Summer Begins!

My confidence must override any barrier that stands in my way. Emotional content covers me everyday, but I must fight my way out of this netting. Self-esteem could possibly be a mental subconscious. Let's rebuild my soul and stray away from the birthday slump. The only time depression and vulnerability surrounds me is around my birthday. Why? The self-belief that aging is uncontrollable.

Speaking of aging, birthdays are coming up like technology in the Silicon Valley. It's also the first day of summer. Big woop! Usually this day is the longest day of the year. Who cares!? Work is my reality away from the real world. Remember that your job creates a world outside of reality. You are employed to act either close to how you are, act completely different from who you are, or be who you are...which probably sucks. ha! We do our jobs, projects, work...and we get paid for it. Others go out, swim, go to the beach...man I miss those days...and earn nothing but fun and relaxation. Sigh!

My dialogue (blogger is telling me this word is mis-spelled) with Alaska was interesting. Why are old friends growing up faster than me? Folks who range one to five years age difference develop the responsibility of marriage or parenthood sooner than me. Some by fault, some by choice, and then there's some who just don't know. My decision has been made, not by choice, but with respect. Time and future are and will always be there...assuming the world doesn't decay into segments of bacteria. My day to create a bond with one, or mold one into will be there...someday. No rush. My fate will lead me to either greater things or the shadow of the deepest pit. I am 27...soon to be 28. A rounded number, not as rounded sa 20 or 25, but it will be a year that something happens. I don't know...hindi ko alam.

Summer does not begin, it only starts to end.

Mind full of thoughts, stresses, and frustrations.

I am helpful, I am support. I am the reliable one, as long as you remind me. I am lost in my own reflections. My pains are lost in a sea of Daly City fog off Skyline between the Pacifica merge and John Daly Blvd. The speed soars through my veins, rushing adrenaline surging through my flowing pores. The reminder that the end is far, but starting such an obstacle seizes to begin. I leave it be. I leave it alone. My day will come when the horrors of...

Things have been weird lately.

I don't know what's wrong lately. I've been unsatisfied, emotional, and scared. I can't explain why I feel this way. I don't feel the motivational pull to link my life with work. I look forward to Friday's because I can relax my mind. I used to blame work, but that really wasn't the cause of my reducing self-esteem. My mind has lost control of everything. My mental state will not readjust and I find myself moody and snappy. What could I do? I just want to sleep and not wake up until it is all over.

Please, if you know how to handle my problem, email me.

Stagnant

I'm stuck with my feet bounded by unlocked chains. I can't move. I'm stuck. Let me reach out and see if anyone would grab my hand.

Email to someone

Encouragement could come from many places.


Thanks Mom. I need a hug right now. I've been frustrated and stressed about work because I need to improve my work behavior. This being communication, detail, and mostly being able to understand our product a lot better. Last week, I was complimented on my improvement from the previous week, but I'm still receiving useful feedback from all my coworkers. It's hard trying to do my job and suffering because my mind is just trying to get a valid license. I should be more relieved tomorrow because my ID should be coming in via Fedex. Vesper has been very cooperative with what I've needed. Thanks for the email. I had just fell asleep last night. But, I hardly remember the phone call. I owe you money.

I love you Mom.

I don't take advantage of the fact that she is and will always be in my life. Although I hardly tell her things, it still seems like she knows everything. I want to tell her. I want her to know what's up with my life. But, on the other hand, I'm holding back for the respect of another.

Tonight 216am. I broke down. An aim conversation with my best friends Reyna and Gina could really help, yet release some major frustrations in my current life. With Camillay in the Philippines, I have come to complete isolation from the one I'm used to receiving it from. Reference is the previous blog. Along with work, traveling, out of the ordinary events are tearing me apart. My strength is her. My strength is 100% attention. My friends are there for me. I'm just trying not to burden people with my problems, issues, craziness. That's why I decided to reply to my mom's email with the above. Why do I share such a personal part of my life with the whole world...because it helps me get through this tough time.

I need to study the training guidelines. Although I take pride in what I do, feedback is always welcome.

Pain & Happiness

It's been nearly 7 days since I've seen you with my own eyes. There's so much I fear when you're not around. I don't feel as complete as one should. Every thought involves something about you which makes my missing you even more hard to cope with. I look to you when I need strength, confidence, and to balance my thoughts. I'm on my trip to New Jersey and I feel alone. I know I've never missed someone so much because my heart feels like it squishes up. At this point on my trips, I'm either on the phone with her or at least chatting with her online.

I do take advantage of the time I have with her. I neglect the fact that she is there and I don't grasp the moment. Actually, when we're physically together, we act so much like two people who care for one another. Although, when we're apart, I don't appreciate the phone calls as much as I should. What do I miss? Here's a list:

- her voice (I saved her voice mails to hear her voice);
- her phone calls;
- her hugs;
- her touchy humor;
- her everything.

It does hurt. Everything I do reminds me of her. I was on my flight from Dallas to Philadelphia, and the in-flight movie was Bridge to Terabithia. It's such a sweet movie, but could take away everything that puts that smile, that reason to wake up in the morning, that feeling to keep going in your life. Also, it was her that told me that Leslie in the movie dies. But when I found out she died, my heart broke and I wanted to cry too. Whatever!? I have a heart. It wasn't the movie though, it was like she was no longer in my life. I didn't get a chance to tell her that I love her. I am seriously figuring out what love is. If this isn't, I have strong feelings that I can't part away from. I just wish she was here. I wish I could hear her voice. Anything!

After Thursday when I heard her voice last, she called Sunday for 2 minutes. I was relieved that she was ok. But, scared that she was going out to the other islands now.

This sucks. My heart is crushed.

Zzzz...Must Catch

She puts her hand across my back on to my shoulder. Signs of life raises and lowers amongst the blue blanket of warmth. My feelings of love have been reached again. Although, when time is spent, romance surrounds my life. Wonderful would describe how she entraps my huddled heart. Each day is embodied with your arms, your infatuation, and your companionship. You sleep. I enjoy watching over you, protecting you, relying in me to keep you safe. I long to perfect myself into your life. I heart you.

Is it the last chapter?

Dear Audience,

From day one of my treatment, I wasn't sure how my life would turn around. Everyone opens their eyes in the morning and looks at familiarity. Have you woken up and saw your life catching up to you? Your body could not move, you're in disarray of what's going on. Panic begins to flow through your blood and realizing that something phenomenal is happening, you begin to relax. This is the last days of my life.

My disease is something noticeable by the naked eye. I prayed and hoped that waking up without my burden would develop. Living for something is always a way to keep my mind off of it. Now, the sickness overpowers me and I must let it take me. I cannot control it any longer and the pain be cast away. I must enter a new book. I bid thee farewell. I am now...only a viewer of PCNs.

note: lol

Going Overboard

in·spi·ra·tion /ˌɪnspəˈreɪʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-spuh-rey-shuhn] Pronunciation Key - noun
1. an inspiring or animating action or influence.
2. something inspired, as an idea.
3. a result of inspired activity.
4. a thing or person that inspires.

mo·ti·va·tion /ˌmoʊtəˈveɪʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[moh-tuh-vey-shuhn] Pronunciation Key – noun
1. the act or an instance of motivating.
2. the state or condition of being motivated.
3. something that motivates; inducement; incentive.

These are two words discovered in the English language that could help us all understand what teamwork is based on. One person could demonstrate such admiration toward a goal that it pushes another to the brink of wanting, and even needing, such achievement. You just have to want it enough. In a previous entry, goals must be set. The hardest step is maintaining that interest. Some people can't help lose attention to one thing. At this point, inspiration is needed. When was the last time you inspired someone to shoot for their goal? A goal could be small, big, or even nothing to one person, but something huge to another. My motivation reaches lengths that will help someone concentrate on homework, reduce frustration, or even lend a shoulder to cry on.

Lack of motivation leads to frustration and discredit. What if someone doesn't deserve such credit? As a person of good moral, I could lend a hand, but on the contrary, laugh at the face of pure meanness. I am human still.

Why do I attempt to motivate or inspire those who don't deserve such strong words... because I was once there. Frustration could lead to meanness and meanness to failure. Everyone fights to stay away from failure. If you look at the darker picture, frustration could, with a little help, be looked at as motivation. A leader develops stress because things are not going as planned. When a goal is properly planned and organized, there is still room for frustration and stress. Stop, breathe, and tell yourself that verbal abuse is not the path. With just a few more seconds, let someone know, politely, that respect is requested. Most likely, this person(s) will understand. Blurbing out without thinking could lead to something that could've been avoided.
Don't give up! Failure is solely up to you. There's more than one way to succeed.

On a side note, I decided to compose a poem to my bear-y favorite.

Favorite Journeys - by JoshGumbi + April 10th, 2007

Every day and night starts the same
With a whisper catching a glimpse in time
Each step guiding a future learned to tame
Grasping what pure reasons to combine.

Remembering the images that drown and fade
Keeping what my heart and harmony fulfills
The fate of our hands become delayed
Finding a memory of happiness until.

(to be continued...)

After College

You ask yourself what do you left to do right before you finish what seems like a lifetime of education and schooling. The common path is to find that career or job. Would you say it easier said than done, definitely? Unless you take the proper steps to preparing for the rest of your life. Some may be so entertained during college that post-college could take them to a sudden downfall. The thought of an internship is the excuse why they hadn't secured a decent career. On the other hand, laziness surpasses all types of excuses from what I've seen. College prepares students for the preferred field they plan on embarking. Suddenly, the freshmen year is over and their high school grade point average turned into nothing. Why? Socializing, parties, skipping class.

We all, at least 95%, find ourselves in desperate situations where we discover low marks could lead to working at McDonald's for the rest of our life. Luckily for me, McD's never hired me. A lot of places rejected my applications because I was over-qualified. Unfortunately, when it came to finding a career in the field I graduated in, I was under-qualified; that's what I believed.

Employment isn't about what you know or who you know, it's about knowing you could do a job you have little or sometimes no experience in. Don't kill yourself trying to find a software programming job when you've never touched a computer. Think obvious, not oblivious. Never give up and don't let your rejections get the best of you. Employers can't take chances in what they don't know. You put yourself on the market (sending out your resume), you sell your knowledge (interview process), and you make sure you could back up everything you tell them. With enough rejections, you'll discover more knowledge with what other employers are looking for. And when you know this, you grab hold of that and make it your own.

Don't stop learning. Take advantage of life experiences because they will always benefit what is out there. Network your skills to different locations.

Ok, you found yourself with a high paying career that you've finally got settled into. But...you find yourself pressured and uncomfortable with the work environment. Don't put up with it, but also don't let out your aggressions. Take action with your life and fight for your happiness.

Quick brief: Joey graduates May 2003. By August 2003, he moves back to San Francisco and finds a 30k JOB with benefits with Safeway.com. Job involves delivering groceries to customers to the North-Eastern residents of San Francisco. Hard job, but first job out of college. By October 2004, Joey gets terminated for failing to abide by employment policies (I accepted tips that totaled up to $7,000). By late-November 2005, Joey is desperately hired at Office Depot, fulltime furniture representative (Never sold a piece of furniture in my life). Within a month, Joey is qualified for management position but declines. Reason for decline stands at career availability. I didn't want to get involved too much in something I knew I wouldn't stay at. By January 2006 (14 months later), Joey moves back to San Jose as the full-time Tech Lead at the new Office Depot. After a couple months, Joey is once again offered with management position...declines. I'm not going to settle for a retail job. In mid-July 2006, Joey applies for PickPoint Corporation as a field technician and qa/qc tester. Joey's first day at PickPoint begins his life as a career-made Engineer.

Don't let anyone tell you to settle for something. Make yourself available. Sell and make sure you're bought. You're not a hooker, but you could think like one.

Inspiration, motivation, and determination.

Weekends

This past weekend was filled with a joy, laughter, fun, child-like, and understanding. What I could say is that life is a great feeling and cherish what you have of it. My God-sister presented us with the gift of life this past weekend. I'm unsure how to spell the name, but it is Skyler. Ten years before that, my younger brother, James, was born. Who would of thunk it.

We celebrated my brother's birthday at Circuits of Alameda where kids and probably teenagers can go to workout while doing what we do best nowadays, play video games. At first, my brothers and I were a little hesitant to play the games, but after eating cake, we were ready to jump into it. San Jose should have one of these. We shall see.

No dance practice this past Sunday. This is how it'll be after pcn '07 is over. It's a relaxing feeling. Please say this is your last one. No more teaching. No more. I can't do it. *faint

The look on your face when...

So, the other day I was browsing the Internet and was directed to a link that I thought I'd never go to. On the down side, there's a lot of websites you won't find me at. I can't bare to find myself on an online store that didn't involve technology, computers and so forth.

This day, I came into the dreaded online jewelry site for a certain person that I will remain nameless. Although this store is in downtown San Francisco, I decided to think not once, twice, or a couple few times, a date was coming up that really doesn't make a difference, but I wanted to make it special. I got a gift that I thought you'd enjoy. It's not much, it costs little less than a couple dollars, but the meaning behind is that it's from me.

So, come 27th, we shall meet each other at the crossroads and define the rest of ours as individuals. Kthxbye. ^_^

Scared & Waiting

From the moment my four wheeled machinery left, the rain had started to get teary-eyed. My emotions started to tighten. My body was uncertain with doubt and scared wonder. I wanted to believe everything would be normal. But, time kept ticking and little by little, the freeway was under me passing one accident after another. Looking ahead I saw one flare turn to almost thirty. My breathing got deeper, my eyes itchy, and the interval between calls reduced. I was scared. I don't usually jump into my car and go off looking for someone or something. As lazy as I am, I care. Do I care too much? I hope I do because that's how I am. Sigh.

I was most relieved when I got a call.

Lenten season

As much as I am non-practicing Catholic, I do obey the 'laws' of the Lord. Not necessarily laws, but obligations to better yourself as a person under God's kingdom. Is there such thing as religion that it scatters out to different beliefs now? There's more religions than people now, so to speak. Anyway, I've decided to take on the faith of believing that we're to sacrifice what we see as beneficial to expand our further extents. So, my list goes:

-acting gay.
-making fun of Alexis.
-cook more.
-eat out only once or less a week.
-jog/walk every other day and on weekends. (so, Sun/Tues/Thurs/Sat)
-clean room and keep clean.

I shall try and I shall succeed. No meats Friday. Chicken isn't meat! If it is warm-blooded, it is meat. Leaving me with cold-blooded food.

Rondalla practice

Imagine being in the first row of a concert and experiencing every aspect of being in that section. This is what it's like to be playing with an organized, stringed rondalla. Last Friday evening was the experience I had waited for almost a decade. With my pick in one hand and bandurria in the other, it was another stepping stone into learning and educating myself with one of Filipinos greatest identities, musicianship. Although I made no big difference that evening, my goal had jumped into my lap ready to be built. I listened, watched, and endured the sounds of the Likha rondalla. With enough practice, my hands will be able to play like that. My learning curve is linear, but will soon enough be exponential. It is worth going to these practices because practicing alone is a big bore. Hearing all the parts is what helps you get better. No baby steps here. Just play and I'll catch on.

Thank you for 'holding my hand' this one time.

Drama...already?

Teaching and learning, learning and teaching. The worst part is when someone teaches something they were taught by someone else and completely destroys it. Most of the time, it's the basic move that is taught throughout generations. If someone enjoys teaching, they'll always remember grace, posture, flow, and character. For any dance, culture, and/or style, it's the presentation that matters most. For example, we have a couple doing a ballroom dance, say...tango. They're doing steps, which is the easy part, but what about how they're portraying such a dance to an audience. Everyone knows that learning a dance means performing it somewhere. Crowds seem to become bored with routine or, as I would call it, blahism.

My point is directed to teachers, choreographers, artists who want their particular story to be told. Like plagiarism, movements are recycled everyday by enthusiastic eyes. One grasps a movement, uses it, tweaks it as their own. Is this appropriate? Would one dance instructor call it stealing? Maybe. But I see it as, use what I've taught/performed, just don't disgrace the move(s).

I've taught, been taught, and mostly like will be teaching in my later years. I enjoy the Pilipino artistic dance genre. All I ask is to learn it to the extent of what's taught, then if finding your own style of teaching is your cup of tea, then do so. Just don't screw it up.

Why is it hard to teach college students? Lol.

Appreciation

Latest Updates from teddylicious

Shout out my homie JHips aka *******'s Savior aka King of ******* aka P4lxewo aka Josh Gumbi aka Soooooooper Joey aka Green Towel aka Orange Kart at **** driver. He's permanent at P***P**** as of today. Congratulations Big Homey. Posted 2/9/2007 at 1:24 PM - add eprops - add comments


Sorry for all the *'s. This is Web2.0. Privacy must be met.

V-Week Starts

V-2007: Flowers, chocolate, and a commercialized Hallmark card...for now. Or maybe it is something completely different. Ok, we all know what to get the females for Valentine's Day, but what are guys default gift? Oh wait, guys aren't supposed to get anything. Isn't that sexist. Why celebrate February 14th then? Because it gives couples a chance to rekindle, start, finish any type of relationship that exists.

Everyday, I extend my arms to hug the way I would hug on V-Day. I treat dinner the way I would. Phone calls continue to be answered. Massages feel the same way. Nothing barely changes. The only thing that changes is...wait there is nothing. The question pops up time and time again, "Why are you so nice to me?" Because I enjoy "smothering" you with as many joys I can offer, plus...you accept the attention.

Sometimes people fit like bread and butter, but most of the time, chemical reactions formulate either erupting or fizz away to continue on to live another day. I hope to be the butter on your bread. lol.

note: my tummy hurts.

Topics topics topics

Safe driving: Now that I've become more aware of my car's capacities, I've learned to maximize the use of the hybrid technology. When driving to work, I find my average speed at 65 to 70mph. I've never noticed how many cars pass me up. Oh well, let them use up their gas. Fortunately, on my way home on Friday, the trip was 33 miles (according to the speedometer), but only used 17 miles from the tank. Yay! That is all.

But not yet.

Driving slow helps me determine the types of dangers drivers put on other drivers. As a hopeful promise, I want other driver's to know I'll stay between the 65 to 75mph mark. Many aggressive driver's care nothing but for themselves. Remember, when you decide to cut someone off, look back into your life and see who is involved. Brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, friends, loved ones. If you hurt one, you hurt many. Sometimes, there's whole families in those cars, there are groups of friends in those cars, there's life. So, before you decide to get behind the wheel, realize your entering into a battle.

Does this entry make sense?

note: Be careful out there.

Love

Is it love when the person you're in love with, or the person you love; either way you see it, could change your personal lifestyle? When you care not for what you did before or how you lived, but in order to share what they long for is what you want for yourself. On the other hand, could love be so simple as to fall foolishly into it. Love could be random, and it could lead to greater or less love. Ask yourself, is it love that drives us to do what we must. Is love the source of our inspiration. I love the things that I do(ie. ice hockey). I also love the people in my life. I imagine myself in a life that will somewhat sacrifice the well-doings of my natural existence, but on the same path that I will benefit a much needed sacrifice to gain precedence on my own life. Everything is on an equilibrium. People, life, work, relationship, and friendship all go by the same guidelines. If we do not follow this, balance doesn't exist, leaving disarray and uncertainty. Thank you for reading. Listen and find your next level.