I miss you www.joshgumbi.com

I look out my window and barely see the stars that twinkle every night. The sky is bright purple with mists of cloudy air. I sit in the dark wondering if I've experienced enough to let start a new life. Seriously, after graduation, I expected my enthusiasm towards the "real life" to be better than I've had. Within that time, I've had two mediocre jobs (I said it, jobs, not careers) where I gained experience furthest from my actual major. I wouldn't mind taking advantage of my minor, but my motivation towards my major is losing my grasp. I try and try and try. I used to believe that I was the person that makes things happen. I set a goal and made it happen. With my own emotions deep down inside, I'm breaking up inside. I'm losing hope, I'm losing my self, I'm losing really bad in life. Sometimes it does help when friends tell me they're not doing what they graduated in. Time to just keep looking. I can't lose hope, I can't jump into any conclusion that engineering has no future for me. I remember thinking that killing myself would help start a brand new life, but f#%k, what if I end up in the same situation. That would really suck.

On the brighter side...

My mind has been running constantly lately. When I wake up, at work, at home, before I sleep. I can't let my past push me away from what is really out there.

I'm listening to my itunes library. The song playing is "Never" by Boyz II Men. This song makes me laugh because my old singing group, P.R.I.M.E., actually sang this at Barkada of Santa Clara's first Barrio Fiesta. It was pretty cool to open for Drop 'N Harmony. I recall wearing khaki shorts and Akbayan's '97-'98 shirt. Can you tell that I just loved singing, and didn't care about the appearance.
- Pilipinos Recognized In Musical Excellance -
That was a strange, yet fun experience. I miss singing. I know you miss it too, Edison. I listen to the way I used to sing and the way I sing now. My goodness I've gotten a lot better. Breathing, range, style, yet I will never do American Idol. A lot of friends and family tell me to do it. Uh? Of course your family and friends will support you, even if you totally suck. I need my singing to be judged by a biased audience.

Anyway, I remember all of our performances:
Rachel's cotillion (Happy Birthday, Medley, and something else)
Cheryl's cotillion (Happy Birthday, In The Still Of The Night, Medley)
Barrio Fiesta '97 SCU (Never)
SAPhi Showcase '98 (Gone, Medley)
Akbayan's Winter Formal (On Bended Knee)
Extacy '98 UCD (A Song For Mama) *we sounded really good
also...
Jessica's cotillion
Mazie's cotillion
Reina's cotillion
Christine's cotillion
and then I quit...
TO BE MORE INVOLVED WITH SCHOOL...
Ha! Yeah right, I got involved with Akbayan.

I remember when Akbayan choir was only a handful of fellas. You guys have come so far.

note: I work at 8am and I still haven't eaten dinner.

Focus on what's on the next page

If my life was based on a novel, the reader would bookmark the page, close the book, and breathe in the toxic air. I've analyzed the things I've done to get where I am now, and the waiting begins. Everyday I wake up to the beeping of my phone, slide off my futon about an hour before I'm determined to clock into work, and begin the constant routine of real existence.

What I thought 2005 was going to be like has really turned a complete difference of reality? I've fought with depression, relief, sadness, happiness, isolation, and all these other emotions that maybe I was destined to feel out of mere experience. All I can say is, things happen. Not because they have to, but because they just do. We can't stop what's going to happen, no one can control another person's thought, I just live until the day we all must pass.

I take pride in my recent employment because it keeps my mind busy. Downside is that by the end of the workday, my life slumps back down because I just roll onto my bed and sleep, just to await the next exciting life of me. At least I'm no longer living paycheck to paycheck, kinda. I actually have more saved money than ever before. Eventually, I'll find something to spend it on, probably bills.

One thing I do appreciate is friendship. Memories will never distinguish, feelings will slowly subside, and the future will always be open to anything. You are my friend and I appreciate that because I've never had something like this. Thank you.

note: Suicide is for losers!

Let your potential exceed past any failure...

Current sound fantasy: "In the still of the night" - The AKAfellas.

My career could finally be taking on the positive aspect. As much as I've enjoyed working at Office Depot, I need to take hold of what my life is really after. Earlier Tuesday morning, I had a phone appointment with a Palo Alto engineer. Besides the fact that he was forty minutes late calling me, my nerves begin to lessen and the tension decreased because I believe the call was never going to happen. After ten minutes, I thought that the previous phone interview was running long. With a half hour passing by, I started to believe that the engineer looked over my resume and saw my lack of tech-perience(technology experience). Well, if what they want is field work, it seems like I'll never be able to find that direction. Fortunately, forty-six minutes past and my phone began to ring. I jumped from the living room couch, walked nervously to the phone. Within ten minutes, I was getting off the phone with the technical engineer. My blood pressure could have possibly risen that past hours.


After the phone call, I went straight to the kitchen and fixed myself my much needed breakfast. I sat right back down in front of the television, eating my breakfast, watching Sucka Free City(Comcast On-Demand Showtime). The movie is very intriguing, yet the ending leaves you in wonder.

And then the phone rings under an hour later.

"Joel, we would like to set up an appointment for you to do an in-person interview with us."

note: Thanks Jerry for informing me of this job opening.

(Coming soon. The truth about Akbayan's P.C.N. 1999)

Everyone is a loser...

...unless they believe they could win.

My Final 12 of this year's American Idol.
Male Vocals:
Anwar Robinson
Constantine Maroulis
Jared Yates
David Brown
Scott Savol
Travis Tucker

Female Vocals:
Aloha Mischeaux
Carrie Underwood
Jessica Sierra
Nadia Turner
Vonzell Solomon
Melinda Lira

Good luck & hopefully I'm 12 for 12.

Waiting for important phone calls...

I'm feeling so nervous right now. In less than 12 hours, I'll be receiving a phone call that may enhance my career status as an SJSU engineer. Even though it is a less than normal technical job, I'm still going to give it my best. Giving my best is what I'm goodGREAT at. Taking into account my attention toward detail, my ongoing motivation to get things done (not to mention get things done right), and working with a team that moves in the same direction. If the phone call is a negative experience, it is my duty to keep up with the resume sending. In the meantime, I have a business management option.

Breaking up is hard to do...

I hate this feeling. I hate being where I am right now. I hate using my strength not to cry. I hate the fact that I can't accept the circumstances. I hate this feeling. I hate this feeling. I HATE THIS FEELING. I hate being so vulnerable. I hate the fact that I put my all and I'm getting only partial. I hate being me.

About me...

"My brain doesn't function verbally." I can hold any conversation over online chat. Weird, huh!?

What's up everyone.


I'm watching the Simpsons.

note: See ya later.

Orientation Be Gone


I've been working at OD for 2+ months and that feeling of being a beginner ended probably after two weeks at the job. Some of the reasons why is because I was no longer asking anyone questions on where this and that were or are in the store. Instead, some of the stockers that have been there months longer than me have asked me where an item goes. I guess I have my education to take credit for that. I've been through a solid, two decade streak of academics. My brain has been trained to remember, learn, and adapt with what needs to be learned.
One thing I don't like doing at my job is wasting time. Even though this job has nothing to do with my degree, I can still learn from the experience. My motto is: 'Never let experience be a waste". For example, I use my blogspot account as a way to keep up with my grammar and literary skills. Honestly, if you go back and read some of my achives, you will encounter a ton of written mistakes. My vocabulary and word use has expanded too. I don't know if it's just by coincidence or the presence of Babble.
My fellow employees find my presence as a comfort. I don't necessarily find ways to get on their nerves, but I can analyze some of these co-workers, find their faults and work around them. The store manager does remind us that, "You are here to work, not to make friends". Although, everyone has that same OD goal to become reliable workers. We have a staff meeting this Sunday, Superbowl Sunday. It is time for everyone to vent and try and make the OD world a better place to be.
That part of my life has become a great impact on my life, but I still have a non-work type of life. I'm either spending time with family, Babble, or with myself. With Valentine's Day coming up, Babble and I are trying to find a way to top the last two previous, yet 'commercial', occasions. The planning won't be difficult since last year we just stayed home, slept, and spend time together at our place. I miss that apartment, but that's about it.
Is Valentine's Day another day for accessible businesses to make money?
Of course! On February 13th, the condom sales jumps up nearly 93% from any average day. Good job to those who enjoy using protection. Although, the disadvantage about February 14th is the increase of sexually transmitted diseases by 35%. On the upside, the number of one night stands rises exponentially by 300%.*
Are there any decreased statistics about Valentines's Day?
Yes, but nothing really significant to jot down.
[*The following information is not for certain. Polls are brought to you by unauthorized statistics.]
Lastly, OD is selling a task chair for $17.04 (Regular price: $79.99) Is anyone interested? Limited supply. I bought one.

(prepare to read and decipher. this is how I used to write)
As the nights shine as dark as the blindness of the day, I become more aware that I'm going no where in my solitude because of the routine of living by the weekly check. The year shall become the source of something anew. The new year has sprung new job opportunities. The ability to become closer to making my first million will never exist, at this rate at least. I'm happy, but my happiness hasn't reached the potential destined for my stance. I've got the charisma, the love, and the determination to become greatness. I've got the resources, the confidence, and the utmost support. I've got the heart, the youthfulness, and the intrigue to find what the hell I'm looking for. By the way, what the hell am I looking for? I'm looking for pennies that can turn into nickels that turn straight into the bronze dollars.

I want to help out with everything that is set on my plate. I've been labeled as an irritant by the one true existence. I don't blame myself, but I do blame my faults. I shrug in shame, yet I raise in mannerism. I will not taunt my way in the direction of the wrong road, but shine through the shimmers of glowing puzzles. Do I ever make sense when pieces of a dickfore get together? Remember that question, "What's a dickfore?" Funny. I still laugh at that. I want to show my appreciation toward a close friend.

Ulo is my friend. He shelters me when I needed a place to get away to. I took my favorite transportation, BART, to Fremont, where Ulo picked me up. Well, I found myself stuck in San Jose for 24-hours. Also, Ulo, if the $5 for the club wasn't for the tsunami victims, you know damn well I wouldn't have gone. Anyway, we were only there for like, less than 2-hours. Then off to Kathleen's to watch Boys and Girls, while Donell fell asleep. Shoot, who said sitting in front of a 15' television with good company isn't fun. Not me! Funny moment of the night, when Ulo threw a rock at Kathleen's window and landed back onto his car. Cool beans!

I miss San Jose, but not enough to move back. I look at all the advantages, but find myself losing myself in the disadvantages. I don't know what that means. I miss all you Akbayan heads. Enjoy the upcoming semester and P.C.N. 2005. Good luck Alexis.

-(fast forward {Friday evening})-
Waiting for Babble to pick me up at work and found myself looking at the Office Depot catalog book. I looked up speakers, space heaters, and that's about it. I played a game of Freecell on one of the display laptops, and then I got a call from my Babble. She's arrived. So long to my co-workers Kashik, Walter, Dee, Raciel, Betty, Mark, and Den. I skipped on over to Babble and gave her the warmest and dearest hug I could give her. I do love her, I really do. So this is how it feels to love someone that has been distant from you for a month...seemed like years. We tried to eat at our Japanese restaurant, Nagano, unfortunately, we couldn't find parking, so we went to Japantown and ate at Sa...some other Japanese restaurant that we ate at once. It was good, but after Babble dropped me off, I felt nauseated. Bleh! Didn't throw up. Now I'm home about to rest my body to sleep for work is right around the corner, or the sunrise. I'm also waiting for Babble to safely get home from work. Call me Babble. I would like to know you're safe.

note: Smooches!!!

The small things count...


I like the way your eyes meet mine when you say "babble". I like the way your head just fits perfectly on my shoulder when we're walking side by side. I like the way your thumb squeezes my hand when we're holding hands. I like blow drying your hair. I like taking care of you when you're sick. I like rubbing your back when you're feeling crappy. I like the reaction you make when my cold hands touch your skin. I like you no matter what happens. And I love you for all the things I like you for. I'm in love.


You're back in my life, physically! Our candle hasn't gone out.


To any reader's out there, buy Killzone, it's a good PS2 game.

Let's leave behind the past year and look forward to the new


First things first, Happy Holidays to everyone who celebrates such a controversial season. I found out from the news that some retail stores banned the use of spreading Christmas cheer. Thinking back five years ago, I don't recall ever hearing of any religious issues that turned too many heads. Well, maybe more like five to ten years ago. Who knows when this all started? A majority of the United States celebrates. When I worked last week, I didn't want to spark up any religious issues, so I simply wished my customers a happy holiday. I just waited for customers to wish me a glad tiding before I wished them anything. Eh!? Over and done with.


Next topic, I MISS MY BABBLE!!!! It has been 12 days since I saw her last. It has also been 5 days since I've talked to her. And half a day since I received a text message from her. At least I know that she's ok. I am now scared about their extra trip to Thailand. For your information, Sumatra had a 9.0 earthquake, on Christmas morning, that has stirred up tidal waves, or tsunamis, heading in every direction, especially Thailand. Aivy and her family don't go to Thailand for another week, although, I do hope they change their minds. Before, I was just miserable because I was spending Christmas alone, now I'm scared for their lives. -sigh-


This Christmas has accumulated a lot of bad things. The snow in the Mid-West, the 9.0 earthquake in the Indian Ocean, and a few close family interruptions. What is happening? What will happen in 2005? Will I see Aivy again? I pray for her safety. I love her.

Surprising, yet not expected



Some of the weirdest methods for child raising stuns even me. So, this evening, I've become very familiar with the ways of my family and attempting to put us to bed. I also figured out what happens when we're sleeping peacefully in the backseats of the car. The parental units of my family seem to become more in tune with the ways of addictive drugs. I went to my god-sister's house to eat some leftovers from Thanksgiving, twas great. After dinner, we all discuss good 'ol times. It's amazing how much my family can really dislike some others. As I sit listening to them, they speak of family get-togethers over in Novato, where the kids became immune to the horrors of movie thrillers. While under the influence, my parents never noticed their children sneaking out of the back bedrooms to watch Aliens. At 3 or 4 years old, those movies were traumatic, but I seem to love those sci-fi movies now.


- Let's jump ahead twenty-one years later -


My little brother is one of the people I cherish the most in the world. He is growing up to become a talkative, well-mannered rugrat. I find out that his young mind shouldn't see the horrors of horror movies. As kids, my cousins and I weren't limited to what we watched, we turned out all right. So, I say this, should we let youth find out on their own, or shall we set the standards already.


I've been going back and forth between myspace and friendster finding out who really goes on either one. There's nothing else to do online. The first thing I do is go to my Fantasy Basketball league, the Charmane Classic. Next, I go on myspace just to check if I could find something interesting to read. I guess, from the time I got rid of my xanga account, I don't want to read any other xanga sites, trying to escape from the abnormal drama that everybody seems to be running into. I do leave my other 2-cents on myspace blogger, but that's just blabber.


Working at OD has increased my knowledge in the working world. I started off as a fulltimeer from the very beginning. Alonzo, the former manager, started me off as the fulltime department manager for furniture. I guess it was ok, although, I'm still learning the products. I get a discount on any of the items at my store, so if you want anything, just let me know.


Bored bored bored. I'm also sleepy. I can't sleep because if I do, I won't wake up when Babble calls to get picked up. I'm coughing again. That's the bad news in my life. Like I've said before, I'm ALWAYS sick. Hehe. I'm actually laying down on my side typing sideways. Here's some nonsense:

There's a particular person that I've always thought was a friend, but everytime I see this person, I'm outdone by it. Nowadays, I care not how people treat me, but I don't need some things in my life.

My movie star crushes are now Shannyn Sossamon, Elisha Cuthbert, and Alicia Silverstone. Hubba hubba. Haha.


HAPPY 2-Year Anniversary Babble. 10 more days! Can't wait to find out what you have in store. I love you.

Getting Back On My Feet

In just a few days, hopefully tomorrow, I'll be in the working field. Although, after two jobs of delivering, nearly 5 years of physical pain, I'll be in the sales industry. As hard as it is finding a job in the IT/IS field nowadays, it is just as difficult finding a normal, average-joe type of job. In my search for spending and savings, I applied for jobs, such as Department Assistant at Blood Centers of the Pacific, no call back, Strategic Office Solutions, called back interviewed rejected, Washclubsf.com, called back interviewed rejected, Cal Parking, called back interviewed on-call, and Office Depot, called back interviewed accepted. This among others, I have applications sorting through the process of the City and County of San Francisco. Let me just say this, if you're in school and haven't found an intership or co-op, get off your behind and get it. Those things are useful. I should have taken advantage of the opportunity, but I was caught up in other things. No regets now. But telling all those in the engineering/it field, there's a ton of internship positions working for the City and County of SF, SM, SJ, everywhere. Just look! Coming from a guy whose been through the Want Ads, Craigslist, Monster, Hotjobs, walk-ins, etc.

The job that I finally was accepted to was Office Depot. I went in asking for the Technician Assistant which was not even applicable, and came out with a fulltime position sales furniture department. Not very pleasing, but it pays whatever I have to pay for. During my interview, Mr. Duarte was pleased with my performance, and decided to offer me a better job. I didn't want the parttime job, so I accepted any job that was fulltime. Fulltime means more hours, higher pay, company benefits, discounts, and just a step closer to management. With my minor in business management, and my experience as a leader, I could make my life better in ways that I thought I couldn't. It all starts somewhere, right. "My downfall raises me to great heights." - quoted by Vesper, myspace.com

fav. song - Such Great Heights by Postal Service

Last night, Aivy and I went to this music concert last night at Yerba Beuna in SF. Very noisy music I might add. The first piece was interesting. Not much to say about that. By intermission, we made our way to the door and went on home. The most enjoyable part of the concert was the remarks made by Aivy. "Happy happy"

note: less crazy, more passive

Where is it, I can't stand it. Everyday that passes, I feel more reason to believe that everything is happening for a reason. The suspension, the hockey lockout, my unwillingness to achieve a damn goal. Is it the fact that I'm not getting anywhere because I'm not putting my foot forward. But I do. I do take initiative. I cannot lower my chin in shame, I must do what I must to expand my horizons with life. I cannot lose, I will not lose, I will not be defeated. I have the will, and the way to make things happen. I've done it once, I can do it again and again.

note: I'm going passively crazy!

visuals: The Sweetest Thing (2002).

I'm in a place where I haven't been in weeks, maybe months. After over a year of working for a place of aches and pains, I've become even more different from the rest of the drivers. Breaking down the situation, I've become a "wanted" man and I walked right into their trap. Let's rewind and begin this story.

INT grocery wherehouse area

BG forklifts and people speaking loudly

FADE IN

JOEY, 25, continues to walk up ramp, entering the backdoor of the grocery store. While entering, there is a number of people inside the office awaiting the arrival of this prestigious gentleman. Joey walks into the office to find the infamous, let's name them TONY & SONY, lovers of the corporate world. Immediately, I say hello to MARCO, 31, while being asked to spoken to by Sony. They walk to a secluded place to exchange words that will affect Joey, temporarily.

JOEY(calm): What's up!?
SONY: I don't want you to freak out or anything, but we're going to have to suspend you.
JOEY(shocked): Why? What did I do?
SONY: We received a call from customer service that you accepted gratuity from a customer.

Joey jumps back and realizes that what came around finally went around.

SONY: Please sign this. It states that you've been suspended for 3-days without pay. Although, I don't know if you'll be in any financial situations, so I'll pull some strings and see if you could get vacation pay.

FADE OUT

That is why I'm home now.

note: New job here I come!

listening to: Happy Hardcore - Mike Tyson's Punch Out theme

The greatest part about living away from home is simply living away from home. I don't know if some people know what this actually means. It means living dependent solely on your own. I've witnessed a lot of spoiled individuals this past year. Other than my own spoiled self, I can honestly live without the aid of my family. They have their own lives to go on with, and I have my own. Since December 2003, I moved out of my mother's home once again to thrive in my own achievements. Before moving back to San Francisco, in August 2003, I shared a flat with at least four roommates, two being my older brothers. There were times when I thought I wouldn't be able to live on my own, but after witnessing financial struggles, I can take control of the leisures and luxuries in life. Paying bills and rent is the main concern at the end or beginning of each month. I don't ask for money from parents or brothers, I make sure my bank account is balanced and has a legitimate amount of money to last until another pay day. The only assistance that I asked for, since living on my own, was laundry. Every now and then the dirty laundry was washed at the laundrymat around the corner, but sometimes, I don't feel like paying nearly $10 just to do two or three loads, washing and drying. Bottomline, if you plan on living away from home, pretend there is no one out there to help you.

This December is the one year anniversary at the Pacific Heights home. It is also time to move out because the parking situation here is terrible. I think I've accumulated nearly a thousand dollars worth of tickets. Looking at the price of houses to lease in Daly City is cheap compared to San Francisco. Aivy and I plan to move out of this wasp-infested neighborhood. Soon enough, we'll attempt to find a place for Edison, Aivy, and myself somewhere away from the stresses of San Francisco residents. I've looked at craigslist and found this one place with a pool, at the top of one of those hills. It is nice! I'll show it to you when you get home, babble.

I have work on Columbus Day! Blah!
I'm ranked 5,588 out of 3,000,000 players online for Socom 2. Yay!
The LA Dodgers lost against the StL Cardinals. Yay!
I didn't win the Calottery on Saturday night. Blah!
I cleaned my kitchen and bedroom a little. Yay!
Armando Bear is the GREY ONE!

note: Fleet Week came and gone like a jet breaking the sound barrier.

to babble: You are mine, forever! Remember that because I love you. I cherish your existence in my life. My heart is your heart.

Favorite SF Eateries:
- Coriya Hot Pot City (Clement St. b/w 9th & 10th)
- Nagano Sushi (Geary Blvd. b/w Arguello & 1st)
- In 'n Out (Jefferson St. b/w Jones & Leavenworth)
- Hunan Chinese (Divisidero St. b/w Pine & Bush)
- Philly Cheesesteak (Divisidero St. b/w Bush & Sutter)
- Extreme Pizza (Fillmore St. b/w Sutter & Post)
- Safeway (all of them, esp. Geary and Webster)

I was going to write something really interesting, but I totally forgot what the topic was. Bebeh and I were in Ziggy on our ride back home from Marco's birthday, but the "topic" slipped my mind. Well, until next time, be good, take care, and welcome home Bluey. You're still loved even though you're missing a passenger seat. (wiping tears of happiness) Yay Bluey's back!!!!

note: sentimental means passion for.

At the moment...
...hungry.
...missing my bebeh.
...upset that the Giants have been eliminated from the Post Season.
...wondering if the 49ers will tie up this game against the Rams.
...trying to keep myself warm because San Francisco's weather is cold.
...watching my Socom Online rank get better and better.
...figuring out how I'm going to raise money to pay off rent.
...want to rearrange apartment, but it's too cold.
...making Mando dance.
...wiggling my foot.
...determining my future with the presidential election (Vote for Affleck)
...typing out what I'm doing at the moment because I can't figure out what to write about.
...resting my legs because I had a long day at work.
...pondering about joining a union.
...praying for Bebeh's safe ride home.
...reading Ulo's xanga and agreeing with his view, why are Bay Area teams unsuccessful.
...laughing at a commercial where people don't know how to drive.
...digesting my Subway sandwich from earlier.
...hungry.
...SAFETY to Faulk!!!
...rubbing my cold feet.
...reading about the NHL lockout. (Depressing)
...wishing I had more money to spend on useless things.
...waiting for Bebeh to come home.
...getting sleepy.

note: Go... I don't know which team to support. 49ers!!!!

Giants still have a chance for the Wild Card. Astros must lose today or tomorrow while the Giants MUST win tomorrow. I can't believe the upset. Anyway, I can't let sports, such as baseball, let me down. I have to support the National Hockey League. The season must stay alive, or else I'll have nothing to support except the struggling, 'rookie' 49er team.
I've been a serious Giants fan for the past five seasons. During the middle of the
2000 season, I would get home from classes and hear RJ screaming for the Giants to win. Game after game, my interest grew while the NHL season took the majority of my excitement. By the 2001 season, I was watching each game with my roommates at 502, rooting for Barry Bonds, Jeff Kent, Rob Nen, etc. The 2002 season was the most incredible because they made it all the way to the World Series. That series was the most memorable for me because I stayed with them from game one of the post season. Unfortunately, they lost in Game 6 against Alfred's team, Anaheim Angels. So, grief during these games won't compare to that World Series loss. Giants are #1.

note: More later on.