We visited the state capitol today and finally made a visit to donnell's new place. As we were about to venture out into the world (or I-80), I found myself browsing my blog. I read a lot of my old stuff and for reason I want to edit my old thoughts. Would I do such a thing...

My life has barely changed besides the fact that everyone is getting older, the value of living is still difficult

Why we write...why we blog? We blog because we want what's on our mind to be expressed through words and sentences. Tonight, my mind is in an unfamiliar place. Not as familiar as what I thought I was in the near past with my uncle/cousin. Today, I decided to put all emotions to the side and take a lone visit to my g-ma. It was completely heartbreaking to be there, but I knew that being there helps a little bit...right? Sigh.

So I was cleaning my room attempting to occupy my mind, then my eyes started to get fairly warm, then my emotions just took control. For anyone out there who is going through a loved one's struggle, my prayers are with them. In return, please pray for my G-ma that she finds the strength to get healthy. Thank you.

I'm a constant failure. I never do things right, even when I think I do. People tell me more everyday that life is a struggle. That's a correct statement if I ever heard one. Before, I struggled to get ahead. I could believe that I made it to where I am because I struggled and dealt with the hardships in life. I can't tell someone that life is going to be easy. With how things are today, life won't be easy for a very long time. Even I'm beginning to lose hope. I may out of a job soon. When I worry about myself, I tend to lose focus on the world around me. I thought I could tend to the cares of those around me. I can't. Not when I'm beginning to struggle. My future is today. It is hard to think ahead because there's too much at stake right now.

Who cares about tomorrow? I went through a medical insurance meeting today at work and realized that I could die at any time. I could get badly injured. Every flight I take, my expectation is that it'll go down in blazing glory. What a way to die...sitting in fear with people you don't even know. If I had a chance to call someone, I would probably call no one. Not like I'd have a chance to make the call anyway. I don't fear flying regardless of how I think. It helps to just sleep through flights so I don't have to think about it. Who cares about today? I go through my life hoping my day will be better than the last. It never is. My way of thinking is too free and pretty naive. If a challenge approaches, i have the choice to take it on or step aside and wait for the next one. If I make a mistake, learn from it and make sure it don't happen again. I receive "memos" that go out to everyone at work that are usually pointed directly at me.

I don't hate my life. Its all I got.