselves in a pickle when we are forced to make a decision.  In the end, we always make the right decision, depending on our priorities.  I was going to list my priorities, but if you don't it, then you don't know me at all.  Until next time, live...ok!?

Praying for mercy

Along with all that's been diagnosed, there's a lump in the upper/armpit area.  I pray to you God, give her strength to hold a little more before she enters your kingdom.

Finally home, but is it really?

Today, after four days in ICU, following eight more days in 6th floor patient rooms, we finally get to take her home, where nothing will ever be the same.  If I could count the number of times that I've held in my tears, the urge to just let it all out.  Now is not the time for that.  Today is for positive emotions and a fighting chance.

Driving home from the hospital appeared to be a step forward, but everything was awkward.  Her sitting in the passenger seat, which I really enjoyed seeing her feel the sunlight against her legs.  I told her in an excited way, "You're free!"  She smiled and just gave a sigh of relief and she breathed in that fresh air.  I took her down Geary, which turned out to be more of an obstacle, so I headed toward Fulton where we finally reached, I believe, to be her favorite place.  Her window was opened a bit more than a crack, then we turned onto Ocean Beach, her window rolled all the way down.  For that second, I knew taking the beach route would be beneficial.

Minutes later, my signal is interrupted because she wants to get her hair washed.  Weird request, but anything for her.  In her hospital gown and green sweatshirt, we head into barbershop/salon and wait 15 minutes.  This seemed like nothing after spending so much time in the hospital.  Another happy moment in the books.

Being home felt good, but I knew it wouldn't last.  With all the oxygen tanks and the auto-oxygen machine, my emotions started to go out of control.  Physically I'm there for her, but mentally, I'm a mess.  But I can't say much because she must be ten times what I'm feeling.  Later in the night, I'm worried because it is my duty as a responsible person to make sure that the medication is taken, via injection.  After several attempts to make it happen, she does the deed.  It isn't easy trying to do what I just did, but I love her and I need to put my foot down if I want to help prolong her life.

This is day one, she is in her room with her oxygen, hoping that she is using it.  I'm off to bed praying and wishing that things could just be the same.  Here's to the cure to cancer, may it be here sooner than later.

No travel...only waiting

I did get to travel last weekend and early last week.  Unfortunately, I found out some bad news about my mom's health.  I've been running into too many family issues the passed few years and realized that these issues are also my issues.  I've already run into problems with gout. 
It's a good idea that I lose the weight and stay fit.  My knees have been hurting lately.  The cause might be gout related, or from all the walking in NYC, or from all the stress these days.

I pray we hear good news today.  If you're out there, please send my mom a prayer of health and healing.

I hate gout

Being able to control the discomfort during a gout attack is satisfying. Hello, I've suffered with gout for 9 years, and I'm only 31 years old. For the first 5 years, I was unaware of this disease.

When in May 2007, my co-worker and I were heading toward the supermarket in Klawock, Alaska. I noticed him limping like how I would, so I asked him what the deal was. He explained that he had a case of gout. After this trip, or sometime after, I got gout and decided to take the pain to a doctor. I say a doctor because I was in the process of switching from Kaiser to Blue Shield. I found a suitable doctor and there I found out that my blood tests came back high in uric acid. In simple terms, high uric acid means gout.

(See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gout for more information)

I've always been a fan of red meat, and shell fish. For some odd reason, my existing gout attack was triggered by high concentrations of sodium. It is probably the fact that I've been eating bigger portions of food that contain high salt intake. A week ago, I was working out, running, and trying to stay fit. Once gout happens, all that just goes away because I can't move. Let me explain to you what I feel.

Gout...

...hinders me from walking a normal walking pace.

...irritates my emotions, making me more likely to snap.

...increases my blood pressure.

...keeps me from being the active, sport-like person that I am.

...causes me to complain a lot more than usual.

...takes control and forces me to want to cut off my foot.

...loses sleep. I will wake up early in the morning feeling the extreme pain in my toe because the pain reliever dissolved from my system.

...reminds me that I need to eat better.

...tells my body to trigger my brain to change my diet.

This is only some of things I go through when I get a gout attack. More later...maybe.