Merry...Christmas?

Could I just say Christmas...I cried again last night hiding myself from the world.  As I laid in her bed, I realized that this Christmas is different.  It's a part of life that I didn't want to encounter just yet.  I know somewhere out there someone may be in the same situation as me because it doesn't feel like Christmas.

The other day I thought I felt that joyous feeling of His birth, don't get me wrong, I'm happy, I'm just sad. Sad that my mom isn't celebrating with us. Or she is as she looks down on my brothers, family, and her friends. Too bad Mom, I'm still sad that you're not here physically.

This was the constant day that I would always sleep at my mom's. Wake up to the sound of a warm heater making the chilly air turn toasty. I would wake up first but always find my mom taking my picture of us waking up. She would always just give a box of presents which I always accepted because it was from her. Writing this is just increasing my sadness, but also reminding me of the happy memories that she had when we were around.

So, I need to stop feeling sad and remember she is in a better place. Instead of suffering day after day. Maybe after all she beat cancer. It didn't take her spirit because she took it with her.

I hope everyone enjoys their Christmas while I struggle to find it.