We visited the state capitol today and finally made a visit to donnell's new place. As we were about to venture out into the world (or I-80), I found myself browsing my blog. I read a lot of my old stuff and for reason I want to edit my old thoughts. Would I do such a thing...

My life has barely changed besides the fact that everyone is getting older, the value of living is still difficult

Why we write...why we blog? We blog because we want what's on our mind to be expressed through words and sentences. Tonight, my mind is in an unfamiliar place. Not as familiar as what I thought I was in the near past with my uncle/cousin. Today, I decided to put all emotions to the side and take a lone visit to my g-ma. It was completely heartbreaking to be there, but I knew that being there helps a little bit...right? Sigh.

So I was cleaning my room attempting to occupy my mind, then my eyes started to get fairly warm, then my emotions just took control. For anyone out there who is going through a loved one's struggle, my prayers are with them. In return, please pray for my G-ma that she finds the strength to get healthy. Thank you.

I'm a constant failure. I never do things right, even when I think I do. People tell me more everyday that life is a struggle. That's a correct statement if I ever heard one. Before, I struggled to get ahead. I could believe that I made it to where I am because I struggled and dealt with the hardships in life. I can't tell someone that life is going to be easy. With how things are today, life won't be easy for a very long time. Even I'm beginning to lose hope. I may out of a job soon. When I worry about myself, I tend to lose focus on the world around me. I thought I could tend to the cares of those around me. I can't. Not when I'm beginning to struggle. My future is today. It is hard to think ahead because there's too much at stake right now.

Who cares about tomorrow? I went through a medical insurance meeting today at work and realized that I could die at any time. I could get badly injured. Every flight I take, my expectation is that it'll go down in blazing glory. What a way to die...sitting in fear with people you don't even know. If I had a chance to call someone, I would probably call no one. Not like I'd have a chance to make the call anyway. I don't fear flying regardless of how I think. It helps to just sleep through flights so I don't have to think about it. Who cares about today? I go through my life hoping my day will be better than the last. It never is. My way of thinking is too free and pretty naive. If a challenge approaches, i have the choice to take it on or step aside and wait for the next one. If I make a mistake, learn from it and make sure it don't happen again. I receive "memos" that go out to everyone at work that are usually pointed directly at me.

I don't hate my life. Its all I got.

I think it's time to re-organize my life and see things the way they are...or the way they aren't. But on the other hand, the things in life are there for a reason. No more ice hockey...for now, and I just bought a new pair of ice skates. I will play again. Work isn't going anywhere, but up. Then why am I still on the first floor. Because heights make me dizzy.

So, Saturday was one of my lonely days where no one was around, I found myself isolated within my so-called sanctuary of a home. Spent many wasted hours in front of my tv playing NHL 10, where I could have been doing something much more meaningful. I was depressed and lacked comfort. Things are changing around me, but I'm staying put. While showering I did think of suicide just for kicks of finding myself swimming aimlessly inside my tub. But wait, no one's even around. I'd probably be all wrinkly before I was discovered. So, that thought left my mind and decided to drop some Benadryl because my hives were pretty bad. Within minutes, not realizing that I just took some drowsy medicine, jumped into my car and drove home to good 'ol SF.

As I passed 92 off of 101N, I am literally on my last thread of being awake. I even thought that I would run myself off the road because I would fall asleep. Luckily for me, I was safely in the driveway, napping for a good 5-10 minutes before going inside.

So, now I am here today, gracing my tendencies and my complaints with my life. Maybe my blood test will come back good. Are doctors supposed to give you bad news? So depressing waiting for what could change my life.

The fact that people make mistakes is inevitable, yet there is another brand of people who spread the fact that you've made the mistake. Is it a natural tendency to take out the legs of those who have felt the shame of failing their peers? Or is it what that person deserves for making such a mistake that more emotional abuse is warranted? I don't know, it just bothers me that yes, I feel the shame inside for letting my peers down, but for something as little as that. Grow up. Not even grow up, realize that mistakes are made and move on.

I've made too many mistakes in my life to repeat any of those mishaps. This is simply something too stupid and minor that I should even care, but I do.

LMF - Luck My Fife!

hello again!

It comes to my attention that 3+ years ago, I was turning 30.  Yes, I turned 30 in 2009 and don't even remember what I did.  Maybe it just doesn't matter anymore.  Life goes on.  This entry was modified on 9/19/2012.  Happy Birthday Paulo C.

I CAN'T SLEEP!!!!!!!

I've decided to change my new blog site to "Traveling Insomniac" because that's what I am. I just can't sleep when needed when I'm traveling. It's because I try my hardest to stay awake and I usually catch myself asleep, I wake up and end up paying for it like how it is now. The heater is on again, my eyelids are heavy, but when I close my eyes, they want to stay open. It hurts to keep my eyes open and closed. I'm not even in a different time zone. I'm in the same one as home. I was able to sleep early yesterday, in my own bed.

Maybe my mind is filled with too many thoughts and that's why I can't sleep comfortably. But I never can sleep comfortably when I'm on work trips. Argh! This sucks and I wish it were easier.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a hardworker. I take challenges and tasks no matter how difficult the level. Especially at work where I feel the most pressure, my brain power exceeds it's capacity. How does someone know when they're working hard, otherwise, hardly working? There is no way to read someone else's struggle, so work don't worry about it.

I've been watching this movie My Big Love while I've been writing. According to the amount of writing, I've been paying too much attention to the movie. It involves an obese gentleman "Macky" (like myself + 1/2) who involves himself with a well-known lady. On their blind date, he embarrasses the both of them. He finds himself eating more, leaves his job, and begins to feel like there is no where else to go. Prior to the date, Aira, ...oh geez. Fast forward, Macky loses the pounds and has a fit body. Aira goes away to Japan, and Macky goes away somewhere else. So, just when you think he's with Aira in the second half, he's with Nina, the girl who didn't like the fat him. That's it for now because the move has 15 more minutes.

OMG, he's even living with Nina. Sorry, SPOILERS!!!!

My question, why isn't he with Aira? We shall see.

Sure, let's post. Since I'm here, let's update. I've been with
.com for over 2 years now and I'm no where close to my full potential. Am I close to it? Probably not because there's so much more to learn. From product to experience to marketing to execution. We all have our goals, we all have our aspirations, we must just put our foot forward no matter how we feel, how scared, how fearful, how the emotions stir inside our boiling bodies. You need to start somewhere, and that some place is right in front of you, about 12-18 inches in front of your nose. Dive in, leap in, crawl in...as long as you get in.

What else?

For those that may not know, I was in a relationship for 6 years...24 months of bliss, but 48 months of heart ache, stress, hate, yelling, and mostly regret. I never wanted this feeling to end, but was too naive to see that what I wanted and what she wanted were too different. Especially with her, my special favorite someone.  She hearts me as much as I heart her.  There's so much growth, so much time, but I won't take any of it for granted. It is all I want.

What else?

For those that may not know, I have three new roommates where each of us is completely different in our own way. We have:

Roommate 1: least experience living away from the parents, but has amazing responsibility in the household. He seems to enjoy sitting around the house as much as I do, but when the chance to step outside the door, off he goes taking the world in one hand and using the other to drive drive drive.

Roommate 2: mucho experience living away from home. Kind of has the same mentality with living with family...just not possible, not at my age, now that we've done it for so many years. He enjoys cooking just as much as watching people cook. He's always open for new things; hence, video games. He never accepts where he is at because he believes there's always better...and there is.

Roommate 3: this guy owned his own home one point in his life. With all the furnishings of a house, he gives the ability to add something different, something more than just a new face. A blessing if you come to think of it as making a decision off a simple conversation. Thinks twice before jumping into things, but seems to take risks.

Roommate 4: enjoys seeing people run in and out the door, but doesn't seem to mind opening and closing the door for them. Watches over the village with a glass of juice in one hand and a chicken wing in the other. Not much of a night life, but day life seems pretty outgoing.

These are my four roommates, including me. Well, Socom 4 is coming out on Playstation 3, which means so much to some people. I just hate how I have enthusiasm for a single longer than most people. I guess.

I hate overdrafts. I would blame myself for my lack of balance when saving a purchasing, but come on. I check my accounts online everyday, multiple times. There was a tool a couple of weeks ago that marked pending purchases, so then I was sure that I wasn't going to be flagged with overdraft charges. But guess what, they never put them down. What the hell. This pisses me off. I mean, I'm big on saving, but how could I save if I'm not well-informed with my account. I guess this is where we as consumers get ripped off by banks.

Lesson to be learned is to just keep track again. It is such a hassle, especially when it is an overdraft for less than two dollars. I might as well just cash my checks and save the money myself. I don't get any special treatment from my bank(s), but I'm upset and high-tempered right now. This is stupid! Whatever. It happens. Maybe it's time to go to a real bank.

Traveling comes with excitement and disappointment. Not only on my position, but on the emotions of those who care. I'm currently at Virginia Beach. Let's begin with the weather. Last Sunday night, I marked the weather at 77 degrees on the weather website. At this point, I was in awesome-ville. In Atlanta, the weather clocked at 95 degrees, which would completely change when I get to Virginia. Could you believe that tropical weather is very unexpected. During the 3 of this 4 day trip, the weather is hitting near triple digits. Nearing the end of this 3rd day, why are there hurricane/storm warnings and people being asked to stay out of the outdoor AND indoor pool. Pretty crazy to experience a complete weather change. This is something we as Californians don't experience. Now, with my curtains open a bit, I see lightning, or as they call it, flash floods. Wow! About 10 ambulances and firetrucks to and from dinner. Geez! For the time being, it is a bit calm, but I'm leaving tomorrow, please let me head home.

It's been so many days since I saw my favorite. I miss her. I want to surround my arms around her and show her how much my heart adores her. Missing you makes me feel more compassion for you. But being away makes it hurt a little more. I can't wait to see you. I love you.

My trip ends tomorrow, only to look forward to another trip in the near future. Sigh, it's fun, but not that fun.

Less than 2 weeks 'til my 29th birthday. For those of you who don't know, I will be celebrating my 29th year in the bleachers of AT&T Park in San Francisco, California. The Giants will be facing their rival from California's southern area, the Dodgers. I think there are more people going this year compared to 2005's game. Some old faces, some new faces. Hopefully Fred Lewis plays because I know he could hit into the center bleachers.

Anyway, I'm sleepy at work. I wish I was home sleeping in my bed. More later, I'm going for a walk.

Yes, I believe I go crazy thinking about it every day/night. Slowly it creeps up and taps me on the shoulder, and suddenly my body freezes. My hands shake knowing that these outcomes will end up with nothing. I go blank and want to run away. The ankle brace that once was is now worn out and not needed, more so not noticed. Or could my ability to hold up my legs are no longer available? Heart tightens, the back of my eye sockets become drenched with fluid that seizes to push through. i don't know what to do anymore. And when I don't know what to do, I ask questions, stupid and random questions. I start to ramble on the same way I'm doing now. I have not written in a while, so I'm hoping no one reads this mess. I'm a mess. My ear hurts when it shouldn't.

Waiting and descending into nothing. Do what you must, and by the sides of your arms I will be, even if not the same way we hoped it would be. At my desk, my hands shake, I fight myself from releasing water into my eyes. My emotions are focused on one thing and I wish things were so much better. It's amazing what an email, what words could do to someone when I read over and over again. Do people really struggle to keep something going? How much must someone fight before they call it quits? Well, there have been many times when I'll be playing sports, school, and other means of pushing for something, but I've never quit. To keep the sanity of both minds, it's NOT becoming more and more of an option, unless the handle bars are worth the tightening. I've managed to keep myself happy for the most part, but really wish I could hand my happiness, strength, confidence, motivation to those who better deserve it.

Bottomline, after much thought, I am support, whenever it is needed.

As I type, I look down at the surface of my left hand and see writing that was put there by my special someone. It is the little things, as well as the big things, that keep my mind on the one I care about the most. She makes me worry when I know I shouldn't. She wrote on my hand yesterday and even though I've washed my hands and showered and what not, it is still there. It was one of those permanent pens which hurt a little when she was pushing the pen into my hand.

It is that feeling that tightens up inside and the only remedy is her. When I say I miss her, I do. When someone other than her asks about her, I think about her even more. Maybe that's why I'm so exhausted; I'm busy thinking of her. She's my squeezable teddy bear.

My body is tired, my mind is exhausted, and the feeling of coldness embodies my surroundings. Realizing what I did yesterday, I know why I am feeing this way. For the first part, my haircut with a #1 on the sides is the source of the cold feeling. And since my running shoes haven't gotten a real workout, running was my choice yesterday, as well as the minor softball practice we encountered. It felt good to go running/jogging/walking. Not good like I enjoy the pain good, but the fact that I haven't been on my feet because I've been exercising my mind with Call of Duty. Which leads to the fact that my mind just needs a break from video games. Hard to believe, but instead of just giving it up, I've taken on the role of parent and given myself a time limit.

Sunday thru Thursday
If I don't start playing by 10pm, no playing until the next evening.
If I start before 10pm, the game I'm on by 1130pm is my last.

Friday & Saturday
No starting limit, but must be off by 2am.

Reason for these restrictions is because I'm always tired at work, and this is after a week back from Japan. I thought it was the time getting used to...no, it was my late playing with the people. And it doesn't help that the new variety maps came out. I need to draw the line somewhere, it's the only way to progress and be productive at work. Anyway, Smash softball tournament is coming up. Is the team ready? Probably not, but let's have fun out there.

Am I meant to live a prolonged life where the natural life cycle is bound to happen later in my life. With the 30th anniversary of my being right around the corner, should I be aware that I'm not getting married and having kids like the rest of those of age are doing. Probably not. Once again, I look to where my siblings are with their life and they seem happy. Don't get me wrong, happiness is spread all over my life. With work experiences increasing, my health isn't par, but I'm still standing, and the fact that I have a very special and important person in my life, isn't that what matters really. Speaking rhetorical, I'm ready for what God obstacles my path. Also looking at the age of my dear father, he was but a year older than myself when he had his first child, and 20+ years later, he is fathering another son, who I cherish. My dad is my hero because he CAN do anything. He is what I want to be, but at the same time, better than to make him proud. Besides that, my life is wondering road that I think about everyday. Am I making the right decision? No one could answer their own questions when asked of this, and there are no wrong decisions, unless it's immoral. Push forward with your goals, thoughts, or boulders. Never give up...even if sacrificing the right things. Always think before pushing though. Joey? Stop talking to yourself...knucklehead.

Hello folks,

I recently went to Japan to do an installation at Misawa AB. The trip went as planned, with a few hiccups here and there, but it went smoothly. As for the sightseeings aspect, it was more than I had expected. From trying to read which subway to get on. Wait, back up. We had trouble trying to purchase the correct ticket. Me being out of America for the first time since my Mexico trip more than a decade ago, I was completely overwhelmed. As a domestic traveler of the US, this was just completely different. I'm used to reading location and subway maps with such ease, but I was baffled and I literally had a question mark over my head. It is a learning curve that was strictly straight for the whole duration of the trip. We didn't rent a car on this trip, which was lucky for us. The steering wheel was on the passenger side and the streets were opposite. So, I say lucky because I would've crashed into many cars. I sat in the "passenger" seat which made my perception of on-coming cars seem more closer than what they truly were. And grabbing the steering wheel wouldn't be a good idea. What else? The cars are squished. Not all the cars, but the cars, as well as the food, are smaller portions. With cars being narrow, the streets compensated for the smaller streets. No stop signs!!!! Well, the stop signs were all yield signs...I think.

I did get homesick and wanted to be home when I was first in Tokyo. As you get used to being a foreigner, you just need to ask around for someone who speaks even a bit of English. Even ordering food was difficult. So, to help, just point. Most likely, the server speaks English. There was an incident where we pointed at the picture and the server started speaking English...I'm a dumb foreigner. I was homesick because I missed Cami. I admit, she makes me stronger when it comes to strange and unusual things. Back to my trip, I swear, they show like game shows around the clock. We actually ran into an area of Akasaka where a game show was happening. All was cool. The trip had many experiences, which I hope I will be able to explain more in the second half.

As well as I'm here, I might as well update. First off, I'm here because I was trying to include my imeem playlist on my blog, but that was a quick and failed experiment. Reason is because it only plays 30 seconds, like it does if you're not an imeem user. I was introduced to imeem by Camille a couple of weeks back. Ever since then, I've managed to include 20 songs on my playlist. It's fun. I now have a place to store and listen music that I want to listen to. And it's easy.

So far, 2008 has brought a lot of emotion. Things that make you think about who you are, who I want to be, and who I want to give myself to. We've come this far, I'm not going to quit now. You are worth my time.

The San Jose Sharks are on a roll...an amazing roll of 10-0-0. Wootooo;laskj;ailjescisne;ilfn39rj[30q29j93920jfwla.

I went to Disneyland at the beginning of this month. Twas fun, wish CAStles was with me. ³halb.

I love her everything. And no one could take that away.

Massive brainfart, it's not even funny.

First, in light of the loving season, here is my response to my friend's away message which stated, "If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" Here we go, I IM'd her:

love is blind because people don't see it as love anymore, they mistake it for lust. some couples will ridicule the "i love you" saying when they really should be saying "i lust you".

I'll accept any reactions to this response, just email me at joshgumbi@sbcglobal.net

Anyway, with that out of the way, I may continue with that after I release my opinions on Macitosh Vs. Windows.

Being bombarded with Macbooks where ever I go, you think I would jump on the wagon and get myself a nice, black-covered Macbook with all the trimmings of a great designer or producer...or whatever you could possibly put Windows to shame with. The great design, the flexible, the weight, and the fact that errors are a thing of the past seem to coat this technology with what computer user's want and need. OH HELL YES! But wait, I weep and find myself a certain so many dollars thinner because I spent money on what I didn't really need to get. If it isn't broken, don't fix it. Yes, believe that way, but...YES, there is a but...if you broke it, you shouldn't be using it.

Noticing from even my work environment, computer user's are very impatient, unless your Mr. Slowski from the Comcast commercial. I admit, I'm a bit impatient sometimes when I find myself waiting for a certain Windows box to close because it no longer wishes to do what I want it to. But in time, software will develop bugs that come from your constant clicking of keyboard keys or right-clicking the mouse button. All I say is..."GEEZ, relax." Everytime you see the (Not Responding) in the Title bar of your application, usually Firefox, it is just thinking still. If you don't want to wait, restart your computer. By the way, if you find yourself waiting for your Windows computer to stop thinking, YOU PUT TOO MUCH SOFTWARE or JUNK on it. In this world, there's unlimited hard drive space, TRUE, but damn, you have no idea what RAM is, so you neglect the fact that the RAM can't take all your impatience. Guess what, your PC is fighting with you because you've fed it so much, it wants to recycle all it's contents.

You're in luck, PCs and Macs have bestfriends. They're called EXTERNAL HDs. Use them and abuse them, they don't care. PC users, the solution to your computer woes is not spending so much money and buying a Mac. Unless you're using Windows PCs, such as Toshiba, Compaq, Gateway laptops, from my experience, these brands are worth crap in the long run. It's made so you need to buy a new laptop every couple of years. Macbooks, from what I see, damn, the battery is like non-existent. It's like the macbook is powered by the electrons in the air. My point is, the battery does not deteriorate. True with that fact, but what about the business laptops that go flying around the world. Probably hard to prove my point because no one I know uses a Macbook for business trips. Here's a chart:

	PC	Mac
School Art Engineering Business Computer Science Nursing	X X X X	X X X
Gaming	X
Email	X	X
SOHO(network)	X	X
Videography Music Producing		X X
Designing		X

So, as you could see, if you're more on the non-technical side of software, feel free to use a Mac. As for free-lance software developers, from reading other articles, Apple seizes the use of developing your own software applications. I could be completely wrong.

In conclusion, would I buy an Apple computer in the near future, I'm still on the No side. Why? Because it's not necessary. It's like me buying an Xbox 360. Was it necessary? Sort of. If I wanted to play Halo 3 at home or Call of Duty 4 at home, then yes, it's necessary. It's a great investment that I use daily. Would I use my Macbook daily, not likely because I'm satisfied with my HP 7250 desktop computer with Video Media technology.

To all my Apple user friends, Paulo, Gerstein, Donnell, Camille, Alexis, Alan, Chris...I have so many resources of using a Macbook, so why buy my own.

Sitting in my hotel room could really get me back into my blog. While watching Everybody Loves Raymond, the episode started with Raymond and Debra eating out for Valentine's Day. The only conversation they could think of is talking about the kids, about what's in front of them (or butter), or about another couple. Where am I going with this?

What happens when there's nothing else to talk about? Is the presence alone good enough? In the show, it came to the conclusion that the silent presence of someone special means comfort, security, and sheer love that makes what once was awkward silence...a connection of love. Now you ask, what is love? Don't ask, I cannot give you your definition of love. I have mine, you have your own. It is better to keep your own ideas and opinions on this subject. People will ridicule your thoughts about this subject. It's not worth the debate. Leave the "back and forth" to politics or subjects that are more concrete.

Next time you sit with your significant other, look into his or her eyes. Do you still get that feeling in your stomach that forces you to smile and brings your lips to kiss theirs. I do. But instead of a kiss, I get a finger attempted to go into my anus. No, I don't like that. Geez. But yes, eye contact still puts the smile on my face.