Oh my God!!!  


My reaction finding out that my uncle died earlier today from a heart attack.  This year is ending on a very bad note.  I don't know how to react, but I found the courage to call my aunt and let her know that I'm there if they need me.  This is so unbelievable.  I was told that my mom isn't as alone anymore.  Well, maybe my mom wanted more company.  Is that fair though?  


She was never a selfish person, so I'm just glad that she's no longer alone.  I always saw my uncle and her as best friends.  I felt guilty that I stole the oven roaster from him at this year's family white elephant.  But then again, it was like his last gift to me.  Am I to learn to how to make great turkey and pot roast?  It is a bit ridiculous, but I hope my family and I get through this struggle that we went through just weeks ago.  


I'll miss you.  Give my mom a hug for me.  


Now, let's get the angry side of my brain.


WHAT THE F@#$!!!!!!!!  Why is this happening to my family all at the same time.  First the cancer, now a possible heart attack.  I find out my friend has gout.  Growing up sucks balls!!!  What's the point.  I want to learn news, get sad, and let it go.  But that's not going to happen at this point in my life.  I live, learn, remember, and feel the sadness that a loved one is gone.  


Please 2012 be better.  

As Christmas Day went on, my emotional sadness started to fade with the interaction of my family.  My family is what matters.  Children do make a difference when you're feeling pretty low.  They have that ignorance, that sense of carelessness that they should feel.  There is definitely nothing wrong with knowing little.  Growing up for them is going to be tough, but let them be where they are now.  

I do teach the young-lings as much as I can.  Speech, right and wrong, grammar...those little things that will matter in their future.  I love the little ones.  I've been surrounded by kiddies for many years now.  I always get the "Oh, you're next."  I just smile and tell them not me.  I'm too much of a kid myself to have one of my own.  But, if it happens one day, of course I'll do the best I can.

Until then, I get to play video games, save money, buy presents for them, play softball, and do all the necessary stuff in life.   

Merry...Christmas?

Could I just say Christmas...I cried again last night hiding myself from the world.  As I laid in her bed, I realized that this Christmas is different.  It's a part of life that I didn't want to encounter just yet.  I know somewhere out there someone may be in the same situation as me because it doesn't feel like Christmas.

The other day I thought I felt that joyous feeling of His birth, don't get me wrong, I'm happy, I'm just sad. Sad that my mom isn't celebrating with us. Or she is as she looks down on my brothers, family, and her friends. Too bad Mom, I'm still sad that you're not here physically.

This was the constant day that I would always sleep at my mom's. Wake up to the sound of a warm heater making the chilly air turn toasty. I would wake up first but always find my mom taking my picture of us waking up. She would always just give a box of presents which I always accepted because it was from her. Writing this is just increasing my sadness, but also reminding me of the happy memories that she had when we were around.

So, I need to stop feeling sad and remember she is in a better place. Instead of suffering day after day. Maybe after all she beat cancer. It didn't take her spirit because she took it with her.

I hope everyone enjoys their Christmas while I struggle to find it.