Today, after four days in ICU, following eight more days in 6th floor patient rooms, we finally get to take her home, where nothing will ever be the same. If I could count the number of times that I've held in my tears, the urge to just let it all out. Now is not the time for that. Today is for positive emotions and a fighting chance.
Driving home from the hospital appeared to be a step forward, but everything was awkward. Her sitting in the passenger seat, which I really enjoyed seeing her feel the sunlight against her legs. I told her in an excited way, "You're free!" She smiled and just gave a sigh of relief and she breathed in that fresh air. I took her down Geary, which turned out to be more of an obstacle, so I headed toward Fulton where we finally reached, I believe, to be her favorite place. Her window was opened a bit more than a crack, then we turned onto Ocean Beach, her window rolled all the way down. For that second, I knew taking the beach route would be beneficial.
Minutes later, my signal is interrupted because she wants to get her hair washed. Weird request, but anything for her. In her hospital gown and green sweatshirt, we head into barbershop/salon and wait 15 minutes. This seemed like nothing after spending so much time in the hospital. Another happy moment in the books.
Being home felt good, but I knew it wouldn't last. With all the oxygen tanks and the auto-oxygen machine, my emotions started to go out of control. Physically I'm there for her, but mentally, I'm a mess. But I can't say much because she must be ten times what I'm feeling. Later in the night, I'm worried because it is my duty as a responsible person to make sure that the medication is taken, via injection. After several attempts to make it happen, she does the deed. It isn't easy trying to do what I just did, but I love her and I need to put my foot down if I want to help prolong her life.
This is day one, she is in her room with her oxygen, hoping that she is using it. I'm off to bed praying and wishing that things could just be the same. Here's to the cure to cancer, may it be here sooner than later.