Sitting in silence with a faint IM ring in the back room
"Read this straight because once again I'll only say it once.
I write this blogger as a way to reflect on the many obstacles not only I face, but as my surroundings.
This may sound strange but most of my entries encourage others to write...vent...open up.
Is it that hard to open up to most people that they would rather have people read about them.
I shrug and answer my phone at this late of night by a friend who just turned nineteen.
Collecting each IM window finding out what people are doing that keep them up late.
Understanding that finals is half over and the era of late up staying is present.
For myself, this recent times just get me to think of comfortability.
As the out-standing friendships further and move inward or outward,
the craziness of minds flows like a square wheel.
My mind is blanking filling with words that won't usually make sense.
The new topic coming to mind is a new environment that once came along not too long ago.
Faces that smile and joyous occassions that could turn bad, but the tide will not turn.
The rain will surround us all with a cleansing of richness.
The soil anews the rythym that rhymes in our hearts.
This is just nonsense.
Leave this alone and let it rest for the future is nothing to look forward to.
Look in front of you and people will find the answers.
I have."
Why am I coming out from hiding once again? It has always been true that I keep a lot of my thoughts suppressed only to be released by the incorrect source. Well, I write tonight because I lay here in bed with so many thoughts that I can't talk about with just anyone. There's only a few people that I could talk to, and I feel like I'm losing that connection with these people. I hardly see them because I feel my priority in life is no longer valid. I don't know what to do. Even when I try talking about it, I get bombarded with an opposite reaction that I'd once again just keep it all inside. Am I losing my mind? Probably not, because I've dealt with this over and over in my life. Maybe, but what really is my problem? I ask for too much? I expect one thing, and when something else occurs, I'm back into my little hole. Mid-life crisis? Oh come on now, it's going to happen someday, or maybe I'm just going through it all without thought, without realizing that I'm getting older every second and I have nothing to show for it. I"m single, or I'm taken. I don't really know. Just when I believe that I'm happy, I'm sad and upset and angry and unwilling to accept the situation. But what do I do? I accept it because I have hope. But that hope is fading away. Don't get me wrong, I want to try. I want to wait. Well, why does it hurt every night waiting for something doesn't seem like it'll happen in my life time. The only reason I blog is because I'm hurt, and there's no where else to turn to. No one else to talk to because that one person you really want to talk to doesn't appear to listen anymore. Maybe it's my problem and I've stopped listening. Before I would cry about all this, but I've seized from crying because crying is something that I've done a lot. If I no longer cry, then I won't get hurt. Hide the pain. But it hurts so much. I'm thinking this thing called love doesn't exist in me because it comes and I hope it's there, but it doesn't feel like it. Maybe at first, but why doesn't it stay. What is love? I love you. I say it with so much affection but when I hear it return, my heart doesn't feel it. Love is difficult because it involves two people. Putting so much faith in person that you pray so hard that that person would love you the way you would. That they would care about the same way everytime you see each other. I don't feel that anymore. Maybe it's time to let go. Is it worth trying anymore?
12/15-16/08 12:32am