Listening to --- Extreme - More Than Words

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The second version of akbayan's pcn script is on its way. The best feeling about this script is that its...
Like I'm going to tell you people. Don't worry, it's decent. If you could find meaning in my piece below, then you know the script...good luck.

"The lives tend to move forward step by step, obstacle by obstacle. In cases that may follow such a path takes pride, dignity, and wisdom. What pushes to go further is the strength of loss. The greatest part of family is the ability to be close no matter how far or how near. The worst part of family is the love for the mistakes that members of all may take. The line ahead will go straight as long as your mind doesn't rest for curvatures."

How bout that? Can you make a story off of that? I have.
Aivy Roma --- Its late and you should be getting home from anaheim within the next few hours. I know you're going to read this immediately, so...I'm sleeping, fell asleep at probably 6am. I don't have a car because my brother took it to work. Whenever possible, come here. I miss you.

Listening to --- MJ - Remember The Time
Wondering why sleeping late just happens.

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"Seasons come and go, but luckily they come right back a year later. Sitting in the midnight spiritual building listening and contemplating why happiness is dedicated to this day of blessing for the birth of the Son of Him. Through my wondering mind gives a particular thought that demands what it may take to give such a day to be among the other days such as this one. The giving of presents and the smiles of laughter spread throughout a majority of this world. And now we come to find out the cynical expressions and deliberate accusations across catholic citizens. Strange to find out such stories that can destroy such a great and fulfilling tradition." (12/25)



"Looking straight feeling comfort when isolated from anyone 'round the perimeter or the area. Clicking a button and finding transportation that seems most helpful for pounds of heavy objects. Until the time my findings are entering another's area. Eyes straight and up looking at blinking lights, red digital numbers, listening with ears to beeps and clings, smelling the sniffs of my nose as the person next is minding one's own business. Sometimes wondering why people mind their own business. Going into someone's possession to walk in is awkward for some when lonliness is among them. Single instead of dual, or double is how this rumor can be outside and newly made. When suddenly a certain coincidence happens to such a group that they find each other as a team wondering such an event could ever happen to them." (12/26)



My Quote of the Day: "Blow out candles again flowing into the sky like melting smoke and tainted wax."

Listening to --- DNH - Sexy Underwear
Isolated from the chilly weather that pierces my skin like a spoon left in a freezer for a day

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"My ligaments move from side to side contemplating to the deliberate sounds that thud across the air."
---hehehe sorry. i got really lazy. that's it. oh and yay! all my blog entries are back!!!

My Quote of the Day: "Beating blood flows becoming a graceful conscious sparkle."

Sitting in utter and faintless breezes of the winter winds press against my window

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"Happiness endures as numbers and letters configure the revelances on how progress precedes.
Long nights and wasteful days shift to days on end making no such profits in my days.
Days forth will become unheard devouring such flowing piles of nothings that wished to succeed.
Making no sense once again you can't expect every line to be so simple to fade.
This word to word, bouncing poetic tendencies find ways to make your ears become so attentive.
Clicking these keys that make my words give meaning to the times forever at piece.
The correct words do conjure to the ways found so do not feel that grammar isn't so selective.
Forth and mostly the loins and lines form this shapely form to not become unleashed."


My Quote of the Day: "Intelligence is speaking, smart is knowing, abstract is unlimited."

Sitting in silence with a faint IM ring in the back room

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"Read this straight because once again I'll only say it once.
I write this blogger as a way to reflect on the many obstacles not only I face, but as my surroundings.
This may sound strange but most of my entries encourage others to write...vent...open up.
Is it that hard to open up to most people that they would rather have people read about them.
I shrug and answer my phone at this late of night by a friend who just turned nineteen.
Collecting each IM window finding out what people are doing that keep them up late.
Understanding that finals is half over and the era of late up staying is present.
For myself, this recent times just get me to think of comfortability.
As the out-standing friendships further and move inward or outward,
the craziness of minds flows like a square wheel.
My mind is blanking filling with words that won't usually make sense.
The new topic coming to mind is a new environment that once came along not too long ago.
Faces that smile and joyous occassions that could turn bad, but the tide will not turn.
The rain will surround us all with a cleansing of richness.
The soil anews the rythym that rhymes in our hearts.
This is just nonsense.
Leave this alone and let it rest for the future is nothing to look forward to.
Look in front of you and people will find the answers.
I have."

Why am I coming out from hiding once again? It has always been true that I keep a lot of my thoughts suppressed only to be released by the incorrect source. Well, I write tonight because I lay here in bed with so many thoughts that I can't talk about with just anyone. There's only a few people that I could talk to, and I feel like I'm losing that connection with these people. I hardly see them because I feel my priority in life is no longer valid. I don't know what to do. Even when I try talking about it, I get bombarded with an opposite reaction that I'd once again just keep it all inside. Am I losing my mind? Probably not, because I've dealt with this over and over in my life. Maybe, but what really is my problem? I ask for too much? I expect one thing, and when something else occurs, I'm back into my little hole. Mid-life crisis? Oh come on now, it's going to happen someday, or maybe I'm just going through it all without thought, without realizing that I'm getting older every second and I have nothing to show for it. I"m single, or I'm taken. I don't really know. Just when I believe that I'm happy, I'm sad and upset and angry and unwilling to accept the situation. But what do I do? I accept it because I have hope. But that hope is fading away. Don't get me wrong, I want to try. I want to wait. Well, why does it hurt every night waiting for something doesn't seem like it'll happen in my life time. The only reason I blog is because I'm hurt, and there's no where else to turn to. No one else to talk to because that one person you really want to talk to doesn't appear to listen anymore. Maybe it's my problem and I've stopped listening. Before I would cry about all this, but I've seized from crying because crying is something that I've done a lot. If I no longer cry, then I won't get hurt. Hide the pain. But it hurts so much. I'm thinking this thing called love doesn't exist in me because it comes and I hope it's there, but it doesn't feel like it. Maybe at first, but why doesn't it stay. What is love? I love you. I say it with so much affection but when I hear it return, my heart doesn't feel it. Love is difficult because it involves two people. Putting so much faith in person that you pray so hard that that person would love you the way you would. That they would care about the same way everytime you see each other. I don't feel that anymore. Maybe it's time to let go. Is it worth trying anymore?
12/15-16/08 12:32am

Stop swearing AND STOP smoking!

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(HOPEyouCANreadTHIS...theSPACEBARisn'tWORKING)

"thespacearoundmefeelstobecompletelyopenfornewopportunities...
thepeoplearoundmeseemtobefallingbehindormovingupbeforeme...
thetendencytokeepmymindoccupiedwithdataisfluctuatingaway...
theurgetomoveforwardisslowlydeterioratingintoanemptymist...
theclickofaclickworksnotgivingmysenseofabnoraltypingstyle...
theconfusionofthiswilllongforeverraidthemindwithbaffle...
themindbehindthemindwillsooncomeoutandjoingreatstuff...
theheartmustbranchouttodifferentareasofregionofchoice...
thereadingofwordsisstillandmostcompellingthoughtaway...
thegreatestpartaboutsuccessistakingonnewchallenges...
theworstpartaboutsuccessisanticipatinguncertainty...
thelifestyleofmanistoachievesomethingbetterthan...
WHO?
peoplecan'tpossiblyknowtheanswersthatkeephappinessalive...
peopleshouldn'tthinkdifferentlyfromtheirownthoughts...
peopletakeontheirowngoalstheirowndreams...
peoplecontinuetostriveforthosedreamsaspirationsgoals...
peoplesurviveforthemselvesandsometimesforspecialone's...
peoplelikemethinkdifferentlyfromeveryoneelse...
peoplelikeeveryoneelsethinkdifferentlyfromeveryoneelse...
peopletrytobrandideasofone'sopinionintosomeothers...
peopledon'tletpeoplebepeopleindividualbeindividual...
peoplekeepthefeelingthatwemust...
WHAT?
understandthebasicnecessitiesoflife...
understandthatwecangoonwithoutanother...
understandthepersonbesideyoucangoonwithoutyou...
understandlettinggobringsouttodifferentaspectsanew...
understandkeepingaclosenessispassion...
understandthefeelingofsighsissogreat...
understandpossessionsdon'tmakeyou...
understandyoumakepossessionspartofyou...
understandwecapturethesweetaroma...
WHY?
to live this crazy life of the norm. to write the way one is taught. to make correct grammar issues. to be what we are sometimes told. i am one of these. i wish to be free. i wish to take on challenges. i wish for a passion. i wish for path to live by."

D'oh! I just typed up a blog and it didn't publish. what a bunch of bologne. grrr.

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This is my brief version "Explosions, fireworks, passion, excitement, blah blah blah"

6th Day - Your Call; Eraserheads - Toyang

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i can't believe school and lectures are soon to be over. well, for once, i'm kind of depressed that the knowledge i've been comprehending with this summer, exclude dr. garcia's class, has really paid off. i feel that the academics of this semester will be forth into good use. well, except my programming class since computers and businesses hardly use assembly language. anyway, i'm ashamed that i accepted my first D of the semester on monday. i was being evaluated for a certain class, and then i guess its my fault because i didn't put THAT much effort into the project. well, i was getting an A in the class before that. so i'm probably at a B+/B now.
finally i realized that xmas is coming up and i have no money to buy people stuff. anyway, about that D evaluation, it seems as if a lot of the people in my major found out about my misfortune. after i received my 68%, i just told people what was asked for the evaluation. that's it. and then the next day, many more people know of my failure. its ok. i'm doing good in the class still. so HA!

112 - Crazy For You; 6th Day - Your Call; N'Sync - Something Like You

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That's the end of that thanksgiving break. 4th Annual E-dub Thanksgiving Potluck. Thanksgiving with the fams. 3rd Annual Post-Thanksgiving Snowboarding Trip to North Tahoe. Busted my right knee take my ONE and ONLY fall going down one of the hills. Woke up in a luxurious condo at Squaw Valley resorts. Attempting to take the 5 home from Tahoe. IT WORKS!!! Finished up my LabVIEW project Saturday night. Sharks Lost. 49ers Won. Finished my 162 lab. Accomplished my 198XC assignment. Re-worked my previous 198 assignment with Aivy. Walked Aivy out and put my arms around her because she was cold. Now...I await for her to return to her venue.
Overall: Life Has Lead Me To Unexpecting Paths - My Mind Just Says Walk Forward With A Smile.

Tavares - Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel

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I hate it when my archives don't show. It all just sucks. I went snowboarding at boreal. ouch is the single word that explains the trip.
Since it IS the first of the month of december, and 25 days from now is the Day of Giving, here's what You can get ME...
1) 5 A's for my Fall 2k2 Semester
2) San Jose Sharks Home(white) Jersey
3) Prohibit smoking
4) Upper Deck 2k2-2k3 NHL box
5) $$$
6) A Framed Picture of the Triforce @ F'Games 2k2
7) ...more later

Boyz II Men - I'll Make Love To You

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Turkey :: Gobble Gobble :: Turkey :: Wings Breasts :: Turkey :: White Meat Dark Meat :: Turkey

YUM!

Boyz II Men - I Do

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The past few days have been so hectic. And this week being only three days, I've suddenly felt that this break may or may not break my concentration. although, there is only one more week of school left after this weekend. so, this weekend i need to complete three 10-page papers. And I'm going snowboarding. I can do it.
"Directing my soul in ways that separate among flowing delta-like ruins. My lids heavy the weight sensing blackness, closure, conclusion, for such a thing we call. Waves crush down upon my artistic strands of half tunnel-like roads that remembered so well before now and eternity to the next life. Aches, pains, failures, head down. Not the head up attitude looking forth, but set your unknown direction. Point at what's right, what's want, what's really there can you see the lines of lyrics telling a truthful direction that causes endless smiles of tearful dishonesty. Come to me when your weak. Come to me when tears shatter the ground from your cold cheeks that coanda effecting along your flush face into your glossy eyes. Come to me as you contemplate on things that you know you COULD overcome, you COULD find your strength, you could LIVE without a constant reminder. Strength comes from within discovering that its not others that release such power, but from within this over-bearing shadow of shielding through your layers of man-made material, deep through the flesh, profounding through the center point of a body that grants what the mind wishes. Barriers covering such pain that could be irritated with now vanishes. What's left is...tell me. I'm listening."

Babyface feat. Jon B. - Someone To Love

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Topic I (short) - kareoke videos are the weirdest videos of ALL time. the song could be like the most depressing, and you see a female in a two-piece smiling and jumping around. better yet, its a really happy and joyous song, and in the background its raining and people breaking up...tell me? why is it like this? maybe that's why they're put into the kareoke videos. they suck so bad that the only way to make money off of them is to put them in kareoke cd's. low budget videos for singalong music. people sing the words on the screen while neglecting the background story. ahhh! smart. the actors must be low budget too. that's their stardom. oh well. that's it. think about it.
Topic II (long) - be back tonight i just finished watching Nightmare on Elm Street (only the most terrifying movie when i was 5yrs. old) well, i'm sorry to say but i forgot what i was going to say for topic II. eh!? i take that back. there's this feeling i've been having because of people's sudden burst of assumption. its a common characteristic, i have it. but its a trait that i'm not familiar with when its about me and with a particular person. i'm kind of annoyed with it mainly because i don't know how to deal with it. at least i can define true friends because there are a certain few gentlemen and ladies that have seen such passive animosity.(contractive phrase, but so what) they haven't instigated such abuse i've taken. thanks you guys. i'm pretty sure you know who you are. and this whole big deal about a winter formal. i've been to five and i've had 4 different dates, in order to have one thing, fun. no pressure additives. just because of this, i don't even want to go. i have no other plans. i would have played along when i was like 20, but i'm 23. i'm going to grow up. my grades have improved because i've taken it serious. my intimate lifestyle should also be serious, not any of this silly bibble babble. i'm not putting no one down. ya'll can act your age. i know i'm still young, but i want to move forward in my life. i always hear, "damn, didn't you graduate yet?" out there. i guess i can finally answer this popular question.

Queen - We Are The Champions

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"a brisk step of walking footsteps lead me into a endless road that tends to bring me to more forks yet leaves me with a knife deep into the soul of gorgeous tune harmony as it may seem to keep my smirk of simple happiness and ending no such hunger that i see forth when mouths are open stuffed with materials that consume to strengthen not what we think is good for the soul but wellness can be greater than longevity of survival which must succeed achieve obstacles that are hard to come by...


"...looking toward a sense that sounds so bright smells so delicious feels oh so fragile hears so harmony tastes like the concluding path that was not taken by a road that goes down toward the deepened profound sauces of efficient friendships although leaving day over night with a nightless sigh unknowing that people assume what they do not know and look at things the way they must see them but my attitude leaves such presence because i am more than what they all seem i am patient...


...reading you seem lost in the words that i say for there is just one long strand of sentence that may seem to go on toward the moonlit sky with streams of glitter across the heavens from high up above my hands flow down to my soul to feel your preciousness your shine your magnificent pleasure of hope toward a the morning sunrise toward the clear transparent rays my eyes do not deceive my radiance as gracefullness will never leave me i am not but one but share the liking of all."

Sitting in my living room in the dark

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usually, throughout my day i find myself thinking about things that i'd like to put into my blogger journal. although, by the time i wish to enter an entry, i forget my train of thought at the time, i'm way too lazy to write about it anymore, and i end up typing up some rambling, senseless blah that i call written poetry of life. so, what do i think about? well, a couple of us, jerry, adan, irene and myself, visited Lutong Pinoy, my colleagues restaurant next Goldland off of Jacklin. it's a filipino restaurant with kareoke. yum the food was yum. (side comment: i decided to search around on Aivy & Marie's pages to learn how to strike text, but guess what, none of their recent work had none...BLAH!) so we finished our food at about 9pm, so we were able to go visit paulo because he was right around the corner. *well, actually like 3 or 4 exits down I680, that's besides the point* little did i know was that cathleen, my friend whose family owns the restaurant, wanted me to sing, along with my guests, before we left. so time went by and goodness, i couldn't find a single song. ok, maybe i brushed through 5 to10 songs i could possibly do, but maybe i was just trying to kill time. another surprise was that she sang. grrr. well, in politeness, i knew i HAD to sing now. not for her, but for the respect that you give a family when you're at their house...errr, restaurant. so i found two songs, You Are My Song & How Deep Is Your Love. oh well, i can't sing when i'm on the spot. but so what. i don't care. i had fun and we walked out of that place at 1030pm. yes...an hour and a half to find a song. or should i say, grow some balls. i figured out my major gpa, and its still not above a 3.0. damn i suck. i'm going to retake some classes, just so i can get rid of those C's. Out of 8 classes, i have 5 B's and 3 C's. i'm pathetic. well, after this semester, i'm hoping to receive 7 B's, 3 C's and an A. possible. hell yes. may 6B's, 3C's and 2 A's. i need 3.0 n up to gain an intern dammit. well enough of this babble bibble.

my friend, gina-bina, we've been friends for so long, she's like the girl i could possibly call ... anything. yet, she's far. almost 4 years now, and we've NEVER met. goes to show you how desperate i was to find friends 4 years ago. well, i find it normal. people find friends through many different ways. and four years ago, i used aol4.0/japan/pinoypinay21nup chatroom to find the most outrageous yet interesting friends. so gina!? i know you're reading this. you know my life and i know yours, you may think our friendship comes and goes, fades and appears, well, take it from the source, you're my special best pen-pal. *hugs* although we've never met, i'll always be there even when you're taking a detour going back home to oxnard from your frickin' man's house. i'm bitter because you go home so late. girlie, just stay over til morning. or like 6am-7am. that's what some people do at my house.

can u just tell that i don't want to sleep. oh well. happiness and confusion has withered into my life. may it stand strong to lead into hardships and awful other stuff.

Boyz II Men - Doin' Just Fine - or Am I? I just clicked on the akbayan website and clicked on games...played Simon and reached 18 points. hehe.

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"my eyes lids drop slowly typing out words that will soon be turned into meaningless thoughts of imperfection. my arms reach to click and clock in each character that you see forth. i need not know what it all means because the definition of this souls life is far-fetched. sometimes i look around and realize after so many years that i am being watched. my self taught belief that people don't really care what happens to you unless it makes a slight bit of attitude and mood change in the presence. my ligaments of under feel free leaving such swift air a tingle of irritation. my careless back aches continuously day by day leaving agony that i must bear with such a pain that attacks my self wit and keeps a squirm. i close my eyes and listen to words that seem more meaningful when lyrics flow into my ear saying such words that seem meaninful to everyone. my mind is falling into that wastefulness. the one we demand to see is but fictious in my mind. over and over i see such a dream and feel the belief in it all. i am not crazy, i am not hallucinating. i'm just tired."

Familiar beats and lyrics from DJ Nice & DJ Smooth - Sometimes I Rhyme Slow

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So my JVC camera is finally fixed. damn you TDK and Sony tapes. messin' up my camera. That's my personal shpiel for the time being. Think about this...
"life jumps around like a jack rabbit attempting to cross a two lane highway. a friend tells me that school and days upon school move as fast as a pucking heading straight into the back of the net. the numbers of birth rise like those toy rockets that we once urged to get and watch it get lost in the myst of sky. the speed of a certain 741 operational amplifier that encountering is non-inverting, yet finding my way in life is so shadowed. continuing an aimless walk down a fun path, down a curvature, down the ups and downs. finishing up with the problems and issues that trouble my identity. my thoughts jump like that previous rabbit. my life is furry, yet caged like an animal. let me out. life!? let me go. why must it go down this road? regrets don't come often in my life. the last regret was...can't remember. i don't have any. let life live the way you want it, i tell myself. though many entrances of ships may take a big step into a passion that is so heart warming."

for once i'm going to tell you what this means. well, as you all may know, i'm graduating soon. and with my last two midterms being passed with flying colors, that means that i know i will have a better chance of REALLY graduating May 2003. as if i'm distancing myself from a family that i once, and forever will be calling an Embracing in Friendship. This entry goes to EVERYONE i've met through Akbayan Fall 1997 to present. i tell myself too that i won't try to make friends with so many of you wonderful people so i can pull myself away from that intimate feeling of friendship. i guess you can say i never felt family friendship til i came here. it did take a while. i remember the Xmas break of December 2000-January 2001. i broke down because i was SO alone. i sat at home in sf wondering where my lonely life was going. from then on, i remember that was the day i decided to do what i do now, hang out.

Contemplating with the background song All The Things I Should Have Done by K-Ci & Jojo - all this studying pays off...i hope

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Woooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooo No more tech162 midterms. Hopefully I received a decent B on that midterm today.
Oh? You wish to know why I've lagged on my blogger. Well, it's a long story. It starts on a calm night, not so long ago...
PG&E fixed the terminal wire that went from outside to my house. Long story eh?
I need to rest...

Attitude: finally done with this STUPID paper. Thanks for the help #5

"Listen to my words because you'll only hear them once. Understand and contemplate on my writings because they mean but thousands of meanings upon senseless ways that we all see what each other would want to see, but only think of things and ways and meanings that only mean but the opposite. The caress of touch over brisk under breaths of bumps that look further than just plain gooses. wrapped up in a blanket of warmth, my body lies by a meaningful object. the full of stars in the endless night, the moon captivating yet another memoir, another chance to make events truthful, honest, and...romantic. sentences of history, paragraphs of rambling on about almost nothing, just the sound of giggle, the cries of not tears, but of stories that make the fogged up ways of vision a clear path to happiness. the green dome of life vanishes away from sight and appears again as an eating frenzy of food. the attraction of rules whispers away as a transparent dream. the images that seam through runs straight into a horse. the pain, the feeling of agony of defeat, yet not defeated, but moved on to another era. joy. another feeling of what has been sent to me by an unknown force. can i be so lucky? can i be as unlucky? can it be fate? can destiny find a way to make my living days worth living. am i not ready to go? accepting the great couragous ailments of hunger given by noise of signs. be gone such an event to open towards anew."

"Motivate me..." - A. R. T. C. - What I hear when I hear this?
::"The greatest belief strongly never felt is present,
The greatest anticipation strongly never felt is present,
The greatest rush of air strongly never felt is present,
The greatest mind to mind strongly never felt is present."
::"My words will explore the mind, flow through your passion streams,
unleash a gush of revealing sighs over sighs over sighs."

Listening to Beach Boys Help Me Rhonda on my Winamp3.0

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I'm actually happy right now. Although I have a Midterm Friday, next Tuesday, next Thursday, and a frickin' papers due up the crack hole for Tech 198. People!? Don't EVER take Tech198 with Backer or Bates. Anal with every single word on a paper. Well, I was thinking of a topic earlier today in class, but dammit, I can't remember. Ok!? The San Jose Shark's won another game. *sigh* They're coming up. without Thornton and Stuart. Off topic because none of ya'll know what the frick i'm talkin' about. I have nothing to say. Good night!

History of Akbayan Winter Formals:
1997 - Sang Boyz II Men On Bended Knee & PRIME Medley. - NO DATE
1998 - Went with Elaine Z. from U! C! UCI! Sang an original song with Leighton, Roger, and Marlon & Boyz II Men Silent Night
1999 - Went with Renee L. with the tails. Woohoo. Fun night of Drum/Bass and Trance...The WHOLE night. sheesh!
2000 - Went with Jen R. FUN TIMES.
2001 - Went with Amanda S. gosh! she didn't even stay the whole night. hmmM? at least i got buzzed.

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2002 - Oh wait? That's this year. Should I go stag? Maybe I won't go at all because I don't feel like dressing up in the same black suit with an over-priced tie on. As for the food, I agree with you Tedio, I'd rather just eat at home with my chicken adobo. I swear, potluck ya'll. And don't forget the rice. But if I do go, for once, can the girl actually like me? I'm assuming this being my last Akbayan Winter Formal. Geez. I don't mind though. Being the wise Lolo gives me experience. Although, I'm willing to learn from the youngin' peeps. Again, what is there to learn? The only person that I actually feel like I'm benefiting from is Jamie. Oh! Jamie is my 5-year old baby brother. That light-skinned mestizo baby. *Sigh* I wish I could get girls the way he does. Anyway, I want to take MAY to the winter formal but i feel it'll be too weird. Just like the time I took Lai as my date. Most of the time we just sat down and talked. That's not bad, it was pretty cool. But I love to dance too. Well, I guess I can't really explain the awkwardness of the event. Probably because there really wasn't one. I'd also like to take Jessica from Sif-SU. I doubt none of ya'll know who the heck she is. I would just love to reveal my crush, but damn, I'm not good with my VO2max constantly beating. Who else? Nicole but she's going with her boyfriend, Vince. Who else is there? Damn. Maybe I'll wait to be asked, which will not likely happen. Blah! I'll bring my Tech162 book with me. There ya go. There is a certain somebody I've thought about since a particular Saturday night in a vast empty glass of M.S. Ahh! Reasons alone, I smile and give ya a simple and seducing gesture of "how you doin'?" and continue to ring my fingers through that great smelling head of hair.

The Return of my Nonsense Rhymes

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"Getting used to another role of familiarities;
Feeling of undecisiveness, confusion, realities that break us down into what we are not;
My mind turns and twists and bends to find my heart soul harmony of the society seen neglect its own shade;
Words of forever, words of always, words of everlasting happiness and scolding memories;
Seeing not only smiles, but unfolded treasures of nothings that shall never be concealed;
Over and over and under and under, drums and beats of scales not used to;
Cracking into pieces of thousands yearning to reconstruct a better anew;
Without thought, that destruction cannot find its new ways;
Brown cannot find what is truly there's;
Let the sphere of living life forces just signify the undeniable seasons of others."

THIS WHOLE PURPOSE OF MY PARTS IN LIFE IS TO CONTINUE MY STORY. IN THE FUTURE MY KIDS, AND YOUR KIDS WILL READ OUR OWN INDIVIDUAL STORIES. LIVE YOUR LIVES ACCORDING TO GREATNESS AND LIKE A STORY. AS IF YOU'LL BE TELLING IT ONE DAY. sniff.

Coughing: Watching some show in SF. - Good...GREAT to be home in Frisco. NICE and COLD.

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PART V - i'll make this short. maybe because my other blogs were just too too long. and i wanna comment on my LAST f'games. ahha...i doubt that. whoa! no really. LAST! ok, where did i leave off? i wake up next to ann with sleeping on my tummy. bj sits on top of me and starts thrusting me. oddly as it may seem, it felt good. hehe...j/k. i just thought that he was giving me aa butt massage. yum. I rise and find Ro-shelle with a towel on her head, ann dead and drunk, diane the exactly same way, vesper chillin', bj still on top of me sportin' wood (tell the truth homie) i'm sexy. haha. and who else. no one. i get up around 945am :: i go to my room and find my roomies gettin' ready for breakfast. i'm walkin' through the halls with no shoes...just socks. and how on earth did i change out of my pants and into my sweats. wow. charlie's angels is on. i get caught up. its 1015am and ted gets mad at me saying "shoot dude, you wanna leave or what" i'm thinkin. i'm tired. get out or i'll bite you :: i finish with my shower and stuff by 1045am and i decide to look for those lobby ladies. room 445. i go in, show them my f'games shirt and take pictures. woohoo. 1119am we're on bottom floor of garage, i'm blocking way taking pictures of everyone. i drove aris' car a little. FUN STUFF. ok ok. we begin to exit the hotel driveway 1215pm. YES ONE FULL HOUR LATER. FREAK. CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST WAVE GOOD-BYE NEXT TIME. DOWN FILIPINO's and UP WITH BROWN. i'm just playin' fools. keep your pants on. seriously. we get gas at chevron and i'm stressin' on wwhere daniel is. he said he'd ride down with us. but he stays with deryk's car. phew! i decide to leave the convoy. sorry FUN VAN passengers. Richwood follows and Marlon catches up and decides to tailgate me. grrr...oh well.. CAN YOU KEEP UP HOMIE? VRRROOMMM. hehe. so i ask Aldrich to drive cuz i'm too tired. we eat at Popeye's 130pmNOW THIS IS WHERE THE CRAP HITS THE FAN. *covering my mouth* oops. CONFIDENTIAL Leave and decide to stop off at some other place for gas again. i drive the rest of the way back as the light outside fades away. we begin our infamous questions according to rainaspects blog. i heard some fun stuff. but affirmations. its all good. it seems great to finish off a weekend on a good note. yo tedilicious. we're all "COOL...and ALRIGHT" shoot. u know u gots more in that mouth of yours. 6pm we finally hit 101. *sigh* almost done. what my passengers didn't know. i'm FRICKIN' tired. i'mma fall asleep. phew! traffic is over. i could have swore that i fell asleep at the wheel with my foot on the brake. we drop off Ted. bye ted. we drop off Raina and Aldrich. bye. i fall asleep, the van is totally clean. i wake up. i drop off Dre and Ernesto. bye. i drive home and find a parking spot right in front :: 8pmi drive to ice centre for my ice hockey. i'm tired...so tired...but i play like i always play. no goals, no assists. no trip. i get home at 930pm and try to start my paper. guess what happens. THUNK! i sleep. good night.

Singing along with: Call On Me by DNH - its Halloween Night...Brrr...its cold in here. hehe

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PART IV -i'm all for games. i love the games. its what makes the whole trip interesting. although, there's a lot of cheatin' goin' on. but its all good i guess. shoot. i just realized that i told the freshmen to cheat. i'm bad. *slap* bad gumbi. :: so conveyor belt had diane on top. whoa. and she totally just flew right off. goodness...and dammit. that other school was so close. how are we supposed to get around. anyway. we didn't place. we couldn't. not at the rate we were going. i left during Tidal Wave to sit next to nicole, pammy, vince, and MAY. *sigh* hehe. i also bought my first and last f'games shirt. funtimes now. anyway, i just took a picture of some csuf girl with some wet shirt. her fault for showin' the boob. oh well. so i go back to the hotel because i'm tired and i wanted to make sure dre was doing good. she was in 509 with gumbissa and jae. i think after we won FIRST, they all attempted to go back to the hotel. esp. alexis and gail going back and taking a shower. i went back with ted and decided to go eat. approximately 1156am :: so i go meet up with ted in the front, and guess who comes out. the group of girls from 445 and my roomies. woohoo. ya'll need a ride. ok...mcd's yum. get back to the hotel at 1215am and gina-bina calls up saying she's going to the games now. i'm like. cool. finally get to meet her. the tribulations of meeting people online. you wanna meet them, but at the same time, you don't wanna meet them. but sure. 4 year friendships could go on without ever meetnig. her and i have. ted and i eat in the room 516 and he spills his drink...GREAT! we head back to the games at 115pm and guess what. HALFTIME is still goin' on. *yawn* i almost fall asleep, but i decide to take a stroll around and look for gina-bina. but guess what. she leaves already. stupid booger butt. hehe. halftime ends like at 135pm and we're all set for Alpine to frickin' start. but when we're about to start, there's anothe rdance group. so the Alpine Team on my End...Aris, Kathleen, Alexis, etc. ya'll are the best. although, having that ski flying in different places makes it difficult to start off. but shoot. we're the bomb. we were one of two schools to go after one set. the rulers told us to stop. dammit. so we had to do the whole thing over. should have got 2nd, but 3rd is all good. damn. i was yellin' LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT. i stopped like 3 quarters of the way. couldn't say nothing. so we passed the line and i fell. we took 3rd. at least we placed. next Groundhog where i actually coached. GO!!! GO!!! can you freakin' hear me? GO!!! once they heard me, damn we were fast. luckily we went from 4th to 2nd. should have been 1st. oh well. twas fun. so we ended up with 20 something points. time to go home. but first, the pictures. SJSU, and then Triforce. yes i'm proud to be a brown person at that point. so its time to clean up. once i figured that the clean up was all good, we sat underneath the canopy and played some hand slap game. alexis, gail, kathleen, aris, ana, and some others. damn. i love being around females. esp you aris. haha. so we close up camp and head back. but bj and i won't carry that thing the whole way. we see abby. woohoo. we get a free ride, although, we wait almost 20 minutes for ulo to get to his car so we can put it in there. sheesh. its like 530pm now and i'm chillin' waiting for ulo. woohoo there he is. we go inside and i'm chillin' in 509 watchi'n the game. lofton hits the ball and we score 2-0. finally. something good. so ulo and i go downstairs to watch in the lobby. there they go, alexis, gail, kathleen and rhia. eatin' there food. watching the giants score. and dangit. late 7th inning, angel's come back in full force. straight pity. i'm so disappointed. oh well. time to shower. its about 9pm now. :: i get out of the shower and expect myself to get in the van and go to downtown disney espn zone. shoot. little did i know that paulo, courtney and ted were now coming...cool. and then i recruited kathleen during the game. didn't want her to sit in her room being bored. also, owen came along cuz he's a homie and i think he has something for what's her name. but shhhh...so that me, ted, paulo and courtney (the originals) and then kathleen, owen, bj and diane. so altogether 8 in my fun/family van. woohoo. but wait. 2 more cars behind me with justin and company and allen and company, including dre. ok. so we're going down State College Street. all you hear is *honk honk* Angel's fans goin' crazy. oh well we made it to the next street and we get to dt. disney. when we arrive, sfsu arrives. fun times. ok ok. we walk and enjoy ourselves. we catch up with raina and company at Naples. the lasagna is delicious. yum. :: 1130pm and we reach the California Adventure. taking pictures in the letters and contemplating the crucified monkey on the golden gate bridge. hmmm. ok. moving on to Denny's. we do some weird stuff that just can't be explained, so we'll leave it at that. so now its, joey ted raina owen kathleen aris dre bj diane roshelle addie jovi paulo courtney sitting at 3 different tables. ok ok. let's fast forward to finding where the heck the van went. i'm like...where's the van. ok dre. you were right...for once...sheesh. anyway, we got in the van, and we were on our way back to marriott. until bj starts messin' with diane. she gets scared and i'm like. geez. stop trippin'. what else. i have control of the lights in the car and i was playin' around with them. kathleen gets spooked, but i reassure her that it was me playin' with the lights. sheesh. :: we get back at 130am but i decide to go to 151. there's one thing i've never done at f'games...and that is drink. so shoot, my last one, bottom's up. well, a certain somebody, Aivy and Abby, invite my soul to a night of endless drinking. as for me, i'm a light/heavy weight when it comes to drinking. i was tired. so after the first drink made by Aivy, i was warm and ready to be taken advantage of. what happened that night? this is what happened...after my first drink eight hours later :: 930am i find myself sleeping in the freshmen room 521 next to ann. *scratching head* ok. wow. ok. sunday was as much fun as friday. yet more profound shhhh went down.

Listening to: Grand Theft Auto III - RJ's playing - i have a stuffy nose in my right nostril.

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PART III The Morning...i wake up at like 430am because Marlon wouldn't keep the light right above me off. there's like 5 other lamps in the room. i ain't trippin' though, i'm a nice guy. frickin' 2 hours of sleep. argghhh. anyway, i would have thought i could rest til about 515am...but NOOO. so i jump into the shower and find something weird. HOT WATER. wonderful itis. usually all the hot water is gone. damn those other schools. DAMN you to hell. (in Homer voice) 527am i'm out and about on the 2nd floor of the parking garage. i begin taping with my video camera...and yes it does work. oh no! its drizzling. everyone decides to walk. but me, being my how manyth year at csuf games. i'mma ride with jamboy, paulo, tedio, and crystal. woohoo, we pass by akbayan like twice and they continue to walk in front of the car. GET OUT OF THE WAY! haha. woohoo now there's a straight up down pour 538am :: lucky for me, marissa was underneath a huge canoy umbrella. YES! and i await for registration in front of the akbyaan line. and guess who i meet. if i recall her, her name was Christine. yes from fullerton. she's cute for a petite and gorgeous eyed hottie mama. nad yes i did take a picture with her. yum! we walk in and i see everyone lookin' in awe. they see schools underneath their individual canopies. i think i saw a whole club underneath one of those small canopies. like 50some people's. sheesh. and then you got those school's who are willing ill-death sicknesses to win SPUF. ah yes. i was willing, but was akbayan, heck no. don't blame them. no heart. well, not yet. :: 622am and the rain stops comin' down. woohoo. all the posters pretty much ruined except one particular poster. yes of course. Aldrich's super SF Giants poster. not just a poster, but a monkey hangin'...bing's monkey. haha. its gonna be one hellava day. 735am and you can just hear spuf from left to right. people runnin' around the field. woohoo. i wish i didn't have to leave this, but shoot, if i don't grow up, what filipino will? ha! i notice that amazing sun peek through the clouds, but not yet. :: 759am we all get ready for Roll Call. we're like the 15-20th school to go up. i only liked fullerton mainly because where i was standing, in the front as usual, NICOLE was standing right there struttin' her stuff. adorable she is. would say too much for me though. so pomona or santa barbara goes up with some long roll call, yet it was really good. almost as good as akbayan's. as much as i liked everyone's, i wouldn't dare record the whole thing of each oneof them. no way. too tedious to watch. i'm fine just chillin' with like 15 seconds of each. anyway, i left after hmmm? the school with all the bahog guys wettin' themselves and turnin' around and seein' girls...young inexperienced horny girls because they've nevercome close to such things. shoot. its filipino males in bahogs. if no one every came to the PI, we would still be wearin' them. ha! i'm down. shows off my sexy booty. yikes. enough. next up. :: about 830am we're getting for the games. well, actually, everyone's eating. sheesh. its not like we'll die if we don't eat a balanced 3 meal diet for one day. geez. sorry guys. its just, yeah, we got DQ'd from the Nasty. d'oh. my game. we always win this. losing is something but DQ'd...gahhh! hehe...its ok. we got 4 more games. shoot. i think i'll come back later. remember. we still got Conveyor Belt, Tidal Wave, Halftime, Alpine, and Groundhog. and the infamous trip to Downtown Disney. DAMN YOU ANGEL'S FANS. frickin' annoying.

Song playing: Look at us now baby by Sarina Paris - I finally finished that damn tech 198 paper. i'm kinda proud of it.

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PART II begins...so Ernesto still had to drop his load. so he goes, if we are not stopped and at a bathroom by 830pm, he would let it out. so, the nice person i am, i exited and found a mcd's. food and bathroom. and of course, aldrich gets dogged because of his giants attire. me too. my visor. haha. fun stuff. we finally leave and figure out that 91 was straight ahead. we all cheered in excitement. from that point, aldrich sits in front and plays his trance cd. so him and i start dancing dancing. so we go over the high 91 junction and keep driving. we keep telling ourselves that 52 would be coming up. but then i remember that its 57. so i almost miss the exit but we hit it. woohoo. la freeways. so frickin' confusing. 3 exits later we see NUTWOOD. WOODNUT. NUT...WOOD @ 847pm. we've arrived. we park in the bottom floor of marriott garage and get our stuff to go upstairs. yay! so exciting. we walk into hotel and find...boom, jonas, jon, owen, rhia, gail, etc. woohoo. i bet you they're bored. i go upstairs to room 509. i meet nicole there and meet pammy and MAY. haha. :: so i walk around to different rooms, but no one is around. so i chill in 509 for a long while. my passengers all chill while i find myself something fun to do. little did i know that some of pasa arrive. i exit the elevator representing San Jo. then one of the security comes up behind me saying keep it down. and the polite person i am, i give him a gesture of acceptance. i saw wassup to everyone but then i'm alone again being bored. so i go back to my room and find that no one is in there. bored bored bored. finally something comes up with cabinet. from 9-10pm i chill with kathleen, dre, alexis and owen just watching people walking back and forth. ted calls me and tells me that they need help with some problems. but shoot, he forgot i'm not on cabinet. so from 10-12pm, i'm not acquired to say what was down. haha. 12midnight comes and we're at the sjsu meeting trying to keep everything quiet. all 82 people were in the dining area. kinda tight, yet my hype was pretty much gone. i watched how the KOK's walked in the moment they got to the hotel. the freshmen clique have no idea what they're doing, and the rest of us are just chillin' i'm sittin' feelin' tired. i could possibly name everyone in that room now. but i choose not to because this blog is already long enough and i'm still on friday. well, the meeting is over and i'm wondering through the hallways with whoever. finally, aldrich and i pass by the fullerton girls again and again, but continue to ignore them, mainly because nicole wasn't there. *sigh* finally i decide to meet my roommates. wassup ullises, marlon, richwood, owen, joseph, jon, and paulo. welp, its 245am and i'm off to bed and funtimes in 3 hours. To Be Continued...

Song playing: Jackson 5 Medley :: what you're about to read is a fun, fulfilled weekend. hope you've had experiences like these.

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my very last friendship games. it sounds like i heard myself say it last year. maybe because i did. i have no regrets going this year. i met a lot of good and fun people. the weekend began like this...
FRIDAY::i woke up at 815am :: faded my hair cuz i wanna TRY to look pogi :: went to class at 915am cuz i had to walk :: spend some time in my nufs 163 class, i found out that reagan ordered over 15 halfway houses be constructed around our campus. if you wanna know more about this, let me now...i'll tell you :: butler let us out at 1035am, 15 minutes after the designated time :: i met up with ted so we could drive over to stanford to pick up the van at enterprise. that's why i didn't bike to school. so i don't have to ride home and wait for ted :: so we went to stanford enterprise to meet up with gwen's bf, jason, very generous person.1107am hi5 homie, ted dropped me off and left. i received the van and left enterprise about 1115am. REMEMBER: I TOLD MY PASSENGERS WE WERE TO LEAVE AT 11AM (MY BAD) well, i was about a mile down the road when i forgot my ccard and license. so...my way back to enterprise :: 1123am i call up ernesto and dre and tell them that i'll be in front of the dorms at 1135am. i'm thinkin' - it took ted and i to get there in 23 minutes. is it possible to get from stanford to the dorms in 12 minutes. :: HELL NO!!! i got to the dorms at 1138am hehe...15 minutes. i went in front of JWH and found Dre, Ernesto and Daniel :: went to my place at 1145am and packed up to go pick up Raina and Aldrich at Raina's. 45 minutes off my schedule :: i get to Raina's about 12 noon. little do i know is that we're are to wait for ted there. :: so time goes by and 1225pm reaches and ted gets there. i'm pulling out of Raina's driveway when i hear that we forgot the bahog's. ARGH! :: on to ted's house. 1238pm. i take my lap around Miranda Park and depart with ted, raina, ernesto, aldrich, dre, and myself at 1243pm :: now we gotta get gas at 76. Dre pays with her ccard. this is the fun part. we take about 10 minutes to figure out how to open the gas thingy. b4 that though, i thought the gas thing was on the right...but of course my luck...its on the driver's side. d'oh. finally, we have no idea how to open the gas thing. when i walk up to the thing and flick the opening how my car is. the person who was to pump the gas got mad at me. i won't say who this individual is. but ha! weirdo. its 1259pm FRICKIN' 2 HOURS AFTER SCHEDULED TIME TO DEPART well, gotta live with what comes to you :: we hit 152 at 136pm, 5 at 253pm, 91 at 806pm :: on 101, we just chilled and listened to MY music. YES! but then, Dre fell right to sleep. DRE? you're in shotgun...you're supposed to stay awake. anyway, dre and ted switched :: we went straight through 152 in such a quick breeze. like 35 minutes of 75mph driving through hills and turns. phew! by the time 5 came along, we warned ourselves of the infamous cow smell. aldrich notices and quickly says "close the vents...COWS" :: after seeing the Los Angeles sign a few times, Dre begins to call off the number of miles to LA starting at 204. and if you haven't noticed, the sign shows up every 11 miles. the best thing about it was that when she updated us, we all cheered "hooray". you know...the way Nicole does it :: hehe. i love cruise control. that's why i went through the straight away of 5 in less than hour and a half. we reached grapevine and bought gas at 410pm :: and from there, the San Bernardino Hills got to me. with curvy uphills and a small drizzle of rain, we all began to get restless. but little did the weather know, we all had Giants fever in our blood. esp. Aldrich. he made a sign that later became the strength of akbayan :: about 15 minutes left of the whole trip, we all needed to use the bathroom. i'm thinking. i gotta go pee in my head, but i know that the hotel is near. so i scream out, stop laughing back there nymphos "i gotta pee". little did i know, 30 seconds later, Aldrich says "if this car isn't stopped by 715pm, i'm going in the bottle." so his urgency became my urgency, and mine became dre's, and dre's became ernesto's #2. whoa! so through traffic, i'm trying to get through this infamous la traffic and finally find an exit. but b4 that, aldrich opens up a bottle and pretends that he's gonna go. hehe...and at the same time being next to dre. wow! i turn up the radio so none of us hear the waterfall and splashes in the bottle. hopefully he only needs ONE bottle. if not, geez. and so on. i forget which one, but we pass over 101 and find that the freeway has NOOOOOO traffic whatsoever. but that's beside the point until we find a restroom. we stop at a 76 and find out that there's no restroom. arghhhh! so we go down more and find that there's a bridge. i quickly make a right turn almost hitting someone behind me. phew! we end up in the straight boonies where we could all get raped...but i didn't care. i found a wall and let it out. 63 seconds of flow. while aldrich's 90+ seconds of relief. little did i know was that dre decided to let it out to. yikes. a girl peeing doesn't seem correct, esp. in the place we were...but she did. so we all were relieved but ernesto. i'll continue tomorrow. this is a long blog. PART I ends

Song playing: Slow Jam by Monica & Usher - don't ask me why I put this. I guess i want to be like Whiskers and Joyee. ya'll are just too cool - how do you do it?

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ha! so the Giants lost again. but its ok. its all for ratings. all sports are conspiracy directives. the 49ers lost because of TO's consequences for his over-rewarding TD signing. the Sharks keep losing because, now that NABOKOV signed, the return of NABBY! NABBY! will be even more uplifting for SJ Shark fans!!! What else. damn! the Giants. SHOOT! if you had a fight between a SF Seal & Anaheim Monkey, the monkey would get slaughtered. although, the monkey might give the seal an unbelievable disease. GREAT!? As for the SJSU football team. more fluke wins? AND the Warriors? hmmm? Maybe...damn. can't say anything. put Bryant and Shaq on the Warriors and they'll probably still lose. As my roommates and I conclude is that sports is empowered by mafias. or maybe we watch too many gangster shows. Sopranos - Sunday 9-10pm HBO. quick plug.
oh! this week has been great so far and its only tuesday night. for once, i got a B in my 168, and an A in my 162. *sigh* woohoo. Akbayan people are so hype to go down to F'games. but do they have just enough to bring SPUF and Games home. YES! Yes they do!!! also, 18/20 on my 162 lab1. YES!!!! oh? ICEMEN, my ice hockey team, we won 9-0. i got a ONE SHORT-HAND GOAL. YAH!!!!!!!! bye bye

it has finally came back. that feeling i get when i get attached. it's so great in the beginning but then my pace is just so much faster than the other. how do u react to that? sometimes i feel i can over do it, and then the other will just hate me. now i'm just trying to find someone to talk to. but then, i also have so many assignments due. my patience with temper is so confident. on the other hand, my patience with communication is out of the ordinary. communication is very important to me, and i'm not taking it well. now i feel like this. i have a midterm tomorrow and i can't concentrate. i have a research paper due wednesday and i hardly started on it. AND. the giants are losing. good grief. relationship school and leisure is just miserable. i told you. its back. i've dealt with these feelings before, but i can never find my way around it.

School really sucks sometimes. But, for me, I just love going. Maybe its because of the people i see at school. I know...I know. That's really the wrong reason to go to school. Seriously, I go to all my classes, and I haven't cut a not a one ever since...i was a junior. haha. i ain't telling you people what year I am. I'm OLD. hehe. (topic change) I worked at Pirates of the Emerson again tonight. No more...please! Shoot - they were hitting back today. gotta frickin' bloody nose from getting hit in the face. grrr. I also went to the Shark's game last night. woohoo. they won 4-3. ALL because I went. *sigh* (topic change) gina-bina - you make me feel bad...grrr. i realize a little bit too late the way i treat you sometimes. My apologies in advance for all the times I always say "Think about this..." I can be a dick to you sometimes. And school and studying shouldn't be an excuse to blame you on all my stresses and frustrations. (topic change) ha-choo!!!

Appreciation is what makes me even feel better and better. To see the transformation of a friend take place is a great feeling of joy taken over me. Yes. Whiskers. You get a high-5 from the Gumbi. But besides that - i've decided to write with a big more grammar because most of you can't comprehend with what i've quoted ever since the first time i started blogging. i didn't want to make this a normal journal thingy. oh well, see what you people do to people like me. you make me normal. i'm so not down to be normal. i'm a weirdo. i'm so weird you see a brown hockey player on the ice. yes. well, around here, filipinos don't put ice skates on. YES. a way to be different and at the same time love what i'm doing. ok. to break my life down at this point in time. studying has taken a great part in my life giving me reasons to achieve in greatness in what i'm learning...happy that that special person(s) are in my life...my nayabka lifestyle has been fading-knowing that i can step out of that loop...making friends in ways i thought not i could...that's it. leave me be until next time. G-Bina - sorry i didn't answer your call. SJ Sharks - ya'll are tight. and you win on the first game i go to. WOOHOO!!! my Chicagoan weirdo - be strong. don't ever let things to farther then they're supposed to...Whiskers - 160+ ok!?...Cough² - SICK AGAIN. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"feels of yay's over and over again. everything just seems less tense when a presence of your fragrance fills my lungs. my eyes look deep into yours as usual, but this time, there is an enormous amount of joy and passion running through my veins. does this path not find a permanant home, this umbrella of smiles has been worth this temporary time. my foot follows each foot wanting and feenin' for footprints that devour my craving for my brr. like lifting my excited body into the air, flowing like the winds of undeniable purity. for this time of space, long for what is what comes." - i have this strange but familiar feeling in my mind, body, soul, heart for you brr.

"giving up, knowing that the end is near is hopeless. retreating from the inevitable is but a part of my culture that i've seen with my own eyes. with the range of age around my aspirations, males and females feel that achievement of goals should and must be made. now the generation next have no one really to look up to. busy people ignore the one's calling out. why can't we just leave everything be, and shoot for the gold from the dreams that we imagined since we were young. i do. i see my goal fading and coming. by my end, i see a clear, concise image of what lies in front of me. until it surpasses my direction, my view is straight-foward. i see my goal. i see my future endeavor. i see my next obstacle." -key meaning:::Don't give up. to Whiskers. This is for you.

"my mind seems as though its getting nudged out. this pain i literally feel, this agony i long not to feel no more. will it soon be gone. the misery i feel wishing to keep my eyes shut, keep my body in unconscious thought. please. let it go. leave me alone. i want to be isolated from such pains. i must let go, i shall let go. i am so much stronger than this. i will not give up. i will conquer my foes, i will demolish my nemesis, i will devour such obstacles. i am determined, i am powerful, i am strength waiting to fulfill and assist others in isolation and discouragement. for now, i must rest. rest my soul, rest my mind. i fall behind waiting for completeness."

San Francisco Giants - win game 4 to tie series with Atlanta Braves -woohoo

San Francisco 49ers - win week 4 against St. Louis Rams (3-1) -woohoo

San Jose Sharks - lost final preseason game against Vancouver Canucks -d'oh

Oakland Athletics - lost game 4 closing out season against Minnesota Twins -blah

Oakland Raiders - won week 5 against Buffalo Bills (4-0) -blah

SJSU Football - won against TMU 34-23 (3-2) -woohoo

NHL - 3 more days 'til season begins -woohoo

Akbayan's 2nd Annual Ma'Boo'hay - another success - woohoo

ICEMEN - lost against Bruise Brothers 0-1 (2-1) -d'oh & blah

Boredom is the result of many occurrences. One is because people don't want to get up and find something to do. The smallest thing can amuse or entertain you. Two is because you lack the imagination. My boredom seems to come up when I'm just relaxin' with my leisure time. You can say I have a lot of this. Think about it.

"round eyes, shy smile, potential, fatigue, on-going beauty." - yes...you are all these things.

last night i woke up around 3am coughing my lungs out. i thought i was going to start coughing out blood soon the way i was yackin' and blah. anyway, my throat was so sore, whenever i swallowed, it hurt. there was a small point no air was going through. the world part is that everytime i inhaled, there was a poignant pain in my lower rib cage and mid-spine area. so tell me, if i died right there, would you know? probably not.
so i ask again, if i vanished, would you notice?
if i left, would you look for me?
if i died, would u come to my funeral?
The last thing I want in my life is to be alone. The last thing I want in my life is to leave everyone without an explanation. The last thing I want everyone to think is how stubborn I was. The best thing I can tell you know is that I'm sick. A sick that I've never felt before.

update on me: school is frustrating. i want an A but i receive a B. I want to enjoy my classes, but i fall asleep. work is the same. lenient, flexible, do-able.

on we go. i call this Friends We Long To Remember "Continuously yearning to find another person to share a new experience of life with. Falling deeply into a nightless cavern, filled with reflections of memories that are reminiscent to my eyes. Casted like a shadowed dream wishing to leave behind. Forgetting what cannot be done, realizing that what ownership given, these objects are gathered dust hugged by four sides and glasses. Do dare to keep thinking of what was done, instead of what shouldn't have been done, it's all behind us now. Do dare us not the impossibles, instead of settling for just the possibles. Do dare the abnormal feelings, characteristics portrayed for each fruit, pouting away the yeses and nos, instead keeping the norm between souls. Further the gap and find within yourself to make me remembered. Paint me a part of your life, until the day that washed away into the piped grates." Define this...

"feel as if my last breaths are coming. fatigue, absolutely no endurance, all i have is my will to fight this blah. rest, head down, two sometimes three blankets over me. its so cold, my pain in my breathe has seized to a minor. my body aches dropping down onto bed like boulder meeting water. sucked deep into my bed yearning for another inhale and exhale of good clean air. instead my body sinks, sinks, sinks. to the bottom i must rest. to the bottom for now i must regain what i had before. to the bottom i must wither away and be proud of the accomplishments in my life. but why must i go now, isn't there much much more to do out there. thinking of something so unusual, that i feel complete. yet, i know i am not. i'm fighting this laziness, yet enemy away once again. it seems like yesterday i was in battle. let me black out. i'm so burnt out. is it time to rest? yes! leave me be. i'm ready to see the rest...of my life." blah!

someone tapped me on the shoulder today. i have no idea who it was because they wouldn't turn around. also, i have no idea which person tapped because there were so many people walking in that same direction. if anyone knows who this person is, let me know. its incredible how much i've been into my studies. it kinda hurts. i have a sore throat. but this piece of thingy is for the akbayan people in my life.

"As the days lessen my life seems to become more and more fulfilled. The bodies that have entered my life is amazing. For once, respect and ears open is gained for my mind. Expecting nothing but a smile in return, my life grazes with happiness with others. How can departing help keep me from these people. Missing them will gain as days pass. What was my reason for leaving again? To get on with my life and what. Akbayan is my life. My characteristics have been boiled over due to the magnitude of what this organization has given. From people like the Bangi's, Teddylicious', Ulo's...for once the smile on my face is true to the game. Making a difference in a community takes time and commitment. Putting forth the last five, six, ten years, this place of comfort is where my belonging is. To put down this club is more like facing my back toward my dear mother. Impossible as it may seem, my life can isolate from this place of paradise. The cabinet means so much more deeper than what others may seem. Defining it is family, happiness, a greater cause toward life."
This piece is for those whom I've shared cabinets with: Cheryl Myra Mark P. Brandon Bryan Rowena Franchesca Ickey Jocie Charlie Renee Courtney Mike4 AJ Ted Marissa Irene Jonas Lynelle Anna Elaine Joanne Lowellen Erick Aris Ana T. Zaldy Michelle C. Michelle P. Alex Jeff M. Mike Jerry Annie Marius Mark S. Ryan Deanna Reyna Suzanne Tawny Brian A. Jeff A. Paulo Andrea Courtney Aldrich Allen Ernesto Nyl Brian B. Nicole Ana L. April Karen Eric Christine Florylynn Leighton Dynah Joyce Eileen Chariss Charleane To you 64 people, I am who I am.

To be a leader, one must know some key points. As a fact, this type of opinion is mine and in total will not be critical for any type of ways it can be wrong. My bias is mine. Your mind is your mind. And these are my words of leadership identity.
"Let go of the inevitable and find out that your meant to be in front of the line. Sacrifice your time temporarily to team up with those toward a certain goal. Grab hold of that torch and lead what you must. Those that shadow shall be of great need. If marching forth is such easy job, your ideas are much very wrong. Into account, a take great time to get other's to become not followers, but much performed leaders like my mind has set me to believe. If leading is set in your mind to do the best you possibly can, its not good enough. Your mindset should be developed, constucted, and foreseen in all's mind. In the case that you miscommunicate your vision, other's shall branch off and leave your mentality to failure. talk, speech, dialogue. give what you can, but do what you must."

"Developing that sense of acceptance when giving away my point of view when figuring that my way is either the best or worse way. Listen to words of many lips while figuring that some may motivate a mind that will change them or exploit them. Fill out that specific piece of information on that sheet and you'll get in return a reply that will get you ahead or leave you behind in a particular bucket full of snappers. Choose what you know what you want to do while others ponder on how much life will differ on their chooses of the present. Keeping in mind that a choice will not make any difference if taken into consideration that it was the wrongful choice. At any point in time, there is no certain decision that must be made that will show your determined future. Living a flowing path will decide for itself on what you must do is correct in lines of happines and pain. Most leave out the fact that their words are hypocritism, due to the lines of breath that what they say is not what they do, but what they do believe. Who cares for future when none are certain there will be. Assuming the lesser of any assumption will live on in this suicidal community, leaving left not for the bad, but to feel there must be something for a good turning point." Summary live a long life in short increments. the path not yet taken may seem longer than expected. don't find yourself with a burden that will be left.

"Brown eyes...finally now i realize...that only your smile can move me ...its like a moving within your loving arms...and that why...you're mine...(phrase)darlin'...my darlin...i care for you so(i care for you so)...oh darlin'...oh and you'll never know...oh darlin'(darlin')...darlin'(darlin')...with every breath i take...i love you darlin'...so please take care of my heartparalyzed(excellance)...you are to me...keep me(as your numero uno)...as your number one to see...you complete in every single way...i wanna stay forever in love with you girl...lets raise a family...darlin' your the inspiration...when i keep holding on to you and never let you go...(so darlin'...my sweet sweet darlin'...i will always treat you right...so let this last forever baby) -Boys II Men Darlin'

riangeliq: ill keep you on mah bl
riangeliq: coz u seem like a dope person tah talk to

WOW! i'm dope!!!

"listening to a flow of letters rythym beat by beat with my heart following along. looking into thy eyes and finding a map, an atlas, a way to grasp heart. leading my way into your soul, a locked area which i long to break hold of. my words, my mind, my soul, my entire well-being longs to find the way into your beating heart. the thought of my heart with your heart is like a slow dance. the touch of our hands in one another's, the gentlemen hold of my hand against your side, your hand briskfully pulsing the back of my neck, eyes glistening inches apart finding a treasure waiting to be found, the sway of our bodies moving side to side, the flow of air, breath, oxygen from our harmony, the sound of just our own beautiful notes for thou can only hear, the time seeming endlessly, the next step waiting to be made. for that next step is bliss. for that next step is fantasy. for that next step only to be with you. for that next step finally fallen deep in love with you." - dedicated to all the females that i once felt deeply for. thank you all for the feelings. without you, these words would never have been made.

"the likeliness has turned. as a net has been cut in ways that i've been whiplashed. my belief for reliance has been taken from me. the sadness outcome is devastating. the loose of my whip has been cut and left as a cut worm to begin growth once again. has my shade finally been brightened and has the light finally become unveiled with honesty. i mustn't forget the truths of false fatuations. my path has become unset and must direct myself in ways less travelled. facing a greater rock has been thrown to another pile of dirt. must put foot by foot down to further my decisions or roads. until anew i see what has bestowed upon myself." - dedicated to my heart "I will live on."

its about time. we plan to meet and she's not where she told me she'd be. but its ok because she was where she said she would probably be. and the shy guy I am, turns completely around and runs away. there's only two people whom I've ran away from because of my giddy feelings for them. like a school boy trying to ask a girl to dance at his first dance. she saw me, i saw her. probably thinking of each other the whole time. and just one hundred feet from each. and she tells ME, "come up to me and say hi" that's the problem. i just can't. so i see her leaving her 'balcony'. so i leave and see if i can catch up to her. unlucky as i am, she vanished. i finish all my deliveries (ha! i'm a shipping and receiving delivery worker on-campus btw) and park my cart. i walk up to the table and THERE she is. I'm so shy I just completely ignore her. Even when Bear calls out my name, I hear you, but too scared to answer. so i walk further away from the voice. And when i look back, her back is faced me. Ay ya! I get a call from work. CHANCE TWO failure. blah! time to go to class. after class, i help Jefboy get the thingy. as we walk down those last three steps off the su, i run the thingy into her...almost. i'm like. WOOHOO! and there you go. More soon!!!!

SCHOOL MEANS SO MUCH

"after time goes my world is changing :: friends begin fading and aquaintances expand in my world :: family gets deeply involved because this world has so many points" my brain hurts, so i'mma go early this time. all i know is that i'm still lonely and i'm starting school again.

troubles and separations. differences and awkwardness. secrets and backstabbing. successes and goals. delegations and teamwork.

i see the world through my two eyes and lower them in disbelief. has the struggles finally ended in failure.

i see the ways of traditional life deteriorating into waste. must i continue to live on with hopelessness in others.

i see the direction of mindless souls headed straight for broken bridges. should this living hell go on.

i see the smiles of children fading due to lack of support. could laughter bring back brightful days.

i see the words of joy being tossed around like air. be that memory exist in thy hearts, yet not in the soul of a righteous man.

my head drops lower and lower feeling of sorrow in heart mercy in the mind and strength in soul. i give up at times.

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friends - family - strangers - lovers :: i've forgotten how to smile.

"life is just dandy" - when i hear this, the voice results to sarcasm and words not yet used by many.

"life sucks" - when i hear this, there is a temporary problem that eventually fades out of existence.

"life can leave me alone" - when i hear this, that person has been disapproved of life as they know it, not giving any sense of direction on what's next.

"realizing the world has taken away all my hopes, goals, aspirations. yet giving the gift of new mindsets. looking across a room full of obstacles, they are all different, but on the other side, my light shines. bumping, hitting, finding myself on the ground, once looked up, light has dimmed, looking for the energy that'll enrich my soul with spirit. just then, a fake light comes up and hurts, tears thy shreds. finding my light filled to an outlet, when such end is upon, i know that its not yet ready to uncoil my destiny. for now, my body fills with anxiety and frustration until i reach my shining sun." - MOOD: tired, body-aching, sleepy

"i wanna go straight up to you, look into your eyes, whisper "you are so beautiful" in your ear, gentle rub cheek to cheek and run my lips against yours." - can i make a girl lucky to have me?

I found something new about me. Although you might all know that I'm an open-minded person, but also down-to-earth. not likely out-going, but my shyness pays off. People seem happier when I'm opened up because my laughter and cheerfulness brings out those teeth that i love so much. I like to debate. I like to listen to others views about anything. And by the time its my turn, I won't stop until you yell at me or just leave. I don't mean to do this, but its how I live.

"The world longs in lonliness for those with multiple hearts." Define this. If you cannot, think about this... "We lie in a society of longing righteousness, being, seeing, and believing that we're separate, but equal. Lift up your minds people, we're not what it seems. Take it from those struggling, being, seeing, and believing. Are we not what eyes truly see. See truly eyes what not we are. Relase your soul. Enjoy your time with open hearts. Adjust to the ways of a righteous fool. Lend a soul, a smile. Be it, a life of pitiful souls."

"how is it possible that one can show that affection and warmth for a certain time straight and suddenly feel the need to move on in another instant. have i been written off as a negative instead of a positive moving forward through time and realizing that my life is going no where with gender bias. the happiness and sadness i've portrayed, given, and accepted have backfired into an oblivious reoccurrence that won't end. meet one, lose one, meet one, lose one; unlike a ripe grape how it show such beauty when plump and touched with flavor, until time develops shrinkage and unattractiveness. is it impossible to keep a straight tension span."

the art of saying good-bye. "friends part all the time. quickly, shortly, and usually very longingly. tis sad, joyous, depressed, all in all, creations of emotions fulfill the air as separation is anticipated. handshake, hug, kiss on the cheek, quick nod, hi-five, slap of palms. explaining the reason of au revoir, adios, sige. getting out swiftly is common due to the lack of attention gifted upon the victim, regarding the act of consideration to thou host, leader. waving once last time before all seen is silohuette of shadows upon shadows. smile vanishes, eyes watery, distance increasing. must it all end. final celebration, tis be back. no worries, no regrets. life live on, be straight, be new chapter." dedicated to Stacey. take care and good luck in hawai'i. i'll miss ya.

"my body has unfolded in a bliss of pleasure. your body next to mine. your mind connecting with mine. your soul reaching for mine. i can feel your presence with me, without me, while i'm far from thee. although, the mind is where the love comes, the love unravels the soul and keep that unwilling feeling of romance deep in my heart to give to you forever and ever, together with our arms linked, i am yours forever." madd flavor for my partnah AbstracSoul. your my homegirl forever. writer's block is for the soul. and flowin' is for meaningful lessons.

well, i actually put down a blog down for my whole camping trip. unfortunately, i'll have to get back to you on it because i had to restart my computer. argghhh

society treats everyone at an advantage. those high people think highly of themselves and believe that everyone could like them immediately. i don't think that's actually correct. yes i know, i always have the opposition toward everything in societies trends. people act fake no matter who they are. people just act who they want to be like in front of different crowds. i say, act and/or perpetrate whoever, whenever. its your life, who cares what other people say? for those who do care should find themselves. but it also bugs me how those people who say they care not how people judge them, but still find in their hearts to hate on others for judging them. hypocritical events such as these is senseless. my grammar should be corrected. that is what should be done instead of people looking at each other in suspicious ways. i say, look, smile, and say hi. not look, mug, and swear at each other. i believe being an anti-swearer helps me be patient and calm when frustration and anger fills my air. i'm very hard to annoy because i always keep it inside of me. but then keeping inside helps me analyze not to feel that way again. and its been working for the past twenty-three years. trust me, it's all worth it. even in relationships, i don't fight. if my girlie girl wants to fight, i'll let her. just not with me, cause i'll just continue to smile and wait until she's out of breath. phew! this is a mouthful. yay. i'm on my way to go camping. YESSSS!

refreshing as it is...swimming as become a daily thing. i nearly wanted to drown myself earlier. damn ice hockey. why must i be so competitive? ok here's the memory. it's second round playoffs and i'm playin' a not-so-average type game. but i'm still playin'. after three periods and overtime play, the score is one to one. its a 3 shooter shoot-out. the first person they point at is me. i'm good, but i'm not that good. the greatest and quietest moment in my life is up in the next five minutes. i decided to be the final shooter. ok!! the other team shoots first and makes 1 out of 3. the first two shooters on our team try to go top shelf on the goalie. both unsuccessful. so i know that the five-hole will be free but my wrister wasn't at full strength because of the long day. i only have two moves. and no way, i won't tell you what they are. so i hear the whistle and i'm on my way. i juggle the puck lightly from forehand to back while i finally lift my eyes to look into his eyes. amazing enough, i felt confident because i knew where the puck was at all times. about one to two feet in front of the goalie, i deke right, he over-commits, and i'm like this open net is mine. i slide the puck over to the back of my stick, unfortunately, instead of the puck going fifteen degrees, it goes about sixty-five degrees and i'm in upset because the puck is to far from me. i'm sad. it replays in my mind over and over. arghhhh. welp, next season.

this evening has been very interesting. so what if i think she is cute and she is cute. all in all, they're all my friends. its not like i'm going to be hittin' it off with them anytime soon. friends should stay friends and attraction should grow with the one's i see more as friends. i know that didn't make sense, but still, what IS supposed to make sense these days. the first time i saw her, i liked her. but then she went out with flowerboy. its all good. so sometimes when i see her, she's amazing. just the way her eyes look into mine. although i can't have her as my own, its good to be friends with her. i think its funny because she's like in front of her & i'm like totally complimenting her right now. now she's in my blanket. *sigh* the rest of my day went swell. i woke up and felt i've received a huge amount of sleep. feeling refreshed, i went to FAHAP, or Street Jam. although, my expectations toward the whole show was different. probably because i was looking forward to something totally different. so i stayed for about two hours and left. thanks ted for the johnny rockets. oh dang. next was the first round ice hockey playoffs. phew! after mitch attempting to defend the offender, he gives up two of the goals. GREAT! unbelievable, i gave up one of the goals also. but i don't play defense. oh well, i'm 1 for 1. shucks. on the good side, we won with a sweet pass to bruce and mitch pickin' up the garbage, hittin' in the rebound. woohoo! after that goal. i skated as fast i could, and slid on my tummy. OT game winner. HIGHLIGHT of my day. and then over to kat's birthday loungin' in the lounge area at peppermill. the red light and blue neon lights were a new and interesting experience. yes its supposed to look like vegas, and immediately i thought it did. overall, my day had its high points and low points. once again, i can relate to...hmmm? let's call her ballad. i can tell her a lot of things. well, i can tell anyone anything. its better to trust someone in the beginning and tend to lose their privileges afterward.

gina-bina? u ask who she is. she is like my bestfriend. i go to her for everything. although, i've never really told her that she was, its been easier to cope with her by not saying any unnecessary things. i guess you can say that we've liked each other off and on. just earlier she calls me and her little nephew says "joey-boey". i thought it was cute. hi little jordan. for instance, we both like each other right now, but then who knows what will happen next.

i wake up, sleep, wake up, sleep. i don't know if i should just sleep the whole day. but i've got to get ready to go ulo's. ZzzZZzZ

Logging & Blogging

second log - daytime - really bored at work, so I decided to go to my braddah's work - infamous computer lab. i noticed that if i ever have a instant thought in my mind, i can put it on this blogger shindig. incredible, almost the majority of my thoughts down and not faded out. what is the world coming to when joey can keep everything he's ever thought of. look out world, the end is near. i've realized that there's an exciting feeling i have whenever i'm delivering to the communications department on campus. whenever i pick up some packages and see the label "HGH 108" scribbled on the box, i immediately take this package as my own. well, of course i'm going to deliver it, i'm not a thief. anyways, there's a girl in this office that has the most amazing eyes. although they are contacts, but that's besides the point. i'm attracted to her looks of course. i don't know her, but we keep having this eye contact thing. even when i don't have a package for the office, I pass by the doorway and soemtimes i see her sitting there sometimes i don't. the suspense leads because i'm never sure if she's in there or not. i guess its things like that that gets my heart racing. i'm at work and i have like an hour left to kill. my tummy hurts because i haven't eaten since last night. thanks paulo, by the way, the Wendy's dinner was delicious. according to flowerboy(mikeS.), he believes that i'm getting buffer. although, it is possible because i've been dancin' with Barangay again. that dances i've been practicing for are so hard. its like i have to flex the whole time, my arms are drafted in air so my arms are also getting conditioned to stay up. i've gotta "knee walk" yes its a Muslim suite dance. the dance is called Langka Silat, actually Naka Silat depending on what Eric told me. my knees still hurt and its been like 5 days ago. ((yawn)) 7:54pm. i melt everytime i talk to her. i'm always wondering if she knows that i'm attracted to her. other than that, its not very serious. just the beginning of a friendship and maybe future relationship. but for now, i have my graduation date coming closer and closer. i'm listening to Tower of Power - Your Still A Young Man. for now, my eyes hurt. i went swimming at school again. dang the laps are getting shorter because i'm always there now. i can swim one way and back now. all it takes is practice. i just noticed that this journal thing is like a diary. eh!? who cares? this is Diary of Josh Gumbi. beware of mucho entries. ((rotating neck))

Codename: Joshgumbi

my first entry. kinda exciting, yet nervous. i'm unsure if anyone is actually going to read this thing. of course, mar, where are you? i know you'll be reading this. for this first time, i'm just going to babble on and on about stuff that's been on my mind, before, during, and after this day of time. intro? i'm twenty-three years young about the time of the fifth of july. cancerous baby. youngest of three males from thou mother's eye. i have my father's gentleness, politeness, happiness, and sound. i have my mother's amusement, love, mindset, and care. i've developed my own characteristics as such. i believe in a balance between activism and passivism. my mind has developed an image of greatness. i feel failure is possible, but giving it your best makes you what you are. no one's perfect, yet do we try to be. before I go for now, JOSH is such a name i use to explore the artistic side of my brain. i love to write. some of it may not make sense, but it sure gives me a sense of direction in my life of love, anger, and miscellaneous. ciao bella.

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Words that don't make sense to those that don't use imagination. Imagination develops a story of limitless words of sense.