Satisfied

There are so many live's that seem like their life is so much more fulfilling than mine.  Then I think about what I have and realize that my life is just about the same way, just at a slower pace.  I don't need to be out every night or every weekend.  When I look back, I am out most of the time, doing my own thing.  So yes, my life is satisfying and very fulfilling. 

I went to the Philippines this past September and I had quite an experience.  Plans did get cut short, but for good reason.  I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I'm making a difference in her life, or I would like to assume, but in return, my life is brighter.  I'll eventually get to more detail on my Philippines trip in a later post. 

The Internet Sucks

Browsing the Internet could hurt .  You just don't want to see things the way they were, the way they are, or the way they may have been.  Our past is just a memory.  My mind is jumping all over the place right now.  On a happy note, I went on a non-work vacation to the Philippines.  11 days of home.  More on that later.

Six Months

The past six months have really been different.  I still enjoy watching sappy movies like Serendipity and Love Actually.  I still find myself playing video games, but not as often.  I will probably start up again when NHL13 comes out.  This year I will be once again starting the NHL13 season one week late again.  This time isn't because I'm on a work trip.  This time is because I'll be on an out of the country vacation.  I will be going to the Philippines for the first time.  

Flying from island to island is going to be like flying island to island in Alaska.  Speaking of Alaska, I've been here since Monday.  Places like Angoon and Hydaburg are only glimpses of how different these islands are different from those of my homeland.  Do I dare call it homeland since I've never considered the Philippines as home.  It is my background of my family and ethnicity.  Regardless, I hope to really enjoy this trip.  Although there for only two weeks, I will do my best to make the most of it.  

Within the last six months, I started playing ice hockey again.  It is a great feeling and keeps my mind off the stresses of life; not that I have many.  I also moved out of Milpitas and closer to the City.  We finally gave my mom her final resting place at the Columbarium.  The location is beautiful, soothing, and reflects every part of who she is.  Flowers, the ocean breeze, and space.  My brother sent me a picture of all the flowers around her space.  I miss her so much.  My life changed when she died.  

I still have memories of her dancing, smiling and all that good stuff.  Although happy times, my tears drop from my eyes and I remember that I'll never be able to hug her and tell her I love her and know for a fact that she's listening.  

She is always listening and watching over me, my brothers, my family, my Nana.  We miss you MOM!  

Happy...Mother's Day.

I was looking through the May schedule and noticed one of the hallmark holidays that I was going to think differently this year...Mother's Day.  My Nana is still there and will be celebrating with her in some way possible.  I still wish she was around physically so I could tell her how much I miss her and how much I could use her advice.  I wish she was still here.  :o(

Now I really can't sleep.

Massive Velocity

We make changes in life to grasp happiness.  Life builds barriers to make us contemplate on difficult decisions.  We walk each day wondering if we've discovered a new beginning, a new happiness, a new love.  
What happens when happiness turns into a state of panic.  You have no grasp of the situation, but you find that sitting back and trying your best to relax is just not good enough.  I've always been one to worry, but at the same time, I'm sure many people in my life have worried very dearly about me.  For instance, I've always sent my mom my itinerary for 99.5% of my flights.  Nevertheless, I always called her when I stepped into my hotel room sometimes 1-3 hours after landing.  I would imagine the sigh of relief when she heard my voice.  
I've always been one to call or text or email the one's I love to let them know that I'm OK.  I don't mind getting a spam of text messages or calls from them wondering where I'm at.  Who wouldn't want that!  What happens when I start worrying about someone.  My thoughts start to wonder.  Are you hurt?  Are you stranded?  How come I haven't received any notification?  These are the points in life where you don't take anything for granted and your heart starts to crush as the seconds and minutes go by without a word.  
This is my mortal flaw.  I care too much. (Thanks Mom <3)  And when the caring is taken for granted, it reduces. But magically appears the moment I receive a text or call.  What happens when that call or text never happens?
I get in the state of being unwanted.  The feeling where I don't matter anymore.  This really sucks.  Life revolves the way it does and it sure doesn't revolve around me.  You'll always find me asking you to call or text me when you get home.  But when I fall asleep worrying and wake up without any word, the worried feeling increases drastically.  I get restless.  I think it's time to relax and take things into my own hands.  I wish I felt this way for more people.  But its my heart that's running the show.  
I don't want to feel this way.  I don't like feeling this way.

I miss my mom.  I believe she watches over us every now and then.  Like the times when she would call me up or email just to ask how I'm doing.  The email she let build up is down to 500, starting at 6,000 emails that I began to sort not too long ago.  For someone late in the game, you would never imagine how many Facebook email notifications one person could have.  Did you know that if your Facebook wall recognizes that you've past away, they put leave it in a 'memorialized state', meaning that you could no longer log into the account.  If you never stated your close friends, it's nearly impossible to search for yourself.  Thanks Facebook for taking it upon yourselves to take away the privacy of someone who never notified you in the first place to FREEZE your own account.  No worries, my brother's and I don't need to jump into the account.  Just knowing the comments gives the satisfaction that you made a difference.

With all the happy memories that we enjoyed the past 2 months of her life, you can't forget the sad memories either.  I will never forget each day that we, her sons, were forced to medicate our mom so that she could live another day.  At first, it was easy, take this medication.  You will never imagine that taking medication, or PILLS, could be such a hassle.  Not just pills, but injections hurt me because if she wasn't doing it right, I have to correct.  Which after a week or so, we had to start giving her the injections.  I don't know why I'm saying all this, maybe someday someone will come across this entry and find that it helps them go through the exact situation.  We stayed strong for her so that she could be surrounded with the positive energy.  That energy adds life to those diagnosed as sick.

Now the over abundance of energy turns into scattered blobs of negative energy.  All that could be done is to live in their memory and know that everyday is another day that they are watching over you.