Gettin' Some Love

The secretive support is there. It's not out there, but stop, I must remember why it is the way it is. I know what to do. And it'll all start now.

ps. Make it your way, right away.

Have You Ever...

Tonight, I think my emotions got the best of me. I just kept going. Becoming irritant, causing frustration, expecting something that I shouldn't expect. I've become very aggressive and more assertive. Although, I've found someone that was more like the old me; conservative, attentive to emotions, and funfilled. I don't know what I'm doing. I've become verbally abusive with people, and I'm not liking this part of me. If anyone happens to fall into this part of me, I'm sorry. Let's hope this doesn't occur.

I don't know, was I wrong with what happened? It seems as if I'm looking for justification. If her feelings for me tend to stray away, I don't blame her, I blame myself. How am I constantly supposed to remind myself of the situation. Do I write a note on the refrigerator? Must I send myself reminders? You can't expect me to not think of you the way I do when you treat me the way you do. But, remembering that there's a grace period is well put in its place.

I guess my feelings just needed to be out there. You have to understand...I HAVE ISSUES. Internally and externally. I am human.

brb. I'm going to go hang myself.

For What It's Worth

I don't know what it's worth. There is no amount on what could or may happen in the future. The emotions are getting the better and I'm not able to control the comedic tendencies that overcome. I've learned something important about my personality yesterday. I admit that my verbal thoughts can really hurt people. The guilt behind my words makes me realize that deep down inside, I am evil. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like the omen evil, but I don't see the reasons behind what I say.

Accept someone for who they are, what they say, but at all cost, don't let them step all over you. The greatest part about communication is the ability to say it or suppress it. I stopped suppressing. I've learned where that road can lead to. So, what I ask in return is giving me the whole truth. I can't seem to relinquish the awkward silence, the hang ups, the fact that you put me in this situation. It pulls me down and reminds me that I'm human. I am human. I can't be the perfect person. Cherish my well-being or run it over. Grasp the moments and let the pain melt away. I can't seem to imagine my life without you in my arms. Friendship just doesn't cut it this time. You were meant to be by my side. Until that day, I lay afloat the waters of time, doomed to drown if left too long in the water.

It's been 4-months since I moved back to San Jose. The living situation isn't that bad. My mode of transportation is lacking though. Rollerblading just doesn't cut it anymore. But for now, a new full size house is what I'm looking for. And in the process, I have a few other's interested. Which reminds me, I'm going to give this one place a call to set up an appointment, even though I called them yesterday.

Brb.

When you think of time when you thought something was going to happen because deep down inside you hoped it would happen, and then suddenly it doesn't happen. Crazy way of thinking but this is who I am.

I really thought a knock was going to happen at my door. A surprise would have been very sweet. You didn't answer your messages or your phone for almost an hour. After thirty minutes I started to worry because it doesn't take you more than half an hour. I waited for something that I wanted to happen. Crazy way of thinking but this is what I would've done.

It's starting to get hot, and waiting for a friend to pick me up to go eat is becoming less than likely. I don't know. I hate my days off when you're not around, everything just seems so blah. I really thought you'd surprise me. Well, someday you will, and it will be great, as great as you.

Brb.

Reading Minds

Yesterday, there came a point where our eyes met as if we were the only two in the room. What went through my mind was, read me, look deep down inside, and tell me what I'm thinking. As we cherish the world that's been given to us, I look into your mind and tell you everything what is on my mind. That evening, you read my mind. You did what any guy would want a girl would want them to do, that would simply be look back. But you did a little extra, you saw what I saw. And then you read my mind and followed me. The world can be awkward, but there are times when the blur turns clear. I cherish every moment because what you do is what makes me happy.

Congratulations to the Akbayan of SJSU Pil-Grad Graduates. The world is now yours to conquer. May your path be an obstacle, yet possible.

Woot woot again!

Today was an interesting day at work. Before I get into that, let's define customer service. I've soft touched the surface of servicing customers with polite gestures, smiles, and constant attention. What the customer needs, that's what I'll give them. There's no sales pitch to make them buy more (well, not all the time, I'm sales, what do you expect), I don't necessarily upsell the customer to spend a few extra dollars on something that they don't need, I simply listen and respond in a correct manner. Blah blah blah. Chit chat chit chat. On occasion, I'll make small talk with customers in any mood I'm in.

Anyway, on topic, I've encountered two customers that have found my services astonishing. What can you expect from me, kindness, courtesy, and a friendly service! By the conclusion of the sale, I've received and handed out my business card to meet and greet with their HR person. Interesting yes. But career wise, makes me wonder.

As for other stuff, my 11th PCN passed. I QUIT. I am done. But I recently was told that they'd pay me, but dude, Akbayan is my family, I wouldn't want them to pay me. I just want to say I'm done. If they didn't find teachers already, shame on you. FYI, there's Hiyas, Likha, Barangay, and many other resources to go to. Use them.

As for other other stuff, I care, but when we get into little spasms, I feel it pulls us apart, as well as pushes us together. I guess you can say it as testing the others limits, but it all just depends what's being communicated. I don't want to make you feel sad or upset. I want you to smile. I want you to laugh with me. I want to rebuild what I cannot control.

note: Heart you.

Woot woot

There are many reasons why I am happy, yet you need to go through obstacles to reach this feeling. I was feeling intoxicated this evening. I don't want to lose your trust because I know that there's something out there. Welp! The San Jose Sharks go to the 2nd Round!!! Woot woot!!!

This is Joey being who he is.
I miss you.

note: Who's next?

It's About Time...

...you woke up. Unfortunately it wasn't me that woke you up. Yes, I was bored. I tried to sleep, but it was just too hot. Anyway, I'll see you in a second. I missed you though.

Why am I the type that has developed this addiction for attention? I don't know why. Maybe because that's what I've been getting lately. Now I know why you always wake me up when I'm falling asleep, so you're not lonely. When the person you yearn for is right next to you, but they're in another world, (ie. sleeping) that's when I miss you the most. That's when I feel the most lonely. So...

This is definitely the last PCN I teach. I made a pact. So hopefully my opposite takes it as seriously as I do. Anyway.

note: Paintballs cool!!!

Happy Birthday to Aris. Sorry I couldn't be there. Righteous birthday wishes.

Upsetting

Name this movie quote:
Girl: Do you like giving me attention?
Guy: Yes. I've chosen you. And you're accepting.
Girl: I heart you.



Errr...I don't know how to feel. I was being open and put into a category I thought I would never be in. I guess it is just one of those reactions that I didn't think would ever occur. Am I one of those guys? I would never think.

For instance, my past has always haunted me with future misfortunes. I told you something that I never thought I could answer. But after thinking about it, I realized it was a truth that had to be admitted. It started, it ended. I cannot explain. It's just what it is. Take me for who I am, not for what was scarred.

note: I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE GUYS.

Waiting

I'm waiting. I have no work tomorrow and I'm lazy and bored. Why did you have to leave? It would be so nice if you stayed a little bit longer. But everytime I wait, I assume the assumption. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I try to void the feelings that overcome. So, I might as well make my way to the Condo. Ignore and suppress the feeling because that's what you know best.

On the other hand, I have all these attached feelings that I shouldn't be having. Or should I accept what I'm receiving, which is a great friend and great someone of every friendly aspect. Love you.

Support Appreciated

For those of you who keep telling you want to see me play ice hockey, here you go:

#75
Icemen vs. Blizzard
1st Round Playoff Game
430pm //that's why I'm taking off work early.
Logitech Ice Arena
10th Street *South Campus

I'm unsure which rink, but just look for the Icemen name on the board in the main rink area. Near the registers.

Love you all. It'd be great if you can come support. Thanks
BEST YET...It's FREE.

I...

I was lonely.
I was waiting for someone for so long.
I realized that she really wasn't right.
I needed a good reason to let it go.
I didn't need a reason.
I just needed to let go.
I talked about my craziness.
I found no reason to grasp for any longer.
I let go.
I no longer have feelings that tormented me.
I started to believe in serendipity.
I found that it wasn't happening.
I reached out.
I found a hand that fit mine.
I realized my hand didn't fit hers.
I ignored the impossibilities.
I determined the "meant to be" situation.
I stepped back, she followed.
I want to let go.
I need to hold her.
I want to let go.
I need to let go.
I want to be bad.
I need to let go.
I need to let go.
Let me go. Believe in fortunate accidents.

I like you.

News!

Today is seems so emotional, yet eager. Eager to figure out the truth is worth anything. No matter what the situation, I'll still be there for you. When I said I hope history doesn't repeat itself, I hope you knew what I meant. For the reader's out there, I'm just speaking of an interest that has jumped into my life. Crazy how it happened. It just did. It was there a year ago, but I ignored it. Because my feelings were too strong for another. Plus, a year ago, I was confused to the max. I feel my grammar is far frome clear. For now, I'm just a little nervous, scared, and concerned that my friend doesn't get hurt. We all get hurt. But it takes great emotional, pure happiness to feel pain. So, don't forget, everything has an opposite effect.

note: Gosh, my hair is long.

How Feelings Show

6th Day - Forever Starts Today

Girl, wipe away the tears
Over these mountain hills
Is an ocean of love
And we'll sail forever
With the winds that showed us how to fall
Into a state of mind we’ve never known
Oh love, What should I do love?

Oh girl
Don't look the other way
I'm smiling at your face
No need to search for love
Cuz I'll be here to take your doubts away
Don't put this love to waste
Don't let it slip away
Don’t let it kill our faith
So just gather the pain, throw it away

Girl, if you look back in time
With every picture frame you'll find
There's a vision of what our love could be
Where we could fulfill a legacy of love
And every fairy tale that has a happy ending

Oh girl, what we should do love
We can take the leap of faith
We'll regret it if we don’t take that chance

Forever starts today
Ooohh
Forever starts today
Ooohh

Don't look the other way loves smiling at your face
Don’t let this love to waste don't let it slip away
I need you right here, no I can’t have you out of my life


I was listening to my Itunes and decided to look up the 6th Day album that I saw on the josepenala.com site. This song actually portrays how I feel. Maybe not completely, but the chorus expresses how I feel. I'm not entirely sure what I want for my future, but for my present, I want to give love. I want to give my everything. I want to wrap my arms around someone that wants to be held by me. Or am I just in this emotional state because I just downloaded the song above. For now, the world shall run its course, and I will find a direction that puts me in a place of happiness.

note: Lubbers Yew

Emotional Trashcan

Have you ever put yourself into a situation that you couldn't control? Only for the single reason that you wanted something more, but knew you couldn't. You badly want what's best for someone, but doing the worst wouldn't make their life any easier. I admit, there was a point in my life where I was in the same position and I attempted to get what I wanted. The consequence wasn't as bad, but it deprived my ways to be nonexistent.

After almost five years from that incident, I fall into a dilemma that just creeped up on me. Happiness overwhelmes my soul when you're around. Finding myself glance at you when you're across the room, I don't know if I should just let it fade out. The apples and the oranges have been juggled and tumbled onto the floor.

note: Playing ice hockey Saturday night. Come watch!

Cake!!!!!!

The spacing gets bigger and the space taken up gets more in depth. I never thought the window would open up like this. Looking out this window and not being able to see the view can really break the glass. Maybe someday the light will shine through. Someday, maybe I should just go back into my old room and look out that window.

note: There's an apple tree and I can't pick any apples. There's girl scout cookies everywhere, and I'm stuck with nothing.

I love you.

Clean Slate

I've found the introduction to a new life. It just dawned on me that everything has reset. The stress and fustrations are no longer present. The apples have been eaten to the core and the oranges were peeled and freshly squeezed. Yes, try to decipher what's on my mind.

The smudges are still there, but my pen still has enough ink to write down something or new poems. The lyrics will always rhyme. Although, why haven't I did what everyone is telling me to do? Because...

Don't want to.

The emotional trash can once told me that if I didn't spill the apples, then there really isn't anything to peel. True or false? Who knows? I care...I care a lot, but sometimes I just need simplicity.

To the recently ex-emo'd, it was a great day. Spending time with you is always the bestest. I will be able to braid hair soon. We all get burnt out. This is just the beginning.

note: Hunger Force on Adult Swim. New apartment setting, visit anytime people.

Internet & Cable

We've had internet for 4 days at the apartment. When we there was no internet, we lived life, unfortunately, there were a lot of small things missing. Like, having to go online for financial issues and email, the usage to browse was unlikely. I was able to read the www.chucknorrisfacts.com site. The facts weren't really facts, but random stuff, but REALLY funny.

Anyway, I went to get ashed on Wednesday. "God loves humor too." That's what I whispered to Camille when we were praying. On behalf of my devotion to the Lent season, I'm going to take on confidence where it needs it best, and make sure my mean humor doesn't get in the pathways of Ale and Millay. Oh! Also, cookies are my demons which I will give up.

note: Falling for something impossible.

Reflections on a Marked Mirror

What a title, eh...
It is actually what I see right now. Being on the Condo's Living Room computer, I sit in front of a mirror that has a lot of graffiti and markings as if it is ancient script. Joke lang.

After a week in San Jose, I don't feel at home just yet. I'm slowly getting in the groove of things. I enjoy my roommates. They're cool. Only downside is the cleanliness, but hey, we're guys, even I can get a little on the messy side. We're not as bad as the female species, which whom I will not name. Did I mention, I need to make a copy of my keys still?

So, my healthy structure is getting back in line. A few weeks before I moved back, I was running along the beach every other day...until it started raining. This morning I jogged from the apartment to the library to meet up with Alan, and it was refreshing. More jogging anyone? Weight before San Jose: 181lbs. Weight now: 171lbs. Plus muscle is coming back. I'm 26 and I'm healthy.

note: May the world run smoothly with water.

ARGH!!!

I ridicule those who first mention:
"I just want to say sorry for not updating..."

So, I just find that funny. For those who do read this piece of crap, do what you want because I'm in a bad mood. Super Ading Camillay is TRYING to keep me from just saying "no more". Garrr!!!

I appreciate those who make it first priority. I think and believe that scheduling is just really unorganized this year. Most likely, we're just going to have to cut MORE dances. "Maybe we should just be like other school's and do like 4 dances" opposed to our original 15. I guess being realistic, everyone just wants to do everything. I'll find out my answers by Sunday.

If I had to choose, the four dances I'd keep would be Aray, Lumagen(90 sec. routine), Vinta, Singkil umbrella/fangirl routine only(haha).

On the opposite end of the cranium...

02/14/06
Letter to Anonymous:
Everyone deserves something from someone...
either it be a friend, lover, etc. on Valentine's Day.
On any given day, I'd shower you with roses,
but what good would that be.
Most likely you'd keep just one as a remembrance and toss the rest.
On this day, instead of a shower,
I give you a single drop [rose] to keep in mind
that you are a unique female that always puts a smile on my face,
gives me butterflies when you're near,
and takes my breath away when you're close.
(maybe that's why I can't speak when you're right there)
so enjoy this commercialized day and,
if my memory stand corrected,
your mother's birthday.

note: I've been age put down again..."What? You remember pager code." I hate you.

Orange Sweatshirt Day

I finally found the weekend where I could make it to a family party...outside of San Francisco. We went out to the Brentwood to my cousin's house out there. The houses are nice because they don't all look the same, maybe in color. The inside was carpeted and nicely trimmed with furniture.

As for the party, there was family that I thought would never go. But the favorite part of my family was EVERYONE. I can't live life without my family around me. They're great, and they'll never forget who you are. Obviously!

To my future significant other,

If you don't love my family, then I can't love you. I will treat you and your family as my own. From day one, my respect will not stop at you. I am a family man. Please respect that.

Love,
Joel Ramon