Post #301 Not Yet There

Welcome back to my joshgumbi domain.

So after an amazing November, a majority of December was emotional drama within myself. Most of the time I kept telling myself to just calm down. I can get very emotional, but that's besides the point. My Christmas, as you can see below, was a bit stressful. I know that my parents age, just like I do, but I would have never thought I'd be spending Christmas at Alta Bates Hospital. Fortunately, my father decided to just go with the surgery, sooner the better. I would think that he's up and ready to party, but we shall see.

What can I say, the joey lifestyle is not an easy one. Any life has its struggles and frustrations. I don't get where I am. I'm ready to just leave. Actually, it is impossible for me to leave because I have work. It is the work schedule. The final work week of 2005 is 230am to 11am. Did I mention I was two and half hours late to work this morning. Crazy? Yes!!!

note: Writing and reading is me.

Champion!!!

My dad is the strongest person I know, a survivor, and my hero.



This is our Christmas 2005, the night before surgery.

Merry Christmas 2006

Dad's in hospital...surgery scheduled tomorrow. This is how 2005 is going to finish.

The Truth Prevails

The most honest conversation happened tonight. After a week of wondering, we had a heart to heart. But before I go into it, this past week has been a bunch of emotions. From sad to happy to depressed to vulnerable to jealous to content, humans must deal with so many emotions. There was a point when I thought my reaction at the formals bored the hell out of her. Seriously, I just don't know how to have fun, or at least look like I'm having fun. Chillin' is what's fun to me. There was also a point when I felt a bit jealous because I had a hunch that there was someone else that had caught her attention. And guess what? I was right. But, no worries, it wasn't like we were together, in love, or ever held hands. The only thing I can do is learn from this and wait until the same thing or something similar happens to me again. My most learned experience is that attachment is temporary, and it only hurts a little if there's no concrete feelings to base the whole depression on.

This evening, we decided to start the conversation with "you've been quiet lately." After going a couple months of endless phone calls and comfortable outings, life caught up to us, and wanting space turned into needing it. As someone who won't ask questions to hear either a good or bad answer, I left the question of "how long" has she been feeling that way toward this guy, not like she has feelings. But, I believe there will no longer be a her and me. Why? If she has the ability to hold back her feelings, then she has the ability to change them if we ever had a chance. The simple signs show us what to and not to pursue.

On the other hand...

Those small feelings are back again. When I saw her at formal, in her orange, bronze type dress, it was beautiful. So, I'm going to go straight for it. If I'm turned down, oh well, 2005 will remain the sucky year. Enter 2006.

note: So what if she has a captain, you'll find your skipper.

Confusion is an Art Form

My life has entered into a situation where my uncertainty has taken over. Just when you think something is right, there's an entity that places a shadow over the thought. There other night, I picked up a friend to eat dinner with. She finished her finals already, so I asked her out on a date. Not really a date because she calls me "Kuya Joey". Plus, during that dinner, I constantly told her that hooking up would destroy the friendship that we have; in a humoristic way.

The conversations could have lasted a lifetime. Lately, I've been told dialogue with me could last forever. But, why is it that after I'm told that, I can no longer prolong my words and thoughts. I mean, if the person(s) I'm sitting with can endure my wordiness, then let's talk all night. It would be even better if you could debate with me. My view is just as good as your view, maybe better.

I'm amazed how my friendship with you has gotten somewhat close. I don't blame you for your lack of trust towards others, especially guys. Though meeting only 5-6 months ago, you put a lot of trust in me; and I thank you.

We spoke on relationships, past and present. According to the topic, I am confused. I don't know what I want. I do know that I'm cursed with emotions. She says, "You're too emotional." I know I am, but there's no need to say it. My curse hinders me getting close to someone. If they don't show interest, I get terribly hurt, but I get over the pain and move on. But, why is it that, the last two have said the exact same thing. I'll keep this particular information to myself, but it just bothers me why anyone would say something like that to someone. Here it is anyway: "If you meet someone else, you should go for it." What is the point of this? Is it a test? Or is this the way it's done now? Honesty is truly hard, but I just find myself raging with regretful thoughts. This is me...being me.

Who or what is the real me? I am an emotional romantic. I believe in wooing a girl for as long as she accepts it. Do I blame myself for getting involved with something that wasn't going to happen? Probably. Sometimes you think you can fight the urge and deal with the consequences, I guess I'm just not there...yet. Now the confusing part starts off with the complexity of the situation. Recently I was told that my facts weren't straight with a particular individual. In other words, she still likes me, but I assume. Talking with DJ Dose, he exclaims my intentions should not be brought up again. But at the same time, when I saw her last Friday, I was just in awe. It wasn't until after when the thoughts of her re-entered my life. Why can't I let my attraction toward her vanish? I continue to tell myself; Because you were never given a reason to let go.

Bottomline: three females, none of whom I'm dating, seeing, or from the looks of it, talking to. two have told me to they're not ready and hook up with the next girl that comes up. the third...you're there, it's just I fear you.

note: GIRLS SUCK!!!

My Needs

With all the things in the world that we can want, there are a few things that one needs to fulfill a lifetime. One, of course, is needing health. Needs can involve life or death situations, things you certainly cannot live without, or the probability that what we want could turn into a definite need. For my needs, they fall under:
-my family.
-my health.
-my friends.
-my God.

As for everything else, those are just things I want. Our needs are straight forward and limited. So with all that over and done with, let's move back into my reality.

Needs (intro)

I need you in my life.
I need you to be strong during these times of misfortune and rough terrain.
I need you to stand me up when my legs can no longer hold me up.
I need you when my humor just isn't funny anymore.

You are me, and I am you.

note: Needing and loving yourself is what comes first.

Wants

I want this. I want that. I want I want I want. Here is a list of 10 things that better define my wants.

I want...
...chocolate.
...new ice hockey skates.
...PSP.
...happiness.
...Elisha Cuthbert.
...love.
...San Jose Sharks attire.
...an Oreo Cook milkshake.
...IBM Thinkpad Lenova.
...a vacation.

These are all "things" that I could live with or without. Some of the items can obviously be a bit possessive, but some can be put in the questionable category between wants and needs. As I told my twinkling star, wants are temporary. We could live happily with our wants, but we can also manage ourselves with what's given to us already. People buy things that satisfy leisure. There are points where what we want is actually our needs at the same time, but we'll keep it at wants.

The list above expresses some of my recent wants. In no particular order, I could want these things, but I can live without the San Jose Sharks. Although, would I want to, probably not? I am dedicated to my passion of ice hockey. Although, I can live without it. One of the topics that really is questionable is happiness. Everyone wants to be happy. Is happiness mandatory in our lives? Of course not. Most of the time, people are content with life, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're truly happy. I know some who just act like their happy just to get through the hard times. I'm speaking random thoughts that keep repeating.

It would be nice to see or take a picture of Elisha Cuthbert. If I never get to do this in my lifetime, oh well, live on. Another want that could be without. Knowing who I am makes this very questionable. As a comedic romantic, love takes a big part in my life. I want to love. I want to love someone. I want someone to love me. BUT. Love needs to be true. And that's my view of the human wants. For now.

note: Pain and agony is only temporary. Enduring the vulnerability is knowing that you can get over the distress.

philosophy: One who learns to love must first master loss.

Wants & Needs

Unfortunately, I'm just waiting for a friend to finish showering so a group of us can go eat. In the meantime, I'll leave the true topic to be discussed or thought of for future posts. As for life issues, I've been content. The other night, I went to go see Mango Kings at Hukilau SJ. They are a band amongst many that will always have crowd appeal. They sing a lot of the songs that my dad sang when I used to watch him and his many bands. Is it my fault that I'm born musically inclined? Of course not. I love music, rhythm, pattern, harmony, melody, beats, and all that juicy stuff. Whenever a tune comes on, I immediately head for the harmony. Melody doesn't really appeal to me since I'm not necessarily a very good soloist. I can at least hold a note or two. Let me mention that falling asleep with you next to me is hilarious. Honestly, I was tired, but I'll stay awake if you want me to. It won't be productive, but at least...whatever. Ha!

Precious moments: trying to pinch your palm.

Last nights gig seemed productive. I sensed teamwork when it came to featuring different aspects of the night; this being setup, sound check, video check, lighting check, clarity, the entrance set, program set, visual set, dance set, musician set(which we don't usually do), party set, and, last but not least, break down.

Talking and slight chat with a particular individual made my night abnormal. I probably should have assumed she would be there. It was great to see everyone and her again. But she was a part of my life that put a strong push on my life about choosing and pickiness. There is no reason to get attached so quickly. Being a hypocrite to my own words, there will always be a tomorrow and must realize that the right person to make us happy won't come so easily. With time and patience, the hand that fits mine will surely fit perfectly.

note: Can't Help Falling

Can't Stop The Satisfaction

I saw Rent last night. When I found out that it was going to be a move, thanks Alexis, I immediately counted the days until I got to see it. I don't plan on ruining the movie for those that haven't seen it, so...

Great Mall's theatre air conditioning seemed to fail because the temperature was hot, or maybe it was the person sitting to the left of me. WINK. Unfortunately, I think it was my fault for my complaint because I kept my jacket on. Although, when listening to the singing voice of Mimi, it didn't really seem like it was her voice. But, her voice was mesmerizing.

Congratulations to Ryan & Dar for their second baby, even though only 3 months conceived.

Thanksgiving to those who give thanks for accepting their life, lifestyle, and style of living. Thank you all.

Lastly, twelve hours ago, I was sitting on a couch watching television and asking and answering questions. I brought up the question game, but I'm glad that getting to know someone can be fun. Can't forget about the Wedding Tool Cake - A man's cake.

note: I'm down to watch Rent again and sing along louder than the first time.

http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/rent/onesongglory.htm
One Song Glory Lyrics
[ROGER]

One song
Glory
One song
Before I go
Glory
One song to leave behind
Find one song
One last refrain
Glory
From the pretty boy front man
Who wasted opportunity
One song
He had the world at his feet
Glory
In the eyes of a young girl
A young girl
Find glory
Beyond the cheap colored lights
One song
Before the sun sets
Glory -- on another empty life
Time flies -- time dies
Glory -- One blaze of glory
One blaze of glory -- glory
Find
Glory
In a song that rings true
Truth like a blazing fire
An eternal flame
Find
One song
A song about love
Glory
From the soul of a young man
A young man
Find
The one song
Before the virus takes hold
Glory
Like a sunset
One song
To redeem this empty life
Time flies
And then - no need to endure anymore
Time dies
[ROGER is interrupted by a sharp knock on the door.]
[It is MIMI MARQUEZ, a beautiful stranger from downstairs.]

The door

Only Thinking Can Bring Me Down

I've been letting myself get in the shoot me, I don't care type of mode. I put myself in situations where my mind goes beyond it's capacity. I was aware of this emotion, and I reminded myself to live life. Somewhere down the line, I just let down my guard and found myself in a terrible rut. This is why I must start living life again. Once before, I was running my life pretty straight forward.

What is my meaning of Life?
My meaning of Life is experience what comes at you. Everyday is believed to be your last. Even though we take advantage of the word "tomorrow", humanity will gamble with that fact. I don't see anyone living like today was their last day to live. My goal is to live to 75. The night before I turn 76, I'm going to die on the ice. No one is going to stop me from collapsing on the ice with a heart attack. Other than that, life was made to continue a cycle that has been going on for decades, if not sooner, centuries. We must take on obstacles to achieve our own goals and fulfill those of our mothers and fathers. The most important is to find true love, or some type of love, and extend the cycle.

For now, I've got to stop trying to read the situation.

New & Improved?

So, my work had a store meeting today which was the usual type of situation. A slight difference changed the mood of all 40 employees present. Our store manager, Sid, has been promoted to Regional Trainer for the company. Even though I was brought into the store with the previous manager before Sid, I was a bit dumbfounded when the news hit the stands. I guess all the motivation that he advised me seems to be nonsense now that he's leaving. Change is the momentum that makes life worthwhile. Adjustment is the key to making a goal achievable.

For every goal, there is an obstacle standing (or sitting) in our way. Take on the struggle and bare with the challenges that lie in front of you.

"If baseball was easy, everyone would be doing it." - Tom Hanks A League of their Own

ps. Don't wait for the easy to finally make its way.

Happy birthday to my one and only mother. I thank you for giving me life.

What's Wrong

Imagine this:

The evening has become a blur for some due to the refreshments served. About a dozen individuals were talking, chatting, and laughing as the night was still young. The weather outside was illuminated by the full moon, city lights, and the shine from the indoor fixtures. The environment was comfortable as dialogue was initiated, jokes were made, and elegant music was the tune surrounding the guests.

With drinks in hand, laughter and a positive evening became everything, but dull. A door opens and enters an unexpected guest to this party. He makes his way toward the party with glimpses unknown to their eye. Wearing a nicely put suit with a slightly grey tone in his tie, each step reminds him of the true reason of his journey there.

She entertains her guests with ease and the ability to keep everyone upbeat with the evenings festivities. She is aware that someone had entered the venue, yet didn't get a chance to catch a glimpse of the unknown. In her mind, she wants to believe that it was he who would come through that door. She decides to make her way to the kitchen.

He picks up his drink and heads out of the kitchen, down the hall, and into the main room. Watching his surroundings, he does not see what he is in search for, so he continues on to the exterior. As he exits the room, someone across the room recognizes him and quickly goes toward the kitchen.

As she washes her hands, someone informs her that he has arrived. She doesn't want to be teased, so she does not accept the good news. Having a good time already, she continues onto the party, but keeps in mind the news that was given to her.

He knows she is there, but he begins to feel saddened by the lack of her presence. He picks up his phone, dials in her number but realizes that her phone is nowhere close to her. The beverage reaches the bottom of the cup and he decides to put away his phone, walk back toward the kitchen to serve himself a drink.

She sits on her couch to catch up on things with a friend. The party has grown to nearly a couple dozen guests. The ability to see everyone invited was impossible. She begins to laugh, takes a sip from her drink. With her lips to the cup, she lifts her eyes from her drink and looks across the room. Her eyes open from the sight of a special individual. She interrupts her conversation for reasons known.

He tosses his cup into the trash and exits the opposite door making his way, once again, into the main room. He sits down, coincidentally, onto the same couch that she had just left. The person on the couch next to him introduces themself. He says hello, excuses himself and decides to head out the front door.

She rushes into an empty kitchen. She pads her pockets and realizes her phone is in her room. She walks briskly to her room to find someone outside her window on the sidewalk. Her smile becomes an enormous glow. She takes her eyes off her prey and rushes to the front door. The moment she opens the door, he is there with one arm tucked behind him and in his other hand offering her an orange rose.

ps. May our minds signify the reality of passion.

On the crossroads

The intersection has given everything except the red light. It has come to the point where laying back is an option. Another chapter is starting in my life. The first paragraph is coming to an end and hopefully the flip of the page will bring more interest to my book of life.

Why I do what I do? Josh.Gumbi likes to think of himself as a passive romantic. There are points in his life where he can give his all to a particular, and in return, accept almost nothing in return. These little tidbits could be tiny to the naked eye, but significantly significant to his emotional cranium. Who knows what these little things are, he won't tell. Does anyone know?

Back in my freshmen year of college, I started a website:
hips.htm

I lost the webspace when tripod and lycos merged. I made the e.W.o site on there too. Just a random thought, like always.

As for now, read on playa, read the wacky, yet disturbed life of Josh.Gumbi.

note: Almost 300 entries in 3 years. Almost as amazing as Trendy Vibes.

Truth & Honesty

I miss ^_^. Thanks for remembering me. You make the sun shine on rainy days.

Pictures Are Fun

So, with my weapon in my hand at our club events, and I finally upload the pictures on to my computer. Amazing what you see or what you take a picture of, especially the facials in the background. I was going to share my pictures, but I'll wait. Anyway, one more day with the 5am-130pm schedule, thank goodness, I don't think I can handle this every week. Plus, my sales goal is dropping because I'm not on the floor between 130-4. Grrrr. Anyway, I've received five promotions in one year. And according to my manager, I'll be receiving another one in the near future, assuming I would actually take that position. Manager or continue to struggle with my major. Aya!

Perhaps one day we were sent down from another planet to conquer the world. Sorry, I just decided to put in a random phrase. I was watching Smallville earlier, and I'm up because of my stupid 2-hr. nap. Darn it!

Bottomline, my life has become a sunshine of happiness, yet the only downside is the weather. I'm content with how things are, if any part of my life takes progress or improvement, I'm all for it. Otherwise, head high, back straight and take on the obstacles that lie in the path of my greatness.

note: I wasn't going to even right this much, but hey, let the fingers do the talking.

It's What I Do

ylc: i feel special ^_^
jrh: you are...only if you want to be o";"o
ylc: i am! hahaha coz you made me!
jrh: no, your parents made you
ylc: hahahahahahahah ok, i'll thank my mom and dad for that

s3 phase

Waking up in what once was a mystery is now familiar. With a dab of disorder, the place I sometimes call home on Thursday nights is the place to be. The homies are hospitable during each visit, along with the two puppies that tap their little paws against the hardwood floor. Here's to you Ike and Penny...

Another night with the BMP and Legend folks is getting to me...in a good way of course. What have I gained since the merge. Hmmm? Probably a bit more of confidence, a much more relaxed state, and the ability to make business with friends. It would have to be the hardest thing to do; to do business with friends. As long as their is a similiar goal, the next step is just to make it happen. We all have that enthusiasm toward this business we call Barrelman Productions. As we get older, our knowledge of business furthers into the vast community of diversity. We will strive to succeed, and maybe someday, we, as Filipinos, will put forth the greatest achievement of all, to be what we've longed for, to be Filipino. American culture has turned us into bandwagon individuals. Today's movies have always signified a majority of cultures. Filipinos have begun the strike to get on the silver screen. With homeboy from One Tree Hill that Ale and Camillay gawk over, to the ongoing, yet limited, success of Dante Basco. There are dozens of minds that have been able to put together their creativity in making what we call movies, plays, scripts, so forth. You can't forget Ernie Reyes Jr. for his youthful success in many a movies, yet we all know he played Chinese roles, but hey, we know what his background was...he was a ninja turtle. And last but not least, LDP!!! Lou Diamond Phillips, the man of the hour who has played Latino, Native American, Mexican, and the coolest gangsta in "The Big Hit"(1998). Wow. The guy has come up as an actor, director, producer, and writer. He's my idol. But do you want to know who my American Idol is...

Camile, you're my idol. Even though I was unable to watch you last night to perform, it's all good. But enough of that, watching everyone have a good time at Norcal was a good feeling. The numbers were up, the vibe was way up, and the girl to guy ratio was extremely well brought. Thank you for making it to a party, sorry I was unable to dance with you much. When I'm a part of something, I have to find something to do. While we staff a club event, even though there's a limit on what we could do, we just have to make sure we have a good time, as well as our guests. Oh, for anyone that I hooked up...OH YEAH RIGHT. I didn't hook up anyone. Shhhhhhhhhyaaah(say like Wayne from "Wayne's World" and then put your hair behind your ears and grin).

Denny's was good times. The laughs, the aches and pains, the quick service(rolls eyes), and the phonecalls from booth to booth was good times. I think my fellow table mates, Leah Ulo and Puppy, will always be there, most likely not next time. Gosh. So exclusive! Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to comment you on your lip ring, it's cool, righteous to the max. Someday, I'm going to dangle your ring.

note: The sun is coming out, woohoo! Good morning everyone!

Fire In The Hole!

Finding the fun and excitement in one's life is never easily sought. For some, they position themselves in a place where moving forward is inevitable, where many points in a journey will leave us lifeless, or in terms of left out bread: stale. I peek into the lives that have crossed my life. Their lifestyle may seem straight and spontaneous, but at the same time, the times you see these folks is probably the only time they do have fun.

My life is full of ups and downs, like anyone else. Dealing with the post-educational era of my life, I've managed to situate my daily cycle. Although, sometimes sacrifices need to be made. Employment is crucial and pickiness is sometimes not an option. For those with my job ethic, I set goals that are more than likely achievable. This may be a strange onset, but I want to believe that happiness can come from anywhere. True, I have a degree from a well-known educational establishment, which staying is not a career choice. There is something out there for me, for everyone, for you; we just need to find it.

Work can be fun and exciting, yet we, as coworkers, try not to make it too enjoyable. Like my store manager says, "You're here to make a difference, not to make friends." When he said that, I agreed with him. I can't help the fact that I'm a positive person who wishes to put smiles on other's faces. If it ever is a nuisance, just tell me to back off. Everyone knows that happiness is out there, we just need to find it.

Happiness is a great feeling, especially when you have someone to smile with. It being with family, friends, or complete strangers that you meet on the bus. Earlier today, I went downtown to find myself in a miscommunication hazard. Unfortunately, my work didn't have my new cell number, so they couldn't get a hold of me. My manager tells me to head on over to our store because four employees called in sick. Anyway, in short, I bussed it to my store and worked my time. With no stress, I made the technology goal. Goooo Comp! Succeeding in temporary goals makes me happy.

note: If you're cold, you can use me as another blanket.

Teamwork

Think of it this way, the group I work with are great, but to be put in a closed store with managers, supervisors, leads, and over-achievers is great. At first we stood around wondering what we could possibly do. But, just like being at our own store, we had to find something to do. Cleaning, sweeping, plano-ing, labeling, fixing, and with little effort, laughing and having a positively great time. Quite possibly, I'd do one of these store transformation cycles again, but my hours would have to early. I can't wake up and wait for work to start. My 730am schedule is SUPER!, thanks for asking.

Anyway, a lot has chanced lately. I've found a hint of confidence in my swing, my step, my life. I can't really say what's happened, but I'm in a place where nothing can pull me down...damn crabs. Crab mentality is a outward cry of neediness. Don't pull me down, I'll take your limb right off you.

ps. Have a nice day.