The most honest conversation happened tonight. After a week of wondering, we had a heart to heart. But before I go into it, this past week has been a bunch of emotions. From sad to happy to depressed to vulnerable to jealous to content, humans must deal with so many emotions. There was a point when I thought my reaction at the formals bored the hell out of her. Seriously, I just don't know how to have fun, or at least look like I'm having fun. Chillin' is what's fun to me. There was also a point when I felt a bit jealous because I had a hunch that there was someone else that had caught her attention. And guess what? I was right. But, no worries, it wasn't like we were together, in love, or ever held hands. The only thing I can do is learn from this and wait until the same thing or something similar happens to me again. My most learned experience is that attachment is temporary, and it only hurts a little if there's no concrete feelings to base the whole depression on.
This evening, we decided to start the conversation with "you've been quiet lately." After going a couple months of endless phone calls and comfortable outings, life caught up to us, and wanting space turned into needing it. As someone who won't ask questions to hear either a good or bad answer, I left the question of "how long" has she been feeling that way toward this guy, not like she has feelings. But, I believe there will no longer be a her and me. Why? If she has the ability to hold back her feelings, then she has the ability to change them if we ever had a chance. The simple signs show us what to and not to pursue.
On the other hand...
Those small feelings are back again. When I saw her at formal, in her orange, bronze type dress, it was beautiful. So, I'm going to go straight for it. If I'm turned down, oh well, 2005 will remain the sucky year. Enter 2006.
note: So what if she has a captain, you'll find your skipper.