Welcome back to my joshgumbi domain.
So after an amazing November, a majority of December was emotional drama within myself. Most of the time I kept telling myself to just calm down. I can get very emotional, but that's besides the point. My Christmas, as you can see below, was a bit stressful. I know that my parents age, just like I do, but I would have never thought I'd be spending Christmas at Alta Bates Hospital. Fortunately, my father decided to just go with the surgery, sooner the better. I would think that he's up and ready to party, but we shall see.
What can I say, the joey lifestyle is not an easy one. Any life has its struggles and frustrations. I don't get where I am. I'm ready to just leave. Actually, it is impossible for me to leave because I have work. It is the work schedule. The final work week of 2005 is 230am to 11am. Did I mention I was two and half hours late to work this morning. Crazy? Yes!!!
note: Writing and reading is me.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Monday, December 26, 2005
Champion!!!
My dad is the strongest person I know, a survivor, and my hero.
This is our Christmas 2005, the night before surgery.
This is our Christmas 2005, the night before surgery.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Merry Christmas 2006
Dad's in hospital...surgery scheduled tomorrow. This is how 2005 is going to finish.
Monday, December 19, 2005
The Truth Prevails
The most honest conversation happened tonight. After a week of wondering, we had a heart to heart. But before I go into it, this past week has been a bunch of emotions. From sad to happy to depressed to vulnerable to jealous to content, humans must deal with so many emotions. There was a point when I thought my reaction at the formals bored the hell out of her. Seriously, I just don't know how to have fun, or at least look like I'm having fun. Chillin' is what's fun to me. There was also a point when I felt a bit jealous because I had a hunch that there was someone else that had caught her attention. And guess what? I was right. But, no worries, it wasn't like we were together, in love, or ever held hands. The only thing I can do is learn from this and wait until the same thing or something similar happens to me again. My most learned experience is that attachment is temporary, and it only hurts a little if there's no concrete feelings to base the whole depression on.
This evening, we decided to start the conversation with "you've been quiet lately." After going a couple months of endless phone calls and comfortable outings, life caught up to us, and wanting space turned into needing it. As someone who won't ask questions to hear either a good or bad answer, I left the question of "how long" has she been feeling that way toward this guy, not like she has feelings. But, I believe there will no longer be a her and me. Why? If she has the ability to hold back her feelings, then she has the ability to change them if we ever had a chance. The simple signs show us what to and not to pursue.
On the other hand...
Those small feelings are back again. When I saw her at formal, in her orange, bronze type dress, it was beautiful. So, I'm going to go straight for it. If I'm turned down, oh well, 2005 will remain the sucky year. Enter 2006.
note: So what if she has a captain, you'll find your skipper.
This evening, we decided to start the conversation with "you've been quiet lately." After going a couple months of endless phone calls and comfortable outings, life caught up to us, and wanting space turned into needing it. As someone who won't ask questions to hear either a good or bad answer, I left the question of "how long" has she been feeling that way toward this guy, not like she has feelings. But, I believe there will no longer be a her and me. Why? If she has the ability to hold back her feelings, then she has the ability to change them if we ever had a chance. The simple signs show us what to and not to pursue.
On the other hand...
Those small feelings are back again. When I saw her at formal, in her orange, bronze type dress, it was beautiful. So, I'm going to go straight for it. If I'm turned down, oh well, 2005 will remain the sucky year. Enter 2006.
note: So what if she has a captain, you'll find your skipper.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Confusion is an Art Form
My life has entered into a situation where my uncertainty has taken over. Just when you think something is right, there's an entity that places a shadow over the thought. There other night, I picked up a friend to eat dinner with. She finished her finals already, so I asked her out on a date. Not really a date because she calls me "Kuya Joey". Plus, during that dinner, I constantly told her that hooking up would destroy the friendship that we have; in a humoristic way.
The conversations could have lasted a lifetime. Lately, I've been told dialogue with me could last forever. But, why is it that after I'm told that, I can no longer prolong my words and thoughts. I mean, if the person(s) I'm sitting with can endure my wordiness, then let's talk all night. It would be even better if you could debate with me. My view is just as good as your view, maybe better.
I'm amazed how my friendship with you has gotten somewhat close. I don't blame you for your lack of trust towards others, especially guys. Though meeting only 5-6 months ago, you put a lot of trust in me; and I thank you.
We spoke on relationships, past and present. According to the topic, I am confused. I don't know what I want. I do know that I'm cursed with emotions. She says, "You're too emotional." I know I am, but there's no need to say it. My curse hinders me getting close to someone. If they don't show interest, I get terribly hurt, but I get over the pain and move on. But, why is it that, the last two have said the exact same thing. I'll keep this particular information to myself, but it just bothers me why anyone would say something like that to someone. Here it is anyway: "If you meet someone else, you should go for it." What is the point of this? Is it a test? Or is this the way it's done now? Honesty is truly hard, but I just find myself raging with regretful thoughts. This is me...being me.
Who or what is the real me? I am an emotional romantic. I believe in wooing a girl for as long as she accepts it. Do I blame myself for getting involved with something that wasn't going to happen? Probably. Sometimes you think you can fight the urge and deal with the consequences, I guess I'm just not there...yet. Now the confusing part starts off with the complexity of the situation. Recently I was told that my facts weren't straight with a particular individual. In other words, she still likes me, but I assume. Talking with DJ Dose, he exclaims my intentions should not be brought up again. But at the same time, when I saw her last Friday, I was just in awe. It wasn't until after when the thoughts of her re-entered my life. Why can't I let my attraction toward her vanish? I continue to tell myself; Because you were never given a reason to let go.
Bottomline: three females, none of whom I'm dating, seeing, or from the looks of it, talking to. two have told me to they're not ready and hook up with the next girl that comes up. the third...you're there, it's just I fear you.
note: GIRLS SUCK!!!
The conversations could have lasted a lifetime. Lately, I've been told dialogue with me could last forever. But, why is it that after I'm told that, I can no longer prolong my words and thoughts. I mean, if the person(s) I'm sitting with can endure my wordiness, then let's talk all night. It would be even better if you could debate with me. My view is just as good as your view, maybe better.
I'm amazed how my friendship with you has gotten somewhat close. I don't blame you for your lack of trust towards others, especially guys. Though meeting only 5-6 months ago, you put a lot of trust in me; and I thank you.
We spoke on relationships, past and present. According to the topic, I am confused. I don't know what I want. I do know that I'm cursed with emotions. She says, "You're too emotional." I know I am, but there's no need to say it. My curse hinders me getting close to someone. If they don't show interest, I get terribly hurt, but I get over the pain and move on. But, why is it that, the last two have said the exact same thing. I'll keep this particular information to myself, but it just bothers me why anyone would say something like that to someone. Here it is anyway: "If you meet someone else, you should go for it." What is the point of this? Is it a test? Or is this the way it's done now? Honesty is truly hard, but I just find myself raging with regretful thoughts. This is me...being me.
Who or what is the real me? I am an emotional romantic. I believe in wooing a girl for as long as she accepts it. Do I blame myself for getting involved with something that wasn't going to happen? Probably. Sometimes you think you can fight the urge and deal with the consequences, I guess I'm just not there...yet. Now the confusing part starts off with the complexity of the situation. Recently I was told that my facts weren't straight with a particular individual. In other words, she still likes me, but I assume. Talking with DJ Dose, he exclaims my intentions should not be brought up again. But at the same time, when I saw her last Friday, I was just in awe. It wasn't until after when the thoughts of her re-entered my life. Why can't I let my attraction toward her vanish? I continue to tell myself; Because you were never given a reason to let go.
Bottomline: three females, none of whom I'm dating, seeing, or from the looks of it, talking to. two have told me to they're not ready and hook up with the next girl that comes up. the third...you're there, it's just I fear you.
note: GIRLS SUCK!!!
My Needs
With all the things in the world that we can want, there are a few things that one needs to fulfill a lifetime. One, of course, is needing health. Needs can involve life or death situations, things you certainly cannot live without, or the probability that what we want could turn into a definite need. For my needs, they fall under:
-my family.
-my health.
-my friends.
-my God.
As for everything else, those are just things I want. Our needs are straight forward and limited. So with all that over and done with, let's move back into my reality.
-my family.
-my health.
-my friends.
-my God.
As for everything else, those are just things I want. Our needs are straight forward and limited. So with all that over and done with, let's move back into my reality.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Needs (intro)
I need you in my life.
I need you to be strong during these times of misfortune and rough terrain.
I need you to stand me up when my legs can no longer hold me up.
I need you when my humor just isn't funny anymore.
You are me, and I am you.
note: Needing and loving yourself is what comes first.
I need you to be strong during these times of misfortune and rough terrain.
I need you to stand me up when my legs can no longer hold me up.
I need you when my humor just isn't funny anymore.
You are me, and I am you.
note: Needing and loving yourself is what comes first.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Wants
I want this. I want that. I want I want I want. Here is a list of 10 things that better define my wants.
I want...
...chocolate.
...new ice hockey skates.
...PSP.
...happiness.
...Elisha Cuthbert.
...love.
...San Jose Sharks attire.
...an Oreo Cook milkshake.
...IBM Thinkpad Lenova.
...a vacation.
These are all "things" that I could live with or without. Some of the items can obviously be a bit possessive, but some can be put in the questionable category between wants and needs. As I told my twinkling star, wants are temporary. We could live happily with our wants, but we can also manage ourselves with what's given to us already. People buy things that satisfy leisure. There are points where what we want is actually our needs at the same time, but we'll keep it at wants.
The list above expresses some of my recent wants. In no particular order, I could want these things, but I can live without the San Jose Sharks. Although, would I want to, probably not? I am dedicated to my passion of ice hockey. Although, I can live without it. One of the topics that really is questionable is happiness. Everyone wants to be happy. Is happiness mandatory in our lives? Of course not. Most of the time, people are content with life, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're truly happy. I know some who just act like their happy just to get through the hard times. I'm speaking random thoughts that keep repeating.
It would be nice to see or take a picture of Elisha Cuthbert. If I never get to do this in my lifetime, oh well, live on. Another want that could be without. Knowing who I am makes this very questionable. As a comedic romantic, love takes a big part in my life. I want to love. I want to love someone. I want someone to love me. BUT. Love needs to be true. And that's my view of the human wants. For now.
note: Pain and agony is only temporary. Enduring the vulnerability is knowing that you can get over the distress.
philosophy: One who learns to love must first master loss.
I want...
...chocolate.
...new ice hockey skates.
...PSP.
...happiness.
...Elisha Cuthbert.
...love.
...San Jose Sharks attire.
...an Oreo Cook milkshake.
...IBM Thinkpad Lenova.
...a vacation.
These are all "things" that I could live with or without. Some of the items can obviously be a bit possessive, but some can be put in the questionable category between wants and needs. As I told my twinkling star, wants are temporary. We could live happily with our wants, but we can also manage ourselves with what's given to us already. People buy things that satisfy leisure. There are points where what we want is actually our needs at the same time, but we'll keep it at wants.
The list above expresses some of my recent wants. In no particular order, I could want these things, but I can live without the San Jose Sharks. Although, would I want to, probably not? I am dedicated to my passion of ice hockey. Although, I can live without it. One of the topics that really is questionable is happiness. Everyone wants to be happy. Is happiness mandatory in our lives? Of course not. Most of the time, people are content with life, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're truly happy. I know some who just act like their happy just to get through the hard times. I'm speaking random thoughts that keep repeating.
It would be nice to see or take a picture of Elisha Cuthbert. If I never get to do this in my lifetime, oh well, live on. Another want that could be without. Knowing who I am makes this very questionable. As a comedic romantic, love takes a big part in my life. I want to love. I want to love someone. I want someone to love me. BUT. Love needs to be true. And that's my view of the human wants. For now.
note: Pain and agony is only temporary. Enduring the vulnerability is knowing that you can get over the distress.
philosophy: One who learns to love must first master loss.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Wants & Needs
Unfortunately, I'm just waiting for a friend to finish showering so a group of us can go eat. In the meantime, I'll leave the true topic to be discussed or thought of for future posts. As for life issues, I've been content. The other night, I went to go see Mango Kings at Hukilau SJ. They are a band amongst many that will always have crowd appeal. They sing a lot of the songs that my dad sang when I used to watch him and his many bands. Is it my fault that I'm born musically inclined? Of course not. I love music, rhythm, pattern, harmony, melody, beats, and all that juicy stuff. Whenever a tune comes on, I immediately head for the harmony. Melody doesn't really appeal to me since I'm not necessarily a very good soloist. I can at least hold a note or two. Let me mention that falling asleep with you next to me is hilarious. Honestly, I was tired, but I'll stay awake if you want me to. It won't be productive, but at least...whatever. Ha!
Precious moments: trying to pinch your palm.
Last nights gig seemed productive. I sensed teamwork when it came to featuring different aspects of the night; this being setup, sound check, video check, lighting check, clarity, the entrance set, program set, visual set, dance set, musician set(which we don't usually do), party set, and, last but not least, break down.
Talking and slight chat with a particular individual made my night abnormal. I probably should have assumed she would be there. It was great to see everyone and her again. But she was a part of my life that put a strong push on my life about choosing and pickiness. There is no reason to get attached so quickly. Being a hypocrite to my own words, there will always be a tomorrow and must realize that the right person to make us happy won't come so easily. With time and patience, the hand that fits mine will surely fit perfectly.
note: Can't Help Falling
Precious moments: trying to pinch your palm.
Last nights gig seemed productive. I sensed teamwork when it came to featuring different aspects of the night; this being setup, sound check, video check, lighting check, clarity, the entrance set, program set, visual set, dance set, musician set(which we don't usually do), party set, and, last but not least, break down.
Talking and slight chat with a particular individual made my night abnormal. I probably should have assumed she would be there. It was great to see everyone and her again. But she was a part of my life that put a strong push on my life about choosing and pickiness. There is no reason to get attached so quickly. Being a hypocrite to my own words, there will always be a tomorrow and must realize that the right person to make us happy won't come so easily. With time and patience, the hand that fits mine will surely fit perfectly.
note: Can't Help Falling