Six Months

The past six months have really been different.  I still enjoy watching sappy movies like Serendipity and Love Actually.  I still find myself playing video games, but not as often.  I will probably start up again when NHL13 comes out.  This year I will be once again starting the NHL13 season one week late again.  This time isn't because I'm on a work trip.  This time is because I'll be on an out of the country vacation.  I will be going to the Philippines for the first time.  

Flying from island to island is going to be like flying island to island in Alaska.  Speaking of Alaska, I've been here since Monday.  Places like Angoon and Hydaburg are only glimpses of how different these islands are different from those of my homeland.  Do I dare call it homeland since I've never considered the Philippines as home.  It is my background of my family and ethnicity.  Regardless, I hope to really enjoy this trip.  Although there for only two weeks, I will do my best to make the most of it.  

Within the last six months, I started playing ice hockey again.  It is a great feeling and keeps my mind off the stresses of life; not that I have many.  I also moved out of Milpitas and closer to the City.  We finally gave my mom her final resting place at the Columbarium.  The location is beautiful, soothing, and reflects every part of who she is.  Flowers, the ocean breeze, and space.  My brother sent me a picture of all the flowers around her space.  I miss her so much.  My life changed when she died.  

I still have memories of her dancing, smiling and all that good stuff.  Although happy times, my tears drop from my eyes and I remember that I'll never be able to hug her and tell her I love her and know for a fact that she's listening.  

She is always listening and watching over me, my brothers, my family, my Nana.  We miss you MOM!  

Happy...Mother's Day.

I was looking through the May schedule and noticed one of the hallmark holidays that I was going to think differently this year...Mother's Day.  My Nana is still there and will be celebrating with her in some way possible.  I still wish she was around physically so I could tell her how much I miss her and how much I could use her advice.  I wish she was still here.  :o(

Now I really can't sleep.

Massive Velocity

We make changes in life to grasp happiness.  Life builds barriers to make us contemplate on difficult decisions.  We walk each day wondering if we've discovered a new beginning, a new happiness, a new love.  
What happens when happiness turns into a state of panic.  You have no grasp of the situation, but you find that sitting back and trying your best to relax is just not good enough.  I've always been one to worry, but at the same time, I'm sure many people in my life have worried very dearly about me.  For instance, I've always sent my mom my itinerary for 99.5% of my flights.  Nevertheless, I always called her when I stepped into my hotel room sometimes 1-3 hours after landing.  I would imagine the sigh of relief when she heard my voice.  
I've always been one to call or text or email the one's I love to let them know that I'm OK.  I don't mind getting a spam of text messages or calls from them wondering where I'm at.  Who wouldn't want that!  What happens when I start worrying about someone.  My thoughts start to wonder.  Are you hurt?  Are you stranded?  How come I haven't received any notification?  These are the points in life where you don't take anything for granted and your heart starts to crush as the seconds and minutes go by without a word.  
This is my mortal flaw.  I care too much. (Thanks Mom <3)  And when the caring is taken for granted, it reduces. But magically appears the moment I receive a text or call.  What happens when that call or text never happens?
I get in the state of being unwanted.  The feeling where I don't matter anymore.  This really sucks.  Life revolves the way it does and it sure doesn't revolve around me.  You'll always find me asking you to call or text me when you get home.  But when I fall asleep worrying and wake up without any word, the worried feeling increases drastically.  I get restless.  I think it's time to relax and take things into my own hands.  I wish I felt this way for more people.  But its my heart that's running the show.  
I don't want to feel this way.  I don't like feeling this way.

I miss my mom.  I believe she watches over us every now and then.  Like the times when she would call me up or email just to ask how I'm doing.  The email she let build up is down to 500, starting at 6,000 emails that I began to sort not too long ago.  For someone late in the game, you would never imagine how many Facebook email notifications one person could have.  Did you know that if your Facebook wall recognizes that you've past away, they put leave it in a 'memorialized state', meaning that you could no longer log into the account.  If you never stated your close friends, it's nearly impossible to search for yourself.  Thanks Facebook for taking it upon yourselves to take away the privacy of someone who never notified you in the first place to FREEZE your own account.  No worries, my brother's and I don't need to jump into the account.  Just knowing the comments gives the satisfaction that you made a difference.

With all the happy memories that we enjoyed the past 2 months of her life, you can't forget the sad memories either.  I will never forget each day that we, her sons, were forced to medicate our mom so that she could live another day.  At first, it was easy, take this medication.  You will never imagine that taking medication, or PILLS, could be such a hassle.  Not just pills, but injections hurt me because if she wasn't doing it right, I have to correct.  Which after a week or so, we had to start giving her the injections.  I don't know why I'm saying all this, maybe someday someone will come across this entry and find that it helps them go through the exact situation.  We stayed strong for her so that she could be surrounded with the positive energy.  That energy adds life to those diagnosed as sick.

Now the over abundance of energy turns into scattered blobs of negative energy.  All that could be done is to live in their memory and know that everyday is another day that they are watching over you.

Oh my God!!!  


My reaction finding out that my uncle died earlier today from a heart attack.  This year is ending on a very bad note.  I don't know how to react, but I found the courage to call my aunt and let her know that I'm there if they need me.  This is so unbelievable.  I was told that my mom isn't as alone anymore.  Well, maybe my mom wanted more company.  Is that fair though?  


She was never a selfish person, so I'm just glad that she's no longer alone.  I always saw my uncle and her as best friends.  I felt guilty that I stole the oven roaster from him at this year's family white elephant.  But then again, it was like his last gift to me.  Am I to learn to how to make great turkey and pot roast?  It is a bit ridiculous, but I hope my family and I get through this struggle that we went through just weeks ago.  


I'll miss you.  Give my mom a hug for me.  


Now, let's get the angry side of my brain.


WHAT THE F@#$!!!!!!!!  Why is this happening to my family all at the same time.  First the cancer, now a possible heart attack.  I find out my friend has gout.  Growing up sucks balls!!!  What's the point.  I want to learn news, get sad, and let it go.  But that's not going to happen at this point in my life.  I live, learn, remember, and feel the sadness that a loved one is gone.  


Please 2012 be better.  

As Christmas Day went on, my emotional sadness started to fade with the interaction of my family.  My family is what matters.  Children do make a difference when you're feeling pretty low.  They have that ignorance, that sense of carelessness that they should feel.  There is definitely nothing wrong with knowing little.  Growing up for them is going to be tough, but let them be where they are now.  

I do teach the young-lings as much as I can.  Speech, right and wrong, grammar...those little things that will matter in their future.  I love the little ones.  I've been surrounded by kiddies for many years now.  I always get the "Oh, you're next."  I just smile and tell them not me.  I'm too much of a kid myself to have one of my own.  But, if it happens one day, of course I'll do the best I can.

Until then, I get to play video games, save money, buy presents for them, play softball, and do all the necessary stuff in life.   

Merry...Christmas?

Could I just say Christmas...I cried again last night hiding myself from the world.  As I laid in her bed, I realized that this Christmas is different.  It's a part of life that I didn't want to encounter just yet.  I know somewhere out there someone may be in the same situation as me because it doesn't feel like Christmas.

The other day I thought I felt that joyous feeling of His birth, don't get me wrong, I'm happy, I'm just sad. Sad that my mom isn't celebrating with us. Or she is as she looks down on my brothers, family, and her friends. Too bad Mom, I'm still sad that you're not here physically.

This was the constant day that I would always sleep at my mom's. Wake up to the sound of a warm heater making the chilly air turn toasty. I would wake up first but always find my mom taking my picture of us waking up. She would always just give a box of presents which I always accepted because it was from her. Writing this is just increasing my sadness, but also reminding me of the happy memories that she had when we were around.

So, I need to stop feeling sad and remember she is in a better place. Instead of suffering day after day. Maybe after all she beat cancer. It didn't take her spirit because she took it with her.

I hope everyone enjoys their Christmas while I struggle to find it.

Stronger Than You'd Think

I've helped take care of her for several weeks now and you could see the positive changes.  I can't tell if it's from us or because she's just a strong cookie.  She's definitely not ready to crumble and listens to our discussions even though she's relaxing in her chair.  Let me add, I fell asleep in her chair the other night and I was comfortable.

The doctor's appointment went as planned.  She whispered to me that we're late, even though it wasn't time yet.  Little did I know or refused to admit that being early to an appointment doesn't mean getting there on time.  The doctor didn't give us great news, but he did mention that she appears healthy.  She is still smiling, it just pains me to see her in certain situations.  Her strength and threshold toward pain amazes me.  She is a fighter.

The longer she is here, the more I believe that we could fight this.

Cancer Can't Conquer My Spirit

That's the phrase branded on my black and orange band/bracelet that I received last weekend.  I've been hesitant to distribute the bands.  I'm not sure how someone would take the unfortunate news that someone very close to me is diagnosed with cancer.  In reality, time goes on, for myself, I do go on, I do try and better my life.  But for now, it's all about her.  There isn't anything to urgent that would force me from being by her side.

I don't just cope with pain, I learn from it and hope that my words will help those who are in my position.  Don't give up, stick with them from the beginning.  Positive energy make a huge difference.  Sitting at the dining room table gives me that slight comfort and fresh memory that spending time is the best I could do.  Besides the fact that eating healthy, staying healthy, and constantly turning down her request to purchase a pack of cigarettes for her.  -sigh-

A couple of weeks ago, my uncle handed me some photos, and the one photo that stuck out was the one where she was lighting up a cigarette.  What if that was her last cigarette?  Would she still be where she is now...I doubt it.  That picture was taken in the 80's.  I'm getting sleepy here at work.  Maybe I should sleep more.

Because...

I'm not one to edit, modify, or even delete posts, but I feel it justified if I re-post with something over the existing.  I plan to go through my old posts and strikeout instead of delete.

Like a diary, I suppose you could simply tear out the page and trash the contents, never ever to see or read what was once written.  Deleting is the same way, I guess.

One year ago, I was grounded due to my mom's condition with cancer.  You should never be afraid of what is and what is to come.  We cannot control what happens, but we can control the decisions that we make.  I made the decision to be and care for my mom as much as physically possible until her room was ready in God's hotel.

We all find ourselves in a pickle when we are forced to make a decision.  In the end, we always make the right decision, depending on our priorities.  I was going to list my priorities, but if you don't it, then you don't know me at all.  Until next time, live...ok!?

Praying for mercy

Along with all that's been diagnosed, there's a lump in the upper/armpit area.  I pray to you God, give her strength to hold a little more before she enters your kingdom.

Finally home, but is it really?

Today, after four days in ICU, following eight more days in 6th floor patient rooms, we finally get to take her home, where nothing will ever be the same.  If I could count the number of times that I've held in my tears, the urge to just let it all out.  Now is not the time for that.  Today is for positive emotions and a fighting chance.

Driving home from the hospital appeared to be a step forward, but everything was awkward.  Her sitting in the passenger seat, which I really enjoyed seeing her feel the sunlight against her legs.  I told her in an excited way, "You're free!"  She smiled and just gave a sigh of relief and she breathed in that fresh air.  I took her down Geary, which turned out to be more of an obstacle, so I headed toward Fulton where we finally reached, I believe, to be her favorite place.  Her window was opened a bit more than a crack, then we turned onto Ocean Beach, her window rolled all the way down.  For that second, I knew taking the beach route would be beneficial.

Minutes later, my signal is interrupted because she wants to get her hair washed.  Weird request, but anything for her.  In her hospital gown and green sweatshirt, we head into barbershop/salon and wait 15 minutes.  This seemed like nothing after spending so much time in the hospital.  Another happy moment in the books.

Being home felt good, but I knew it wouldn't last.  With all the oxygen tanks and the auto-oxygen machine, my emotions started to go out of control.  Physically I'm there for her, but mentally, I'm a mess.  But I can't say much because she must be ten times what I'm feeling.  Later in the night, I'm worried because it is my duty as a responsible person to make sure that the medication is taken, via injection.  After several attempts to make it happen, she does the deed.  It isn't easy trying to do what I just did, but I love her and I need to put my foot down if I want to help prolong her life.

This is day one, she is in her room with her oxygen, hoping that she is using it.  I'm off to bed praying and wishing that things could just be the same.  Here's to the cure to cancer, may it be here sooner than later.

No travel...only waiting

I did get to travel last weekend and early last week.  Unfortunately, I found out some bad news about my mom's health.  I've been running into too many family issues the passed few years and realized that these issues are also my issues.  I've already run into problems with gout. 
It's a good idea that I lose the weight and stay fit.  My knees have been hurting lately.  The cause might be gout related, or from all the walking in NYC, or from all the stress these days.

I pray we hear good news today.  If you're out there, please send my mom a prayer of health and healing.

I hate gout

Being able to control the discomfort during a gout attack is satisfying. Hello, I've suffered with gout for 9 years, and I'm only 31 years old. For the first 5 years, I was unaware of this disease.

When in May 2007, my co-worker and I were heading toward the supermarket in Klawock, Alaska. I noticed him limping like how I would, so I asked him what the deal was. He explained that he had a case of gout. After this trip, or sometime after, I got gout and decided to take the pain to a doctor. I say a doctor because I was in the process of switching from Kaiser to Blue Shield. I found a suitable doctor and there I found out that my blood tests came back high in uric acid. In simple terms, high uric acid means gout.

(See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gout for more information)

I've always been a fan of red meat, and shell fish. For some odd reason, my existing gout attack was triggered by high concentrations of sodium. It is probably the fact that I've been eating bigger portions of food that contain high salt intake. A week ago, I was working out, running, and trying to stay fit. Once gout happens, all that just goes away because I can't move. Let me explain to you what I feel.

Gout...

...hinders me from walking a normal walking pace.

...irritates my emotions, making me more likely to snap.

...increases my blood pressure.

...keeps me from being the active, sport-like person that I am.

...causes me to complain a lot more than usual.

...takes control and forces me to want to cut off my foot.

...loses sleep. I will wake up early in the morning feeling the extreme pain in my toe because the pain reliever dissolved from my system.

...reminds me that I need to eat better.

...tells my body to trigger my brain to change my diet.

This is only some of things I go through when I get a gout attack. More later...maybe.

We visited the state capitol today and finally made a visit to donnell's new place. As we were about to venture out into the world (or I-80), I found myself browsing my blog. I read a lot of my old stuff and for reason I want to edit my old thoughts. Would I do such a thing...

My life has barely changed besides the fact that everyone is getting older, the value of living is still difficult

Why we write...why we blog? We blog because we want what's on our mind to be expressed through words and sentences. Tonight, my mind is in an unfamiliar place. Not as familiar as what I thought I was in the near past with my uncle/cousin. Today, I decided to put all emotions to the side and take a lone visit to my g-ma. It was completely heartbreaking to be there, but I knew that being there helps a little bit...right? Sigh.

So I was cleaning my room attempting to occupy my mind, then my eyes started to get fairly warm, then my emotions just took control. For anyone out there who is going through a loved one's struggle, my prayers are with them. In return, please pray for my G-ma that she finds the strength to get healthy. Thank you.

I'm a constant failure. I never do things right, even when I think I do. People tell me more everyday that life is a struggle. That's a correct statement if I ever heard one. Before, I struggled to get ahead. I could believe that I made it to where I am because I struggled and dealt with the hardships in life. I can't tell someone that life is going to be easy. With how things are today, life won't be easy for a very long time. Even I'm beginning to lose hope. I may out of a job soon. When I worry about myself, I tend to lose focus on the world around me. I thought I could tend to the cares of those around me. I can't. Not when I'm beginning to struggle. My future is today. It is hard to think ahead because there's too much at stake right now.

Who cares about tomorrow? I went through a medical insurance meeting today at work and realized that I could die at any time. I could get badly injured. Every flight I take, my expectation is that it'll go down in blazing glory. What a way to die...sitting in fear with people you don't even know. If I had a chance to call someone, I would probably call no one. Not like I'd have a chance to make the call anyway. I don't fear flying regardless of how I think. It helps to just sleep through flights so I don't have to think about it. Who cares about today? I go through my life hoping my day will be better than the last. It never is. My way of thinking is too free and pretty naive. If a challenge approaches, i have the choice to take it on or step aside and wait for the next one. If I make a mistake, learn from it and make sure it don't happen again. I receive "memos" that go out to everyone at work that are usually pointed directly at me.

I don't hate my life. Its all I got.

I think it's time to re-organize my life and see things the way they are...or the way they aren't. But on the other hand, the things in life are there for a reason. No more ice hockey...for now, and I just bought a new pair of ice skates. I will play again. Work isn't going anywhere, but up. Then why am I still on the first floor. Because heights make me dizzy.

So, Saturday was one of my lonely days where no one was around, I found myself isolated within my so-called sanctuary of a home. Spent many wasted hours in front of my tv playing NHL 10, where I could have been doing something much more meaningful. I was depressed and lacked comfort. Things are changing around me, but I'm staying put. While showering I did think of suicide just for kicks of finding myself swimming aimlessly inside my tub. But wait, no one's even around. I'd probably be all wrinkly before I was discovered. So, that thought left my mind and decided to drop some Benadryl because my hives were pretty bad. Within minutes, not realizing that I just took some drowsy medicine, jumped into my car and drove home to good 'ol SF.

As I passed 92 off of 101N, I am literally on my last thread of being awake. I even thought that I would run myself off the road because I would fall asleep. Luckily for me, I was safely in the driveway, napping for a good 5-10 minutes before going inside.

So, now I am here today, gracing my tendencies and my complaints with my life. Maybe my blood test will come back good. Are doctors supposed to give you bad news? So depressing waiting for what could change my life.

The fact that people make mistakes is inevitable, yet there is another brand of people who spread the fact that you've made the mistake. Is it a natural tendency to take out the legs of those who have felt the shame of failing their peers? Or is it what that person deserves for making such a mistake that more emotional abuse is warranted? I don't know, it just bothers me that yes, I feel the shame inside for letting my peers down, but for something as little as that. Grow up. Not even grow up, realize that mistakes are made and move on.

I've made too many mistakes in my life to repeat any of those mishaps. This is simply something too stupid and minor that I should even care, but I do.

LMF - Luck My Fife!

hello again!

It comes to my attention that 3+ years ago, I was turning 30.  Yes, I turned 30 in 2009 and don't even remember what I did.  Maybe it just doesn't matter anymore.  Life goes on.  This entry was modified on 9/19/2012.  Happy Birthday Paulo C.